So many bad things happening at the same time and when it happens, everything goes outta my control and it gets messy and I'll be confused...so imma sort them out here to see what the hell's exactly wrong. It could be just my usual summer depression (happens every single year in August) but I have pretty good reasons as well...
I'm mad and sad and scared at the same time and feeling like this life sucks more than ever.
I'm really sorry to say this but I hate every single moment of being here and I still have ONE MORE MONTH to go and it just seems like a nightmare. What hurts more than having my basic freedom taken away from me here is little by little understanding the fact that your friends just don't give a shit about you, when I was sooo excited just to see them once more and I also wrote that here that I think of them everyday and I miss all of them. It really sucks.
And my best friend for so many years seems to have replaced me with one of my friends, they go out without me and they don't tell me anything, they do everything together and I'm not included anymore and it just hurts but I just have to accept that friendships aren't forever. You get close to someone and everything's great, you feel like you can't live one more day without talking to them anymore, you feel like they understand you without trying and well, you understand them too. It's so natural and comfortable and BOOM! something happens or sometimes it doesn't and you just fall apart without even actually saying goodbye. For some people the honeymoon period is longer and for some shorter, but it will eventually happen...I really wish it didn't. I tried to not believe it. But it's happened too many time to me and each time it's getting harder to ignore this one bitter rule of friendship.
After a few years of struggling to have a normal friendship with an ex he came back again, wanting me back...and I knew that I didn't have to think about it to say no. I'm not that kind of girl to cheat when her guy's not around. But then he handled it badly, and I guess all that effort for a after-break up - friendship were for nothing now and it's gone. And it bothers me. It wasn't my choice.
I have nothing to do here...I wanna go back. Back in KL my friends are planning a trip to Genting, Pascale is all alone there as well, we could have chilled...and Shannon will be back by 16th, and Alex too, and just all the good stuff will be in August. It doesn't matter that I missed watching HP7 in 3D anymore. :D There are greater stuff. There is one whole month that I could use to be with the people I love and the people who love me back, not being stuck in a super hot and sad country full of people that hate me but I thought they'd want to see me after all. I feel like being wasted away here. They don't even realize it but after being outta it for a while I realize how even breathing in here for a few weeks will make you indifferent to everything...you hear bad new, worse each day, and you just can't feel anything anymore. People are numb here.
I used to love coming back, but now it's all so different. Maybe you really shouldn't try to replan doing all the good things that's happened before unplanned, it just can't work out. My life, my room is in Malaysia now. My 'friends', my school, things that I care for..everything important in my life is there. There's a heavy hatred flowing in here.
Now all that said, I just should point the fact out that I'm not hating my country or trying to say that I'm sooo different and cool and khareji and blah blah blah, it's just that I don't belong here anymore. None us do, when we leave to live somewhere else, you can't really come back and try to relive your past life in Iran. I love my country, I really do, but it just doesn't have a place for me anymore.
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