the new era

It's been long since the last time I wrote in here and I didn't intend that, actually I wanted to update it as frequently as I could specially in the last week when things began to change but oh well - here I am now :D

So I landed in KL Monday morning and went to school the following day. They've made a lot of changes, there are trees and flowers and benches and a fountain, the football field looks awesome now, and the dining hall and the classes too. We even have a 'Paris street' :D with pink chairs and little tables and flowers. I like it.

Year 11 is very different. We're the seniors of school and it feels really weird :D It's a very important year for us. All of our past year teachers are changed and the senior ones teach us now. They're all investing in us. And we're all studying like NNNNEEERRRDDSSSS even though it was just the first week of school. It was the first week of school to THEM :D for us it's just continuing the year 10, knowing exams are just two months away. It makes anyone to be in the exam mood from now on lol.

I've changed. Actually, I'm back to that nerd that I used to be all my life except for last year when I let things fall off the way, and although it was a bad experience, it let me find my way. There are just not enough words to explain how peaceful and happy I am these days. Things that used to bother me before are just blocked now whenever they try to get near me, it's like something amazing is protecting me. I've forgiven the people who've hurt me before and there's just no hate, no worries, no black thoughts inside of me. It seriously feels amazing. :)

And he, he is always there, and this time I'm not even sure if we'll eventually break up lol. With the past relationships I always knew no matter how perfect it seems we'll go separate ways SOME DAY, maybe after a few months or a year and half, but it'd always happen. This time, I'm not sure at all. In fact, the chances of staying together f o r e v e r are really high now even though it sounds really cheesy.

Straightened my hair yesterday xD It's good. And yesterday I went out without wearing school uniform for the first time, and two guys just walked up to me (not at the same time of course!) tellin me they think I'm really pretty, and asked for my number lol. One of them was shopping and when he saw me walkin down the stairs he just ran after me all the way to Starbucks near the KLCC park. Of course I told them I'm not single, but I appreciate it, and we can hang out in groups later for sure. Everything is so new to me. I don't feel like a teenager anymore. I feel, and look like, a young lady. Eighteenth birthday is near. I feel the changes in me. :)

I sleep early, I wake up early, I study hard, I pay attention in class and don't go day dreaming. I actually do my homework and projects and assignments and don't try to skip it. And I'm a prefect now. I don't use my laptop everyday. Just two days a week o.O And when I do I just check my email lol. Facebook is not interesting anymore. Even in the weekend I enjoy cleaning my room and organizing it and studying more than being online even though I have time for it on Saturdays and Sundays. They say changes don't come over night but I guess for me it happened in a short time. Or maybe those horrible two months affected it. I have no idea. I'm just glad to be happy and have a genuine smile on my face.

savin' me

When I'll look back at my posts here, it's because I wanna know how was I doin in that period of time. Well, for the past week everything's been alright, and dare I say more than alright. It was going great until the stupid atopic eczema (that I'm dealing with since age two...) came back and it attacked harder, this time on my face and my eyes. It sucks. I've always said I love life too much to end it but I really understand how dark a depression caused by this can be, well at least now I'm not all alone in my room in KL but when that'll happen, I understand how ending your own life seems like a very pleasant option compared to what my body goes through, it's like how I prefer the pain to the itch. And no I'm not making a big deal out of a chronic disease..it'll always be 'why me?!' and it has no cure and I'm just so sick and tired of it. Oh well...

But apart from that, I've had a pretty good week, maybe the best one since I came here. Hell yea it's because my dad is back :-j when he lost his faith in me I lost it in mine too. Now that he believes in me again I gained it back as well. It's like the future shines so bright, it's like I can do whatever I desire. It's like I'm powerful. It's like I have a plan for my life again and this gives me a reason to wake up with a passion everyday. I'm just so different from that disappointing girl I've had become in these past months. Don't know if it makes sense lol.

Two weeks from now school starts for the last time. I know I'll miss it, I already do. I'm probably the only one who can't sleep the night before because she's too excited all her life, since I started school. Probably the only one who misses school because of the subjects and the teachers and the rules and not friends. I know I'm so gonna miss that. And this will be the last first day of school.

After that, I've a lot of plans. But one thing for sure is that I'll leave Malaysia, just because of its weather...I really can't stand it anymore. When I'm away from the humid hot weather I realize the difference. I'll probably go somewhere real cold :D I like Canada. I won't even have to learn Norwegian and well a lot of my cousins are there lol.

I know I won't miss leaving Tehran this time.

p.s: havin a series of nightmares this week. dunno what the hell's wrong with my head...

to make my demons run

It's finally getting better! And I'm so damn sure that it's because the days that I have to count are shrinking :)
20 more days or so and it doesn't seem long at all compared to this 40 days I've been through. My dad and bro will be here in a few hours and I'm kinda excited.

Yesterday I went out, taste of freedom was awesome :P

I've no reason to be so hyper and happy but I am :D
Even though we had this stupid argument last night.
Can't bring me down xD

p.s: Metallica's awesome.

The door is closed, so are your eyes

What I really want these days is one peaceful night when I can actually fall asleep earlier than six in the morning, and be awake in those awesome morning hours. But everything's messed up and so is my sleeping habits these days. These weeks. This freaking month.

So obsessed with Metallica's The Unforgiven II! o.O It's one of those tracks that can make you enjoy music like a drug, and well the minute I heard the chorus again it just reminded me of some blur moments when I was way younger and my dad put it on. I'm really thankful about this kind of stuff...he made me get used to awesome music since my very first years.

Seeing her again was good, reminded me that there are still a few people that I can be myself around them, without pretending to be anything else, and be accepted just the way I am. It was like all those months had never happened. There are just some people in your life that no matter how much you try to hate them or erase them from your life, they just won't go or you just can't stop loving them. And it's not even in your control :D

Sepeher is really leaving for good...I know he's gonna have a hell of a fun living in U.S.A but still, he was one of the very first few friends that I made in school, like two years ago now. He was the first person I could actually trust in that hell, and one of the few mature boys who aren't shallow or stupid or disgusting. I'm gonna miss him so much. And the most stupid part is the fact that, for the rest of my life, the last time I saw him will be the last final exam (FREAKING CHEMISTRY!) after they changed his seat for joking with me in the exam hall xD I didn't know it's gonna be the last time. I had no idea. :| I didn't know I'd get too busy to see him again and I didn't know that my two months stay in Iran will make me miss the chance for a real goodbye.

Yet another reason for me to hate being in this black place.

p.s: it's tomorrow. I still feel like I could pass without seeing them. I saw the people that mattered to me and I wanted to actually see already. Don't need to fake some more smiles..

I Used To Be Someone Happy

Have to admit that things are a bit better, lol. Still feels like wasting my time but now I try to enjoy it instead of thinking about things that I could do if I was back in KL. I try to see this awful summer as an awesome holiday...at least I sleep for loooong hours to make up for all that school days that I had to wake up at five something in the morning.

Coming back here used to be magical, but it isn't anymore. Maybe I should really stop coming back every six months or so :D I've never experienced not being here for one whole year. The longest was eight months and lmao that's awful! I should try to not come back for a while. One year or two years or maybe more?! I dunno. I'll be older then. I can decide things. [I'LL BE AN ADULT!:))))] finally.

So today, after three years I could finally came back to the house I grew up in. The new people were nice, I liked them a lot. My old room now belongs to a ten years old girl. The yard is still full of kittens :) It still felt like home, it still reminded me of too many memories. Every corner I looked at made some ghost like younger versions of me appear there, just like it's still back then, like in the movies :D It was sad.. then I saw a fourteen years old me talking on the phone for hours with him, I saw a ten years old me having a silly birthday party, I saw the eight years old me reading Harry Potter books for the first time on that old rocky chair, and I saw a twelve years old me adoring Backstreet Boys :D It was so weird. Like it wasn't my home anymore but it still felt like it was. Ugh I should stop writing about stupid stuff.

I know I'm getting paranoid, but what if the distance (for yet ANOTHER month :| ) drifts us apart?
I know it's stupid. But all day long, I keep thinking about him, and I wonder if he does too. I wonder if he suffers as much. I wonder if it's that important to him or not. Sometimes I just wish he'd read this blog so I didn't have to explain why am I acting this way, but then again there are just too many honest stuff here for him to read :D

Pretty sure my parents read it too. Scary huh? Maybe they're not.
P.S: It's on Wednesday but I'm not even sure if I wanna see them anymore...

a home full of strangers...

So many bad things happening at the same time and when it happens, everything goes outta my control and it gets messy and I'll be confused...so imma sort them out here to see what the hell's exactly wrong. It could be just my usual summer depression (happens every single year in August) but I have pretty good reasons as well...

I'm mad and sad and scared at the same time and feeling like this life sucks more than ever.
I'm really sorry to say this but I hate every single moment of being here and I still have ONE MORE MONTH to go and it just seems like a nightmare. What hurts more than having my basic freedom taken away from me here is little by little understanding the fact that your friends just don't give a shit about you, when I was sooo excited just to see them once more and I also wrote that here that I think of them everyday and I miss all of them. It really sucks.

And my best friend for so many years seems to have replaced me with one of my friends, they go out without me and they don't tell me anything, they do everything together and I'm not included anymore and it just hurts but I just have to accept that friendships aren't forever. You get close to someone and everything's great, you feel like you can't live one more day without talking to them anymore, you feel like they understand you without trying and well, you understand them too. It's so natural and comfortable and BOOM! something happens or sometimes it doesn't and you just fall apart without even actually saying goodbye. For some people the honeymoon period is longer and for some shorter, but it will eventually happen...I really wish it didn't. I tried to not believe it. But it's happened too many time to me and each time it's getting harder to ignore this one bitter rule of friendship.

After a few years of struggling to have a normal friendship with an ex he came back again, wanting me back...and I knew that I didn't have to think about it to say no. I'm not that kind of girl to cheat when her guy's not around. But then he handled it badly, and I guess all that effort for a after-break up - friendship were for nothing now and it's gone. And it bothers me. It wasn't my choice.

I have nothing to do here...I wanna go back. Back in KL my friends are planning a trip to Genting, Pascale is all alone there as well, we could have chilled...and Shannon will be back by 16th, and Alex too, and just all the good stuff will be in August. It doesn't matter that I missed watching HP7 in 3D anymore. :D There are greater stuff. There is one whole month that I could use to be with the people I love and the people who love me back, not being stuck in a super hot and sad country full of people that hate me but I thought they'd want to see me after all. I feel like being wasted away here. They don't even realize it but after being outta it for a while I realize how even breathing in here for a few weeks will make you indifferent to everything...you hear bad new, worse each day, and you just can't feel anything anymore. People are numb here.

I used to love coming back, but now it's all so different. Maybe you really shouldn't try to replan doing all the good things that's happened before unplanned, it just can't work out. My life, my room is in Malaysia now. My 'friends', my school, things that I care for..everything important in my life is there. There's a heavy hatred flowing in here.

Now all that said, I just should point the fact out that I'm not hating my country or trying to say that I'm sooo different and cool and khareji and blah blah blah, it's just that I don't belong here anymore. None us do, when we leave to live somewhere else, you can't really come back and try to relive your past life in Iran. I love my country, I really do, but it just doesn't have a place for me anymore.

nothingness

Day Four & Day Five

I feel like a prisoner. Mom really did take away my laptop (this is HER laptop now and I have limited time =/) I can't go out, I can't see my friends, I can't even listen to music or watch movies or even talk to him properly cause the freaking lines here suck. I'm stuck in the house all day and all I can do is reading books and I'm reading Love In The Times Of Cholera all over again..."Fifty years and nine months and four days!"

Summer always sucks, but it's worse in Tehran. I can see that storm of depression coming again and life gets meaningless when it does, and I just stare at the wall thinking how stupid everything is and how nobody understands and how I don't have anyone to talk to, and how I'd like to end this...my worst cycles of depression are in the summer. I just get so numb.

And I can't really eat, I've lost three kg since I got here last week =
I can feel that I'm sick, I know that. Whenever I try to eat I just feel like throwing up, so disgusted with any kind of food. Fruits are the only thing I can eat and my mom says that I have a cherry diet! Not true. She thinks I'm trying to have a crazy diet to get skinny or something.
Through this hell, he's the only one that can make me feel better. Or make my heart beat for real.
 
 
Day Six & Day Seven
 
It's been a week. I can't take it anymore. This is the last time I'll be freaking here and I'll just go away and never come back. I hate the people, I hate the place, I hate the bad news that is sooo normal for this people everyday. I hate the pain and I hate it when all the bad stuff in the world happen here. I hate the nothingness, I hate it when life loses its meaning here. Everything's covered in a gray haze and everybody's dead.

but you're still on my lonely mind.

Day 3

My dad got my report card today and he sent my mom an email saying how horrible I am and therefor she's making me to use my laptop one hour per day AND IT'S NOT FUCKING FAIR because I have improved and my marks are good and I've really worked hard for this but they don't see it. I really don't know what else they want me to do, I've studied my ass off and they're like, you didn't even try. And when I tell them that my marks are reaaaallllyyy good compared to other people they say I'm making excuses. They don't know that the effing system is different from Iran. I'm so fed up. I've done all I could do.

Finally we're going somewhere tonight. My uncle's. Just me and my mom. It's better than being stuck in the house though. At least I'll get some attention :D

p.s: it's been a week since the last time we went out and it already feels like a year. I'm seriously not gonna survive these two months :|

Ob-La-Di, Ob-La-Da

Day Two

It's boring as hell. I've been stuck in the house since I got here from airport and all I can do is surfing the net and reading boring books and sleeping and eating and washing the dishes and listening to old music. Texting and calling him is the only interesting thing here. Honestly this time I don't feel anything, I know this sounds bad and stupid and selfish but it's true. And I kinda miss my dad. And my cat, she's getting old and my allergic reactions to cats is getting worse each time so I can't even spend time with her at  all. And it's hot as helllll, couldn't even sleep at night. And my friends, I can't see them and I won't see them anytime soon and I'm pretty sure that none of them want to see me at all. :|

Okay I just should shut up now.

however far away..

Day One

This is the first day of torture. And I do not mean me being stuck here all summer, it's about him being so close and yet so far, cuz we can't meet. It's the fact that I won't be able to see him for two months. I'm gonna count it day by day, I'll miss him every single day.

So during the whole flight we couldn't speak or look at each other. And in those last minutes, when the lights were turned off and the plane was about to land, we held hands secretly and it wasn't enough, but it was still something...ugh. I'm gonna fight for this. I'm not gonna give up just because they don't want us together. I'm just gonna go ahead and don't give a damn as long as he's by my side.

It's so freaking hot in here o.O at least it was easy to bear in KL because of the humidity but here it's hell. When they said the temperature in Tehran is 38 C when we landed I was like WTF. Even KL's worst days are about 33. And it was NIGHT TIME when we landed :D And I'm gonna be stuck here for two months. And I'm gonna miss HP7. And I'm not gonna see him or my friends. I can't even go out and have fun here. Perfect summer!

at least it's good that we can be texting here xD

la vie en rose ..

So this is it..
I'm flying home. :)

you are the best thing that's ever been mine..

Exams are taking too long, we're into the third week and it's getting exhausting. It gets so bad that you'll just be like, 'whatever, I can't take the pressure anymore, I'm just gonna lay down here and to hell with my marks :D'

Only three more papers left...sometimes I wish that I'd chosen the business group, they finished last Friday AND their subjects are waaaaay easier than science groups. You don't even need to study real hard. It just need common sense lol. Today we had Biology paper 1 and ICT practical, which was fine except for the fact that I messed up like two questions in Excel -.- pfffff. And whoever made the questions for bio reaaallly wanted us to fail. I won't fail, I never fail bio, but I'm not gonna get that A I planned of. So my average won't be realllly high. :| So my mom won't buy me a new phone. So my dad will be like you didn't study again. Ugh. I can already imagine them scolding me.

Yesterday my mom asked me to take Hydrixisine for my allergy and DAMN, it basically put me in deeeeep 12 hours long sleep. And I still woke up with my alarm clock. o.O I was still a but drowsy during bio =/

Anyway...he's the best freaking thing that's happened to me...he's my best friend at the same time too. It's like with him, I just can't give any shit about the world and its annoying people. With him, I don't overthink stuff, I don't stress myself out, I'm generally a better person. And even when I somehow manage to see the world as a dark even black he's still there, understanding what my problem is and why am I that way, and reassures me that it's gonna be alright. Typical Taurus of course :D Not to mention our brains being linked in a weird and complicated way. It's all just to good to be true.

I don't give a damn about what people say, they may say that he's not good for me or dislike him just because he's not like other disgusting guys in school, I don't fucking care. He's good for me and I love him and that's all that matters.

My life is more peaceful lately. It's like sharing it with someone else makes it easier to go on.

my life is brilliant.

I really had fun last night, even though I thought I wouldn't. It was an unexpected surprise birthday party for my friend's bf xD I mean at first it was awkward cause not all of us knew each other and well I'm not really a social person who enjoys partying with unknown people :D but he was there, and we danced, even though I hate dancing in front of people. It was cool. The people were friendly. And I wasn't that wasted at the end of the night :D

I just remember some blur moments of looking into his eyes and smiling and trying to speak Persian cause I don't know why I go English when I'm a bit under influence :D LOL. Then, we talked a lot, like a lot lot lot. We talked about future and random things. It was a really really awesome night. Just being beside each other felt like heaven.

Then I had to go around 11 and he got me home.

I reaaallllyyyy want exams to end right now. Cuz we both don't feel good spending time on this kind of stuff when we're in the middle of FINAL exams. :-/

I'll be home in around three weeks. Can't believe it.
Maybe don't even want it.
Cause I'm gonna miss a lot of things here..
But he's gonna go as well xD
So I can continue texting him everyday. We did that since May 2nd...there's not a day without texting going by lol.

Physics tomorrow! Now that's something I actually LIKE to study.

viva forever.

These past few weeks have been crazy! And I guess the crazier it got the more I was scared to write all of that here so we're just gonna skip the craziness :D (Dear future me, I'm sorry for not writing here for so long in such an important time, I really am! It's just that you can't really always hold on to past blog entries. Get a life xD)

So, during this time we moved to a new house, sports day happened and all that hard work for cheerleading was for nothing and we didn't win and it doesn't matter if the outfit was ugly, the whole thing sucked and I'm like soooo disappointed but it's alright cause it's so typically me giving up on something then picking myself up and wanting it more than ever and oh yes I know it's wrong to write such a long sentences with so many ANDS but I hate stopping when I'm writing cause I get lazy and I stop :D

It sure as hell was a strange sports day but oh well at least I got two medals, one for 400 meters relay (GOLD!) and one for tug of war. (silver :-") I liked the part when the moms were doing our hair at six in the morning and putting make up for us and getting us ready. Felt like celebrities lol. And Youmei's GaGa custom was simply amazing. (:

Then, drama shit happened again of course but we all know that I'm used to it by now and so, IGNORED! But this time was bad because guys were involved in it as well and it gets pretty bad when it happens. Boys just should not be involved in drama. It's bad.

Then exams started, then I found love right in the middle of it :D Hahaha joking now that's too cheesy. :-&
It's just that we finally did it, we finally decided to try it out and not be scared of being official and so far, so good. A little hesitation on my part because of the past mistakes but he makes me feel so comfortable and secure, he's someone I can depend on and that's something for me. He's real,  he's supporting, and he's there for me no matter what and oh well, those words make my heart skip a beat. It's like I believe in love again.

But seriously it's awesome :D we can even read each other's minds lol. He's so easy to talk to about anything and by anything I mean ANYTHING lol. I can't even imagine sharing those kind of stuff with anyone else. Not even the people I felt comfortable with.

Enough of the cheesiness.

So I have 13 papers for exams because all of the science subjects plus maths have two papers this term "-.-
So far I'm done with 5 and it all ends on June 29th. Been good til now. I even did kinda well for chemistry.

And my best friend just arrived in Malaysia yesterday and we're gonna spend one awesome month together here! Life is like really cool these days. I'm gonna see my dad soon too. Whoa.

ANNND...I'll be back in Iran for summer!!!!!!!!!!! ^.^
I'm like soooo looking forward to it. This time it's gonna be longer too. :D

the way I danced with you..

Suddenly, she was in his arms. His hands smoothed her hair gently, and when he spoke his voice was gentle, too.
"Don't cry, my brave little girl," ge said.
"I'll take you home."

-Gone With The Wind

it's a real big place.

Okay. So now I remember how winning feels like (:
First of all, my school house, Clover, which I'm very proud of, is in the finals for tug of war now B-) Thanks to our great group work and determination to win.
Our first round was Clover vs. Tulip which was kind of easy (Tulip lost in all of them! xD) and it was a good warm up for us. Then we had to face Shamrock which was the biggest challenge, they were really good and they were the only team to beat Marigold. We won the first round, then we lost the second round and it was a tie. Honestly I thought we're not gonna make it cause they were really strong, and it was a close match. They resisted and they challenged us, and I still believe the only reason for them losing was our stubbornness :D and well, they've had two ties and played more than us and naturally they were more tired than us.

Anyway, we won, the moment the referee blew the whistle, that was amazing. I remember jumping up and down and hugging people, and I remember quite a lot of high fives and pats on the back :D it was awesome. It was all worth the muscle pain I'm having now :D

Tomorrow we'll rest and Friday is the final between Clover and Marigold. Honestly, Marigold is great. They have giant boys :D We lost to them on the first day :-/ I'm positive though. I really want those 50 points for Clover! xD

I don't know why I care so much o.O people are like, come on Setareh it's just a game, it's just a sport house and I'm like Noooo, this is CLOVER! and I jump around and carry the flag and all that. o.O

Got the exams time table today, it's actually good, lots of free days for me :D And since all of the science subjects are two papers I can always get more marks for 'em. The only bad thing is, exams will start on June 13th and end on June 29th :( So long. I hope I can handle that loooong period of stress.

Speaking of stress, before the game I had another anxiety attack and breathing problems showed up again. I hate it when it happens :-/ It's like I get shortness of breath, I start sweating, my hands shake and my heart races and I'm trying to gasp air but it's just not there. I really truely hate it. But then, the game starts and  I get an Adrenalin rush and it all goes away :D I love the rush. It's the best mood to be ever :D I wish I was always like that.

I can't remember any dreams from the past two nights. It's weird o.O

p.s: he left. again.

sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead.

I know I've said it too many times but I'm so freaking out of time during these weeks! I come home around 4 everyday after practice, then I have to pack a little more of my stuff, then study a bit cuz exams are so freaking close, do my homework and projects and manage to still exercise at the same time and train myself for the 400 meters run and get enough sleep and eat healthy stuff and blah blah blah. And not to mention to spend time equally with all of my close friends which are unusually a lot (since when I'm so popular?! lol) It's crazy, it's like a roller coaster. I really wish this can make time pass so fast so I don't have to count days to going back to Iran.

Today it was the shot pot competition between houses and honestly Clover girls didn't do really well. I probably got the highest between them (5.2 meters! :-S) But two Tulip girls did great. I admit they're good. It seems like this year, in the overall houses competition it's Clover VS. Tulip 'cause even in the table we're so close and well ahead of the other houses. But in cheerleading, it's between us and Violet :D Do I have to say that I can't wait for sports day again? :D

I'm loving the rumours. It's like if two people from opposite sex spend the break and lunch time with each other and walk with each other, they're instantly marked as a couple. It's hilarious, anybody who sees me asks if I'm with him and I laugh it off and say we're just really good friends. Well we are. I'm glad to have him back. The mental connection is insane. To be honest I've never had it with anyone else. (The physical attraction sucks though :D )

But the other one I wanted...

Why do I still care about him? Why does it make me feel bad when I see him hanging out and having fun with other girls? I shouldn't. I know I don't really love him anymore. I know that it was just a fling. I know that it's not meant to be. But what destroys me everytime is that how good we could be. How amazing it would be. That's the thing that makes me sad. 

Speaking of boys in the past...

I ran into HIM today by accident, and it was cool. We're really good friends now. The war is over. I wish him all the best (: 

And by him, I'm referring to the very reason for me to have this blog, the one that all the early posts are about. I couldn't contain all that sorrow in me.

Haha. Now I've wrote about three different boys lol. 

I miss my cat. 

You had my heart and soul in your hands

I don't know why I keep doing anything and everything but writing here even though I want to do it so bad, because it calms me when everything is a mess. It's like my very own place for considering things and telling myself what to do. It's a different me here, the one I wish I could always be.

These days I'm busy packing my stuff, studying, and staying back in school everyday to practice for cheerleading for at least two hours, exercising and getting myself ready for the 400 meters running on sports day and trying to keep up with all my friends at the same time. The good part? I've been away from my laptop most of the time and it was great.

I'm getting myself involved in too many things this term but honestly I think I can do it. I know that this is the final term and all of us should study hard and all that, but I can't help not getting involved. My excuse is that I want my house (CLOVER!) to win this year again, but I know that I just wanna get too busy to forget about certain things and well to actually be away from the virtual life for a while :D I love it. I can't wait for sports day. We finished the song and we're working on the cheer, it's exciting. The cheerleading outfit is amazing as well. My favorite colour, RED! :D Which brings out that happy active girl in me. The sexy one maybe. I can really see that we can win cheerleading this year :D I mean yeah, Violet is good and blah blah blah, but they aren't the only good ones out there.

Sooo...we're moving out of this house and into a new one in like a week...I do not like changes. Specially when it involves packing things up 'cause I hate doing that :D

I miss home. I miss the people. A lot.
I think of them everyday. Every single day. Every one of them.
Every memory we've had. Every memorable moment, all the details...
I should stop living in the past.

P.S: Obsessed with Adele's music these days. Her songs are about everything I adore, the mourning for the past, with that sad amazing voice of hers...lol

life would be a party it'd be ecstasy...

I want to destroy this divine statue I have made of you for me all these years, it's not something I can control, it's not something I want, it's just there and I'm helpless. And no, this has nothing to do with what's been happening lately. It's somewhere in my past, someone still there, for years now. I want to hate you, so it'd be easier, but no one has ever made me feel the way that you did. I can never experience what I had with you with anyone else. I could never find anything like that, that divine. That thrilling. That moves every single part inside of me. Everytime.

I have this bad habit of wanting things that I can't have. I know that. But I really feel like it won't happen to you. It could never be boring. I know that when I'll have you, I'd still be fascinated every single day. I used 'when I'll have you' and not 'if I'd have you'...'cause I want it so bad. Cause I see it coming. Cause it could be.

I'm so insane...
There's been crazy stuff going on recently and all I can write about is another thing that makes me wanna go back, another step back into the past I adore so much.

I have very strong feelings inside right now. I wonder if anyone can see the fire behind these icy walls I have in my world..I don't know how to handle all that passion.

I wanna lay like this forever

Nostalgia hits you in the face and there's nothing you can do about it. (LT: Born To Make You Happy)
Anyway...I have a long unrealistic wish list here and I want them all. It doesn't hurt writing them even though I can't have them all :D

1. iPhone 4
2. iPod Touch
3. iPad :D
4. BlackBerry curve
5.A new red dress
6.A piano to practice at home
7.A puppy
8.All those awesome books in KLCC.
9.Basically all the good stuff in the world.
10. more dresses.
11. new high heels
12. a curling iron that actually works
13. no drama in my life
[LT: Truely Madly Deeply]
14. Channel's rouge coco
15. Nike running shoes
Bought 'em today. xD

Okay now that's too much and girly.

Call me a doctor

Do I have the slightest clue about what's wrong with me? Absolutely not.
It's like, I try to escape it, but it happens everytime and I fall back into this super massive black hole of depression. Everything starts going wrong and I keep having bad days everyday. My mind goes wild and I can't really sleep at night, I snap at people, I get hurt easily and my jealousy issues look worse than ever.

I thought that last week just happened because I was stressed, that when my mom will be back I'll be alright but it didn't happen and I'm actually getting worse, and she's no help. She's just another addition to my already stressed life. I try to not keep things inside, but the only way I can express it is with wild tears and I hate it. Yesterday I burst out crying like shit in class, shaking violently and big fat tears running down my hot cheeks. EVERYONE SAW IT. It's probably gonna be my most embarrassing memory forever...

I can't understand myself at all..What the hell's wrong with me? :-/
May was supposed to be terrific. It just turned out to be horrible.

home/friend/hug-sick

I don't know what the hell's wrong with me, here I am, 4 in the morning crying like shit.
I don't even know the real reason for it o.O nothing's wrong! at least doesn't seem wrong.

I hate it when it happens, it's like I control for a loooong time and one moment it needs a small trigger to BURST OUT. Right now I'm biting my own hand to prevent any awful noise from getting outta my mouth since bro is asleep. It's disgusting.

I can cry silently by myself all I want, but I know that what I need right now is someone to hug me and just don't ask about anything.

-By someone I mean anyone. Not a particular person.

Okay, writing was my last weapon and it did not distract me, it's pretty bad then..
I'll just go back to try to control the wild tears, they freak me out.

And promises to keep

There's this album in my Facebook called 'A Little While Ago' and I don't know why, I just love browsing it over and over again, and whenever I do I smile with no reason and damn I'm not a 'smiler' :D Same thing with 'Holidays In Iran', I just love each single photo, they remind me exactly how I felt and my smile in them is genuine. Hmm..And I still miss breathing there.

But when she's there, it's like part of me is there now, it's like I can see with her eyes and feel with her heart. I feel like I'm less here and more there. Physically here mentally there. And I live here like a living corpse, specially since there's no school to distract me.

I saw a little cute but very dirty kitten in the street on my way back home from cheerlading practice. It was small, and I estimated it might be one month old. Or three weeks. The thing about it was that it couldn't really move because it was blind, and couldn't open its eyes. It was really sad, it kept meowing and trying to find its mother. I really hope that no human did it to the poor thing. :| and me? I tried to move it away from the road, and I did even though it was damn hard (the kitten couldn't see me so it felt uncomfortable with being carried) I wanted to bring it home, but I couldn't carry it very far. Considered taking it to a vet, but I didn't have enough money with me then. I just feel so guilty. I hope it doesn't get run over by a car. :|

bored and lonely in a rainy day.

It seems like whatever I do is not with the flow. I become a nerd and people go party. I go partying and people become nerds. I'm single and happy couples are everywhere. I'm in a relationship and all of them break up. Confusing much :D

Anyway...it's been weird though...some couples that I'd never thought to break up broke up, and not just one or two o.O

Shannon's leaving for Sabbah tomorrow, Natalia is still in Australia, and Alex is kinda grounded. And me? Neglected I guess.

Did a bit of research about what does really attracts women to men and men to women and was a bit surprised to find that women do not care about the looks much as long as the man looks dependable and capable of protecting the future offsprings (CHESSY I KNOW...but that's biological stuff lol) and the reason that men pay the most attention to women's bodies and looks is because they can decide if the body is capable of giving birth to healthy offsprings that survive to pass his genes, like wide hips and small waist and all that...totally weird :D

Then maybe that explains why I can't help myself with intelligent and tall males :-S


P.S: Robbie Williams is so dreamy.

just try..

This is the bad thing about holidays, you wait for it and then when it comes you get sooooo bored you want school back. And the worst part is that I'm at home all day and my mom is driving me crazy, I can't stand her more than few hours a day :D I can't go out everyday, and Natalia is in Australia :( 

So I just sit at home and hate my face and hate myself and just eat when I'm stressed. Just realized that I have this eating disorder called Binge earing disorder, and Wikipedia says these are the signs. 

• Periodically does not exercise control over consumption of food.
• Eats an unusually large amount of food at one time, far more than an average person would eat in the same amount of time.
• Eats much more quickly during binge episodes than during normal eating episodes.
• Eats until physically uncomfortable and nauseated due to the amount of food just consumed.
• Eats when depressed or bored.
• Eats large amounts of food even when not really hungry.
• Usually eats alone during binge eating episodes, in order to avoid discovery of the disorder.
• Often eats alone during periods of normal eating, owing to feelings of embarrassment about food.
• Feels disgusted, depressed, or guilty after binge eating.
• Rapid weight gain, and/or sudden onset of obesity.

And damn, they're so true :( 

My mom still thinks that I'm making a big fuss out of it. 

Sometimes it's so bad that I just wanna die.

P.S: It's so good to be talking to the two people that meant a lot to you again. :)

Progress

I've learned that...

People don't like it when you try to change things about them or their lives. If you don't like something about it, don't get involved.

Nothing lasts forever, and friendships fade. You'll walk past your best friend like a stranger someday. Fast friendships are easy come and easy go - you should never put your everything in one.

If you don't want anyone to know something, the only way is to keep your mouth shut. If you tell even one person about it, still everyone will know.

People will talk about you behind your back. People do it to everyone. The only important thing is how you handle it - if you care, you lose.

It doesn't matter how many friends you have and how popular you are. The only person you can trust is yourself, if you fail in your life there's no one there to help you. In your darkest time, you only have yourself. So be a strong one.

Success doesn't come overnight. It needs a lot of hard work and a lot of time, and a determined mind. Of course you will fail in the first few steps - you just have to be strong enough to not give up and continue.

You can't change the past, but you can use your experiences to be better today. Each mistake teaches you something, that's why I love them. But they should not be repeated.

And hell yes, PRACTICE MAKES PERFECT.

Good lessons I suppose. Experienced every single one of them so it's true. And I wrote it myself :D

I wanna stay in love with my sorrow.

It's been crazy over the past week. It's like, to hell with exams, my whole life is screwed up, all the things that used to mean something are just nothing now. I can't recognize this outrageous girl, that does all the things I used to loathe . I've become everything I used to hate... I'm this girl that plays with boys like toys. I don't care about who gets hurt while I'm being careless. I know I MIGHT regret it later (I'm not even sure..that's bad) but for now I just want to throw it out and I don't understand myself at all. It's probably because I'm mad at someone or something or even myself but I should figure out why.

But it's so different, I don't think this is temporary. I've seen huge changes and damn I think they're gonna be there forever. The people, the people. I kicked out three of the friends I valued the most and I don't think we'll ever be back on again. And the whole thing with three of them is stubbornness. Maybe I just need more flexible people in my life for my own sake.

Daddy's leaving in a day. Don't know how to feel, I don't even know when will be the next time I'll see him.

Boys, boys, boys. They are crazy.
I don't wanna be a bitch that cheated. But this is so crazy. I hate all your lies. 

everything you touch just trembles doWn

EXAM WEEK'S COMING TO AN END! 

And I'm not really happy about it at all, honestly I don't know what I'm gonna do during the holidays. I'll miss the awesome people. And some of them are already about to leave us next term so I use every chance I get to spend some time with them :(

Human bio is my last serious test - tomorrow - after that weekend and stupid commerce on Monday and then boom, freedom. 

My right wrist is still injured so it's kinda bandaged with a medical waist supporter and typing is not easy lol. 

Everything's a bit better. I somehow managed to stop myself from being thrown in the huge black hole that took the life outta me the last time it happened. I'm beginning to gain control of things. Except for a few.

I enjoy talking to him and I shouldn't. It's wrong. I keep telling myself that we're just friends but it's not easy being just friends with somebody who has just confessed his feelings for you, and honestly I'm more attracted to him than my boring boyfriend. But I don't wanna hurt anybody, I wanna do the right thing and stay the good boring girlfriend for him and the caring friend for 'him'. But I know myself. I always mess things up anyway. :-/ 

I wish, I just wish that this blog was private for once. There are things that I can't confess to anyone else without them hating me for it. Shannon always judges, Alex is too cool for this kind of stuff, parents are just NO, HE just won't understand, and others are not close enough. The only person that I could really talk to without worrying that he'll judge me for being my true self is gone. Well, not practically gone, but yeah. Distance. Fucking distance. :|

and we had magic.

Tomorrow the exams are officially gonna start but since it's ENGLISH for God's sake, I'm not even in the super exam mood :D I mean, I studied some biology, but that's just about it. And I feel guilty for not studying too hard when all my mom does these days is saying how her friends' daughters are studying their asses off. I feel stressed. I feel horrible. I never let anything out so she thinks I'm chill and don't give a damn about exams but she never knew me and she never will. I never had a actual close relationship with my mother. It's just that, she doesn't understand certain things that goes up higher than basic levels. But my dad does. And that's why I adore him. We're similar in so many ways, but me and my mom...we're just worlds apart.

Today Shannon asked me if I miss him, and as I'm always honest with her I said not really. It's true. I mean it's nice when I see him but when I don't, I don't get this ache, I don't feel hopeless, I don't feel like texting him 24/7. As a matter of fact I've been ignoring his calls and texts, and that's bad. Not that I hate him, it's just that sometimes I just wanna hide and don't have social contact with any human being. I don't know why. So I'm doubting it, but then again I'm not in my best mood. I'm still confused and mentally paralyzed - not as much as before but I'm still lost. And my dad just got to KL on Tuesday, and exams, my mind is too full for him. AND I knew it, the second I told him 'yes' I knew this would happen, but that's just a disadvantage of a steady but boring relationship. Nothing can ever be perfect. When it is, you just got to marry that person :D

I miss Alex. I miss having those weird conversations. I miss being one of the few people he actually trusts. I miss everything. We're still on good terms but then again...THAT is lost. I hope we'll have it again someday far in the future when we're both different and more mature.

Went shopping with Shanz, I spent RM 150 in one day o.O feels good though! Shopping really can make anyone feel better :P

P.S: Loving the family time. Too bad it's only a few weeks a year...

I don't wanna die...sometimes I wish I've never been boRn at all

I hate Sunday afternoons. You just have nothing to do, and it seems like the minutes take years to pass. And it's SCHOOL tomorrow. And I hate writing a novel for English. Annnd I just wanna complain all I want.

Anyway, about good stuff, Fitness First is awesome. It's like I don't feel the time when I'm there, and today I started my personal training sessions with boxing :D it was greaaaat. I just punched and punched for a solid half an hour. HARD. xD

My dad's coming in a few days, don't know if it's good or bad. It's always good at first but then he starts criticizing me 24/7 and I just wish he would go back. It's Persian new year anyway :D We may be doing something about it in school but it's not gonna be huge cause it's exactly in the middle of term exams.

And well that's all about the good stuff.
How many disasters a country can handle at once? Earthquake, tsunami and possible nuclear leaking. I can't imagine how the people are there in Japan. I just wish they would all be safe..

P.S: Michael Buble's concert in Malaysia tonight. :| I'm just so miserable :-<

:|

I'm so confused these days. It's like the world is moving forward and I'm just standing behind waiting for something that I don't even know what is it. It's...bad. I'm not doing anything. I can't. I guess I'm kinda, mind-paralyzed. I can't decide, I can't choose, I can't even think straight. Something's awfully wrong these days. And it's strange because nothing's really wrong in my life. I'm not depressed. I'm not having any frienship problems. I'm not having the third world war with my mom. I'm not doing bad in school. I'm not unhappy with  my current relationship. There's really no reason for this.. I just want it to end cause the term exams are so freaking close..

Even physically, I'm always tired no matter how many hours I sleep I get (and they are a lot..) I forget things easily, I can't remember what I wanted to do or say a few seconds later. I can't concentrate on studying annnd I have this urge to eat even though I'm not hungry. This is the weirdest mood I've ever experienced. It's all so overwhelming...I'm worrying about something in my subconscious and I can't even figure out what that is. Even my dreams are bad these days. They are long and full of warnings and stressing elements. I don't feel safe anywhere..

Ahh. My mind is about to explode. I can't explain this.

the show must go oN

So today was officially my first day at FitnessFirst :D Went with my mom, watched MTV while working out. I love the atmosphere there. Everyone's so friendly, it's like a huge family. Gonna try the yoga class tomorrow.

And then...I rushed into a first date without heading back home and that was just a BAD IDEA. I mean I showered there, but I hadn't brought my make up stuff or earrings or necklace and bag..felt kinda weird and I was tired so there was a bit of silence there but it wasn't awkward, it was like a mental conversation through...hands :D

Then we went to watch The Adjustment Bureau and it kinda sucked and got boring, but we had a laugh outta it anyway...I guess it was a lame version of Inception :D Matt Damon kinda does look like Leo DiCaprio and even  Emily Blunt looks like that girl in Inception and the theme was sci-fi and weird stuff happened too but really the story sucked. Gaah. Not the best movie to start with :D BTW it was my first time going to the movies alone with a boy and it wasn't as bad as I expected.

Then it rained like crazy, and we just decided to walk through it anyway :P I got on the bus then and he called me and was on the phone with me until I got home xD
I'm sooooo tired now.
Like, really tired.

Still hoping that it lasts forever. His words are comforting. I've never heard stuff like that from a boy and I know it's hard for him to say it but he still makes the effort anyway. Maybe they CAN be good after all.

Lucky to have stayed where I stayed...

Today was the best day ever...no biology and maths 'cause Ms.Neeti and Mr.Rama were absent :D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D Okay I can't stop being happy about it lol. So we just wasted time, played group games and he was all mine. :) The only bad part of today was the activities time, I still can't f***ing understand why boys and girls should be separated. I mean, girls do NOTHING! All they do during that time is talking and gossiping in small groups, and of course no one plays anything. I miss playing football with boys like last year. Now I should just join the club of bitches, talking about every single person's private life in school. Arrrgh.

BUT I guess we solved some problems today with some people. Peace all over. Feels good, even if the problems are not solved deep inside at least you can pretend like they are and just be nice in each other's faces, I don't give a damn about behind-my-back-talks. I just can't care anymore. xD

I know that in first steps of relationships everything seems perfect, you're on top of the world and nothing can bring you down. I just hope it will be like that forever. :) 

P.S: TERM EXAMS IN ELEVEN FREAKING DAYSSSS!!!! :-SsSsSs

I just don't have any idea about what the title should be :D

Woke up to this huge red eye of mine, I was freaked out. Like, the whole white part of my eye was REEEDDDD, and you could see the tiny blood vessels (ehem...capillaries since I am a Human Biology student :D) just popping out...scary shit. So I was so horrified I told my mom there's no way I'm going to school like that (AND with glasses!) and I wanna wait until 10 to see a doctor or something. It could have been eye infection which sucks and can lead to blindness, and is caused by dirty eye contacts and HEY, I'm wearing contacts everyday since February 2010. But oh well...I fell asleep...woke up at 12...my eye's fine now. Doesn't even hurt anymore.

Piano is a bit more complicated than I expected it to be but my teacher says that I'm talented and I'm a fast learner, and I'm gonna start learning how to play John Lennon's Imagine :) And will probably buy a keyboard of my own...really need to practice more.

So sleeeeeepy.
I missed seeing him all day long.
And when he called, it was like heaven.

It sucks that you're always gonna sound cheesy when you're in love. :D

CaN't touch thiS!

Whoa, so now Justin Bieber's birthday is a national day? o.O that was all everybody was talking about all day long in school AND out and half of the Facebook statuses was about him..I mean, come on! o.O

So me and Shannon and Harold went to KLCC after school to watch I Am Number Four! :D The movie was good, could have been better though. Everything was kinda rushed. And then Harold left early and we had an awesome girls hang out, windowshopping and checking out hot guys :D And talked talked talked. I needed something like this, wasn't really allowed to hang out this month...lolz.

ANNNNDDDD we finally went to check FitnessFirst! IT'S AWESOME. The guys kinda gave us a tour of the whole gym and they have all those work out machines and stuff and steps and those big gym balls :D a big room for yoga and a huge room for dance routines with mirrors all over, and sauna and cafe and TVs to watch while you run on the treadmill. I mean like, a heaven! It had everything. I'm sooooo going for it no matter how much money I should cut from my pocket money. I calculated that I'll be a smoking hot chick by summer if I start now :D:D:D:D

Do I have to repeat that he's so sweeeeet everyday? :D It's been  a week.. :)
LIFE JUST CAN'T GET ANY BETTER!!!

the touch of your hand can save my liFe

It's crazy how things can change so quickly. Two weeks ago I was the saddest person on earth, thinking nothing good is left for me anymore, and I just lost everything. But now it's all so amazing, I can hardly believe that those awful times really existed. And today I got some news about one particular person that used to make my life a living hell...and I wasn't happy when I heard about her pain. I don't want to see people getting hurt no matter what they've done to me. My 'enemies' being in trouble doesn't make me happy at all.

Now tables are turned, and with every single day passing I realize how ironic life can be.

Today was so fast...and I guess I know why :)
We'll probably go watch I Am Number Four with Shannon tomorrow. I've been dying to see it :D

CoMe what may

This is the first weekend in a long time that I was actually allowed to have fun in, the past few ones were always about studying all the time...so we had a girls night out with some awesome friends, no boys for a while :D It was cool. Took some awesome pictures too. It was supposed to be no boys all day long but well, he was on my mind all the time, and he called a few times :D He was out with his friends, a boys night out I suppose lol.

I'm not used to be so cared for all the time...but I guess I'll get used to it, and I like it haha. It's nice to know someone's thinking of you, someone misses you every minute and someone just...loves you for who you are. It's heart warming. Okay that sounded so cheesy! :D

I'm having a quite mind now. Thinking hard to write down something else about my day in here or my feelings or my thoughts but really, that was all about my peaceful Saturday. No complications.

THERE! I found it! I'm hating my body again. The pressure of the people in school expecting every single girl to be a Victoria's Secret model is just too much.. :-/

P.S: Watching Moulin Rouge again. <3 Can't get tired of that movie. It's just so ROMANTIC.

when you walk away, I count the steps that you taKe

I was youtubing this evening as usual when I came across a rather old music video of Avril Lavigne, When You’re Gone. Then all of a sudden I was thrown somewhere in the summer of 2007, one of those long, lazy nights in front of T.V when I couldn’t sleep earlier than four in the morning, and this music video kept being played all the time. I guess it was one of those moments when you listen to a song you have memories with after a looooong time, you just feel it again, every little thing and all the things you used to be and feel once upon a time all together. But of course, the magic vanishes when you insist on keeping it…so no, playing it for the second time doesn’t have this effect. I’ll probably have to wait til 2014 to listen to it again :P but then again, I have too much memories already…

I had a bad nightmare last night. First of all, I don’t know why, but all of my nightmares have been about animals but mostly my cat. The only time it wasn’t about her was when I was stuck in a weird room with a huge black snake and I couldn’t even scream.

So…all that I can remember after 14 hours of having it is that she wasn’t even her usual goldish brown colour, she was black and white, but somehow I knew it was her. She had a problem or something and I took her to a vet, I opened her cage or something and it was just a second later when a brown dog just jumped forward and grabbed her by teeth, and swallowed her! I couldn’t think of doing anything but running after the dog, I don’t know how but I somehow managed to grab him and open his…stomach! And my cat was there, dead of course, but a particular scene that has hunted me since morning is that frightened look on her face, with her paws up to defend herself but it was like she was frozen.

Grrrr. I woke up with a pounding heart and sweat all over my face. Couldn’t calm myself easily. I know it’s silly that all of my important dreams are about a cat, but she’s not really a cat, she’s MY cat, she means so much to me. I’ve had her since I can remember. I grew up with her. Maybe she represents something deep down inside me that I’m not aware of yet. I’m kinda tired of having vivid dreams every single night. It’s like, living in another world for a few hours, and that world actually makes sense, then being thrown away back to reality when I wake up. Maybe spirits really do fly. I feel exhausted after having a vivid dream. O.o

Finally had my English presentation today in front of the whole class! I was so nervous I actually stopped talking for a few seconds because my mind went blank and I messed up a few words too..but I guess it was fine overall. It was about animal cruelty and how our carnivore diet affects the murder of millions of animals every year. I hope I had some kind of impression on them. At least I hope they’ll think about it the next time they’re eating meat.

He’s amazing. I feel great. I just can wish to be as good as he is to me.  I can be so cruel sometimes..but hey, I still miss him when we have different option classes for an hour :)


P.S: I hate it when my mom catches me singing to the mirror. :|

Guess I just met ya xD

So it's weird and true, I'm in a relationship now. Haha. It's SO unusual. I've been free for quite a while and I just realized that commitment freaks me out, acting like couples freaks me out. But I guess I'll get used to it, he's so NICE. He agreed to let me get used to this, he's so patient. He understands. I never expected it from him and it's still a surprise for me, I never thought he could have possibly have feelings for me o.O Oh well.

I've had some changes, in my face, in my body, I'm like, totally changed. It's not just me, everyone has been telling me I look good, I'm sexy, I'm beautiful, whatever. It feels good. It's like power, just walking in a crowd, with all the heads turned back at you, girls getting jealous and guys dying to have you, it's confidence. And this part is gross, some taken guys tried flirting like hell :-/ Ewww. Stupid boys. Always caring for the looks. I'm the same person.

Now that I realize it, he's kinda perfect for me even though he might not have the qualities of the list I've made :P but he cares for me, I'm his biggest priority, he's always around me, he gives me attention, and it's cheesy but he protects me and hell, what kind of girl can't like that? It might be boring but it's safe. No drama. I've had my share of lust, and going after things that are attractive but don't last, maybe it's just time to settle down now. xD

Doing great with assessments BTW. Now my parents will leave me alone when they see my grades. As and Bs. :D

P.S: Why does it always have to happen in late February?! :)))))) LOL...

There's gonna be a heartache tonigHt

I'm always sleeping at 12 and waking up at 10:30 and that's kinda freaking me out. I also sleep three to four hours in the afternoon. That's too much, and I feel tired through out the day anyway. Pshhhh. 

So today is gonna be a busy day, and hopefully productive. I've installed this awesome extention for Google Chrome called StayFocused that blocks useless websites like Facebook, Twitter, Google Reader etc. that only waste your time if you spend more than a certain time on them :D If I'm not surfing the net, I can be a hell of productivity :D 

Just got invited to a friend's birthday tomorrow in RedBox, gonna see what I can get for her...I love buying presents for people. It's worth seeing that their faces lights up when they get it :D 

I'm still thinking...maybe it's not as bad as I think, maybe I should let myself gradually feel love rather than that crazy instant feeling which will blow off after a while, leaving me to dislike someone I used to be crazy about. Maybe it's really better this way. He cares about me, a lot. I haven't had someone like that for a loooong time. Maybe it's time...?! 

Maybe I shouldn't over think every damn single thing. 

Sing about everyone that you left beHind

Listening to the Beatles was the only way I could push myself into writing in this :D I'M SO LAZY! IT'S LIKE I CAN DO SO MANY AWESOME THINGS BUT I JUST CAN'T PUSH MYSELF TO START IT...

Okay that was random..
These days have been good. I'm being myself and it rocks, like I finally can use all that energy in a good way :D annnndddd it's only been one week after that awful night but I can already see how stupid was it, and how I just can't care now, it's crazy. I just feel like I'm free now. I can focus my energy on more important stuff, not bitches and drama. They have probably said a thousand words behind my back but I just CAN'T care. My life is more interesting than theirs :D

Oh and I studied human biology and biology today, my mind is kinda resting now. It's full of medical terms. And I like it, I would be a doctor if I wasn't disgusted by injuries and blood. But maybe I'll get used to it, who knows? I like helping people/animals.

So, I tried to not care about boys and all, but it's my effing nature I can't help it :D It's like my heart's learning how to recover more quickly each time, so the last few ones only took a few days and that's awesome, I'm becoming a heartless star. Buttttt there's this boy, he likes me, he's fine, but the problem is I don't like him in that way, it's awkward when we're alone and all I'm doing in school these days is trying to run away from him and he's always trying to get a chance to be with me, it's bad, I don't wanna hurt anyone, I don't wanna be like the people who hurt me before because I used to like them. I don't want to hurt him. But really, I'm not attracted to him, it won't work out, how the hell should I tell him this? I don't wanna lose the friendship either... boy advice please? oh and two of my former friends in the class like him too, I know I'll upset them if I date him. Complicated stuff.

Soooo looking forward to May. It's gonna be GRAND! :)

taSte of freedOm

Sometimes I think that I really do need to write in here everyday, 'cause if I don't my mind might just explode, I need a place to sort these thoughts out and tell myself some stuff, because when others do I never tend to listen or accept it in anyway. I'm that stubborn...but when it comes to writing here, it's like another 'me' is writing, a much wiser and grown up version of Setareh that can see everything clearly. So yeah, I'll be here for a long time I guess.

These past days been crazy, bad and good, boring and exciting, depressing and bursting with joy. C.R.A.Z.Y. But I'm glad they were there, and the things that happened happened. It made me realize some important stuff which I was really beginning to ignore and forget about. Like how much I wasn't trying hard and how I let the 'frienships & relationships' be my biggest priority, which brings along useless drama and takes a lot of my energy and concentration that I need in such an important year. I needed to cool off, I was too wild in the past few months and well, that wasn't the real me. I never liked sudden friendships, and it always turns out that I was right about it. They're not deep, and they can end as quickly as they started, one day you're 'best friends' and the next you walk past each other like strangers. I thought that night could kill me, it nearly did, but then someone reminded me of what should really be important to me, what I really am, and how I am different from those people, how I'm better than them in so many ways, brighter even. I needed to hear this. To remember it again, and since then I've been awfully calm and relax. I mean, after a huge fight you should be feeling at least bad for a few days or so, but I have a hard time remembering that I'm even in a fight at all. I just don't see them anymore, if I want to be honest.

So...my lifestyle's lot better now. No more partying and stupid,countless hangouts to waste time with, no more excess Internet which is totally awesome, I just realized how relaxed I am when I'm not using my laptop. I exercise, I eat healthy and less, and I get enough sleeps each night. This is the best feeling ever, the feeling of having control over your life. Before that, 'people' controled my life. Now I do. :)

I just don't have any idea about what the title should be :D

Woke up to this huge red eye of mine, I was freaked out. Like, the whole white part of my eye was REEEDDDD, and you could see the tiny blood vessels (ehem...capillaries since I am a Human Biology student :D) just popping out...scary shit. So I was so horrified I told my mom there's no way I'm going to school like that (AND with glasses!) and I wanna wait until 10 to see a doctor or something. It could have been eye infection which sucks and can lead to blindness, and is caused by dirty eye contacts and HEY, I'm wearing contacts everyday since February 2010. But oh well...I fell asleep...woke up at 12...my eye's fine now. Doesn't even hurt anymore.

Piano is a bit more complicated than I expected it to be but my teacher says that I'm talented and I'm a fast learner, and I'm gonna start learning how to play John Lennon's Imagine :) And will probably buy a keyboard of my own...really need to practice more.

So sleeeeeepy.
I missed seeing him all day long.
And when he called, it was like heaven.

It sucks that you're always gonna sound cheesy when you're in love. :D

They say it's all fair in love and in war

Sittin' in Starbucks AGAIN. I'm really getting sick of it :D

So today we'll be heading back to KL - in exactly two hours - and then I have to get ready for school :-/ Monday left and we'll have a one week holiday because of Chinese New Year which is awesome :D 

I don't know how to feel. Maybe writing about it is stupid. Lame maybe. I just know that I want to have something of my days when I look back, just a piece of memory...I care about this kind of stuff. Can't let go of the past, and always scared of the new things. That really sucks. 

But guess what saves me? The crazy need to reach for the goals I set, and the fact that I face hard stuff no matter how much they hurt. You know, when I think about it it really makes me feel good, cause I really don't think I'm much of a good person but that single positive trait helps. 

Okay I'm not making any sense here. I just miss home.

P.S: WHY SHOULD MICHAEL BUBLE BE ENGAGED?! THAT DELICIOUS THING! :D

I try so very hard not to loSe it

So this is the third one in what...seven months?! I'm really beginning to think something's awfully wrong with me. Or not. I have no idea. I just read something that I shouldn't have, one of those things that you should never know no matter how important they are and your heart just sinks. Now I'm trying to get over that feeling by writing, maybe talking about it makes it better...hope it works. :-/

Reached Penang Island yesterday and it's so far so good. I'm not really a travel lover but getting out of that crowded and big city for a while was nice. It's cooler than KL because it's by the sea and is full of hills. So we arrived at seven something in the evening, put our stuff in the hotel and then went out to explore the area, and ended up at Starbucks until they closed at 12 :D Cabs are rare here I've no idea why, even though lots of tourists are here. Generally things are different here. People are more friendly, the buildings are less and the ocean is everywhere. So we couldn't find a cab at 12 and got to our hotel because some nice guy offered us a ride, I'm sure it would never happen in KL. :D

I was so tired that I finally had a real sleep without trying so hard to tell my mind to shut up. Woke up around nine, had breakfast (fruits for me - I hate hotel's breakfast sausages xD) then strolled down the beach which was right in front of us because it's a beach hotel. It was cool until I decided to go in the water and the salty water hit my injured knee (HAD A BLEEDING KNEE YESTERDAY IN P.E!) and it hurt like shhiiiiiit so I went up to fix it...now it looks kinda weird. No infection please. Mom's been nagging about having an injection for it since yesterday. o.O

The bus system here is way cooler. Explored the whole island with it :D Now we're sitting in McDonald's because of the WiFi, I hate the food. Will be back in KL by tomorrow night.

Okay, I think I successfully distracted myself...thanks.

I caN feel your heartbeat

My first activities in this term...badminton! It can be boring but today it wasn't and we reaaalllly played, hardcore! :P 

I hate the drama behind everything though. I'm deciding to not have any 'best friend' at all, cause once you mark them your bestie things will fall apart, and I've learnt that the closest person to you can become a total stranger the next day. Exprienced this way too much to risk again. I'm going to hang out with everyone, not dedicating my life to a particular person. :-/ I'll take no sides. I'll stay outta drama. IF I can. xD 

Sitting in Starbucks, right beside the big glassy window and I see people when they walk pass it, the cars and the view of the big awesome De Palma hotel. 

Love writing in here even though it's always ' 0 comments' :D . I personally know three people who read this regularly and eight other people are subscribed to its feed in GR. It's creepy, knowing that real people in your life read this. I try to forget that fact when I'm writing though. 

I feel so many changes! Little things that didn't matter before make my day now, new stuff to do, and Gossip Girl is no longer entertaining haha. I... even don't miss 'them'. Jusssstttt waiting for my daddy. Let's hope I won't jump in his arms in the airport. 

I'm having the time of my lifeeeeeee...and I never felt this way before! =p

Can I have some balance in my life pleeeaaaaasssseeee?! :D

I mean, I'm not complaining, but it's really challenging to have such stressful days full of depression and sickness and awful thoughts and tears, and the next day so energetic and loud and friendly and...'happy'. Today was one of the good ones, I even started singing walking back home and it was raining :D 

Today was not supposed to be good...apparently somebody had informed school people about our hang outs and parties and they questioned us one by one about it. That was awful, we all felt like criminals! I mean, what we do out of school is none of their business should not be their concern. Damn, I feel stalked now. They knew about every detail through Facebook. :-/

But I'm happy that no one got expelled or hurt xD and after that I had an amazing afternoon. It was just pure fun. And my piano lesson was awesome :D she said I'm really gifted for piano. And it felt natural. Maybe I really shouldn't have wasted my time with violin all this time. 

I feel good, I feel so alive, I feel like I can do ANYTHING. To-do lists always make me feel better xD and my new room has seen awesome changes annnnnddddd I've lost a few more pounds and look somewhat slim which me likes :D all the male students in school like it too it seems. Foolish boys, always caring about the outside. It's good I have good inside and outside at the same time! =p LOL

Planning to start Fitness First maybe! It's much easier and it's fun when it's with friends/family. 

wish I was sober, so I could see clearly now the rain has goNe...

I didn't write in here for so long because I felt guilty about letting go of it when I promised I will write in it everyday.
And then I told myself, what the hell should I be guilty for, why should I explain it, why should I be worried about updating a blog when I'm having the time of my life back home? So just screw it, I'm not gonna tell you a summary of my days in Iran :D

I've been having this terrible allergic attack for a few days now. It's awful. I mean, everytime I tell myself it's nothing new and I'm used to the pain but it still kills me everytime. And this time it was the worst, it affected my face and eyes too... :-/ an extension to the usual horrible arms and legs and neck. It's painful, it's damn painful. So today while waiting in Starbucks before my doctor appointment, I had a stupid argument with my brother and then he said something and I just burst out into tears like shit. It happened because of the pain, because of the way I've had been treating the people close to me, because of all the anger I felt deep inside and because of the thought of the people I'm no longer talking to and they aren't just a few, and they're so recent. :-/ Actually it worries me, I've been crying a lot lately. Even by considering the PMS factor! :D What the hell happened to that strong girl I once knew...

Used to be distracted by music while writing, but now it's actually good. It's like, I'm not even thinking and my fingers just type very fast as if they have a brain of their own. That's how this bullshit gets here, LOL.

Didn't go to school today of course. I hate going out when this happens, I hate people seeing me when it happens and having to stand all those whispers about how they feel sorry for me. But...today I got a little better and my face seems a bit okay...so I'll wear my jacket to hide the arm scars and will go tomorrow, cause I miss my friends and I get so damn bored at home and well...because I love studying. And all of my books are in my locker in school. :-/ Ow and I hate missing Human Biology classes :D I love Ms.Neeti. Which reminds me, she chatted with me in facebook asking me how am I! :P I mean, it's so cool considering the fact that she's my class teacher. She's been screaming a lot this term but after all I know it's because we're such a painful class :D Mohd just got expelled... :-/

I TALK A LOT! I KNOW I DO! ONLY IN MY BLOG :D

Ain't no ending to thiS paiN..

I just wish that I had the nerves to kill myself.
Right now I'm very seriously thinking about those pills in my bag, and I know that only ten of those white pills can put me in a painless and deep sleep and I won't ever wake up.

But...damn me for still caring for what will happen to THEM. :|