crazy little thing

So I missed a lot of days here, doesn't seem to matter anymore though.These days here, they make me sad, and every single hour passing reminds me how close I am to leaving again and I don't think I can handle it this time, it's like watching something being torn again and again and each time it gets harder. Sometimes I think if my parents just leave me there I'll be alright. But every few months I have to come back and start the misery all over again. There's no ending to it. And each time here feels less and less like home.

Well, of course you don't understand what it feels like, and of course you'll think I'm making a big deal out of nothing.

I hate this two faced people, I hate it when I try so much and they do nothing, it's like I don't even exist to them. Then I get mad at myself, for caring too much, to be stupid enough to think they care. And every single time I decide to leave them but I can't actually do that. SUCKS.

Hate crying but in certain days it's not in my control :D and yesterday was the worst! I was in the car with dad, watching the city and the people, thinking how much I'm gonna miss it. Miss being here, miss being in the same time zone, miss family stuff. Then he left for a few minutes to buy stuff and I just burst out crying in the car, it was awful. Crying scares me cause I hate being weak and well, I don't cry like normal people. I bite my lips and put my hands on my mouth to stop moaning and the sound is scary, then my whole face goes white and I look like a crazy person that has just ran away from a mental hospital and ewww.

The good thing is that I won't need to cry for the next few weeks after that :D but damn, it really does make me feel better.

Finished reading Deathly Hallows again at 3 a.m. I can read that book over and over again.

I HATE WASTING TIME!

too much love will kill ya and you won't understand why

Something is wrong this time and I have no idea what it is. Knew that since the moment the plane landed in Tehran and I didn't feel a thing. 

Anyway...holidays...it's a relaxing time after all that school and exam and drama and stressful times. Everything's better here. I'm not really a family lover but I enjoy the family gatherings and nope I can't wait for Yalda xD It's gonna be huge! It's weird and it's good that I never missed it for a year. It's always huge. It's always at my grandma's. With a LOT of people. 

I'm really honestly happy for them. To hell with my own problem, they're cute together. They're strong together. But then again I just wanna fast forward life and see who's gonna be mine. Nobody. LOL

I know I'm not obsessed with a song anymore when it loses its magic. I'm gonna miss Sail Away! 

Once upon a time we had a place to call hoMe

I'm gonna update this a lot while I'm here - I want to record every single thing of my time here, and well, I've got nothing else to do since there's nothing much I can do here.

So, today I finally got to see some of my friends, it was so effing cold! Then when I got home I had this allergy attack because I was holding some cats in the park :D My eyes are still red and scary. Got to take awesome photos with family, too. Never liked being a photographer but it's part of my plan to capture every moment here. I want to feel good when I see them back in Malaysia, when I miss home so much that I just cry like shit. It helps. 

And...there was something about this meeting today, I don't know...maybe I was wrong, but I felt like a total stranger there. Maybe only one or two of them were really glad to see me. I felt very awkward and I wasn't even myself, I was nervous and I acted like a stupid girl. :| I was only comfortable around Wisy and Melik :D Because they ARE my friends. I can still be paranoid but I've a feeling that the rest totally hate me. Or I'm annoying. Or something like that. 

Anyway...that's a part of not having a home. I'm a stranger here, I'm a stranger there. Life sucks. 

Remember when we swore we'd never fall?

So I'm finally here.
And I'm mad at myself.
Because I don't feel excited, I don't get heart beats, I don't feel anything...
And then I have to remind myself, hey, this is the place you dreamed of every night, where you wish you were forever. WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU? o.O

Love the coldness though. Love my cat. Love the family time. Love the life :)

P.S: Currently obsessed with The Rasmus.

You'll stay...I'll sail away

Just wanna go hoMe...

SO sleepy.
Haven't slept for 24 hours and been out all day.
So sleepy that I don't feel like writing all the stuff that has happened these days. And they are CRAZY stuff.
Maybe I'll do that when I'm bored, locked up in the house, nothing else to do...

I'm going home. :)
In a few hours.
<3

P.S: I HATE FLYING!!!!!
P.S 2: I'll miss Aleksander so much. I already do. :(

Read between the lineS

Eveything's a bit better.
And I really have to thank you for finally making me realize how low I got myself for you.
Anyway...I'm REALLY TRULY TOTALLY FINALLY over it, and you know how can I tell? I don't get a freaking heart beat when I see his name or himself. Don't even wanna see him before I go. Don't wanna see those two faced 'friends' too. She left me when she knew I needed her more than ever, and I gave a lot of myself to stay with her and now I realize she didn't DESERVE it. It's enough...I'll come back stronger in 2011. :)  And you can call me a selfish bitch but I am going to put myself before anyone else, anything else. At the end, the only one you can count on is yourself, no matter how many people you think you have. They can all leave you in a second. I have to have myself's back, don't you think?

Today me and Shannon went to Rebekah's house! It was awesome. She has these three lovely cats, Hero, Cow and the other one's name I've forgotten :p I just couldn't get enough of them! And then we had this nice spicy dinner that I managed to finish even though the chili in it was killing me and I had tears in my eyes, hehe. I don't know how they handle the spicy-ness! o.O

Going to straighten my hair permanently (or rebounding as they say in Malaysia.) tomorrow. Honestly, I'm gonna miss my curls, but it'll make everything so much easier. I tried fighting it but I finally gave up, my hair type can't stay good in such a humid place like Malaysia, so if I don't want frizzy hair, have to straighten it...I'm looking forward to it: D

P.S:

My shadow is the only one that walks beside me
My shallow heart is the only thing that's beating
Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me
'Til then, I'll walk aloNe. 

Glowing dim as an amber

It's 05:27 in the morning, I've stayed up all night and I'll be going to school for the last time today to get my report card.

I don't know what happened to me again. I'm SHAKING with tears. It's like, I keep it locked there, perfectly hidden, and then it needs a trigger and BOOM! It's out, it's violently out. I don't know what's wrong with me! I know it's not good to write when you're in an extreme condition like this cause you'll say things you'll regret but I can't help it I have to get it out and well after all it's my freaking personal weblog no matter how nonsense it's in it, it's mine.

Why can't I just have somebody, what the hell is wrong with me? I know I'm not hot or something but that's not the reason, it amazes me how people can easily be together, and how hard everything is for me, I'm tired, I'm sick and tired of this, I smashed my pride for something that I thought was worth it but it wasn't, and now I've lost everything, IT SUCKS, I'm freaking crying like hell now and it makes me angry because I let myself be weak and I hate it, I wish I could just get a grip and pretend nothing's happened... I WANT to, and I'm trying, but whenever it starts getting better and I think it's finally worked, something else happens again. I'm tired of following, maybe it's their turn to follow me, I'm tired of smashing my pride like that, I want my ego back. I feel disgusted with myself. He ruined basically everything I used to be.

ENOUGH OF THE BULLSHIT.

Today (practically yesterday) was the Christmas assembly. I sang Once Upon A December with Lilian. And it doesn't help a thing, actually it's a negative thing cause I feel really awful singing next to HER, she has this amazing voice and of course the whole school was watching and they'll compare me to her and all that stuff.

And then there was this after school fight Shannon and Hamza had, I really can't have more stuff to make me worse at the moment. I don't want my friends fighting. It's the worst feeling in the world. When Alireza and Shannon had a fight it was awful, I forced her to make up for that.

Can't wait for Iran. I need to get outta here for a while...too much drama.

P.S: Sugababes' Too Lost In You can make me cry. Duh.
P.S 2: I've started this fruits diet which sucks but I should stick to it cause I feel so FAT.

the monster you were running from is the monster in you.

So I'm living those awesome lazy days after exams. And everything's so empty, so pointless. I sleep until late and then wake up and stare at myself in the mirror for a while, the same serious expression looks at me in disapproval and then I get online to forget about everything else. It's almost like a drug, like I wanna escape life.

No...I'm in love with life...I've already said it before...but the people in it make it hard.

This is my honest confession. I know some people read it without commenting, people who personally know me. But really, I don't mind anymore, I just want to get it out.

I'm scared. It pains me to see how everybody else easily get together, and I've been looking and looking and wanting and I always end up getting hurt, and alone. I've always thought that maybe I should wait for a while, but how come others shouldn't wait? They get who they want easily. Nothing seems to be in their way. What's wrong with me?

The people I love are special. Not like everyone else. Doesn't make me special though, it just means that I go for those people normally wouldn't. And I don't know why, somehow it's always me, they never stick with me. What's my problem? Sometimes I just wish I could be like them...so easily, falling for shallow stuff and lies...but I can't. I guess I'm better off alone, at least for a while. My mom says I'm rushing, that I'm still too young to be hopeless like this. But I'm tired of being on my own, sometimes I just need someone to simply say that they love me. I'm tired of always being the strong one.  I can't keep this face up anymore...I need to be with someone. I need to love someone to feel strong again. My life is just so EMPTY. Everyone around me thinks I have the fairytale life, and everything's perfect, but they can never see the pain inside. I put a good cover on...but behind it it's just me, alone again. And fuck it, now I'm covered in tears again. :|

I've learned to leave the past where it should be. I decided to forget about him. Maybe my affections are too strong for him :) but what hurts the most is that he's avoiding me cause he thinks if he gets close, I might get my hopes high...heh. I just don't wanna lose him as a friend too.

Sometimes I get paranoid, thinking that everyone hates me, even my friends...

Speaking of friends...
They weren't there when I needed them. And I'm not gonna forget that when they come back and need my help. :|

Talked too much again...I just needed to get it out.

Some dance to remember, Some dance to forget

So this is one lazy Saturday afternoon, and I've decided to study, but really, all I wanna do is to lay down. I'm not exactly sick anymore (I still cough a lot and I'm still weak but at least no more fever! :P) but the energy level is very low today. The exams are gonna start on Tuesday...and frankly, I'm scared of maths more than anything. I love everything else.

I guess I'm over it, the last post was stupid. But this blog is a place for me to be stupid so I'm not gonna delete it.  Well honestly I still get the shakes when I see his name, but at least I can control myself...and even accidentally meeting him on Wednesday wasn't as bad I thought it would be. Yeah, I'm over it :) There's just one thing, I really should stop listening to Love The Way You Lie, Airplanes and Nothin' On You for a while. Too much memories.

So the only thing bothering me right now is Shannon,studying, and my backache. The rest of the sky is clear! :P

I hate it when she gets stuff seriously and becomes a really disgusting drama queen. She needs to chill. But other than that I still love her, she's my best friend xD Time will make her better.

P.S: Experience! I was way more disgusting than her in my own days! :P
P.S 2: Aleksander's pre-exam party was cool :) He's an awesome host. And a more awesome friend.

Space bound

I do hate you. A lot. For all the emptiness I see in my eyes, for all the tears I've cried, for the way you make me feel - make me ashamed of myself and who I am. I don't care if hate is a strong word, I hate you, and it all changed so easily, like you did. I cared for you, I loved you. But you were too busy counting the stars, never saw the one person who truly loved you for who you are. Of course, everyone wants you NOW, but I wanted you before that. I saw the real you there and I decided to fall in love with that person. You just broke me...broke everything. Now all those girls want to be with you because of what have you become...and you feel like you've suddenly become popular...hot...wanted...but believe me they will leave you as soon as you lose your title. And I'm sorry...but when that day comes it'll be too late for me. 

Just promise me you'll think of me everytime you'll look up in the sky and see a star. 

Happy November! :-j

Writing is an awesome thing, especially when you're terribly sick and can't really talk because of a severe sore throat. Fever, body ache and now this morning, an earache. I feel very weak. And I don't like it.

So, where should I start? FOUNDER'S DAY! It was a cool day. Loved to be the center of attention, thanks to my pretty blue dress. There wasn't a single head that wouldn't turn to me when I walked into a crowd. And I had to say thank you for more than fifty times that day, totally cool. And when it ended I changed back to jeans and went shopping with Anita, and we really shopped till we dropped.

And then on Saturday went to Hamza's house to see her newborn baby brother! OMG he was so TINY! And then the birthday party after that. The dancing party was great. I'm not sure about the rest...
Seriously, I'm not gonna drink anymore. I don't like the person I become after drinking. And I don't like this new social me, maybe I was better off being a quiet nerd sitting in a corner and reading books in a huge party. I should go back to that. I NEED to go back to who I was. Dammit, you RUINED my life. :|

And I'm gonna stop going out until the exams are over...and when I do, I'm gonna wear long sleeved shirts, and I'm gonna act like a lady. I'm sick and tired of this new racy slutty girl. :| Capricorn much? Get outta my head you restless Aquarius! :P

I've discovered that I'm a brave person. And it's really a good thing... I'm not afraid of the things people usually are afraid of.

I'VE BEEN SICK FOR MORE THAN THREE DAYS AND IT DOESN'T SEEM TO GET ANY BETTER! :(
I missed school today but I can't miss tomorrow too, exams are too close. The last day of school (before exams) is November 4th, and today is November 1st. Gaaaaah.

It's just a thought, only a thought

So I'm really not trying that hard anymore, but even if I tried it wouldn't work. There's this really tall guy in Tulip that sounds EXACTLY like him. I'm not saying that it's close to his voice or tone or something, THEY HAVE THE EXACT SAME VOICE!!!! It's so freaking weird! Whenever I walk pass that guy (Which happens a lot since he's in year 10 too) I can't help but turn around to make sure it's not HIM. It's really weird...And I'm really sensitive to voices. I can fall in love with someone's voice.

I don't think I was being stupid in the last post, I still understand and I still feel like that. But since writing it I've just seen too many great moments, in which I was shouting to myself HEY! ISN'T LIFE AMAZING? Isn't it worth fighting for? Isn't every breath that you CAN take wonderful? It's pure joy. Living. The power to be powerful. The power to be able to change things around you. The joy of 'being there'. I probably sound like I'm crazy but these are the moments that make me stick to life. Tightly.

My goals and dreams...they are right there, shining :) I'm gonna have them. I know.

I've loved writing since I was really young, but these days I'm taking it more seriously. I love expressing myself in words. And really, the way everyone reacts to my writings...it makes me to be hopeful. Like I actually have the talent.

Another thing that makes me be brighter these days is dancing. I just turn the volume really high, and then there's nothing else but me and music. I jump and I dance and I sing, and every move is a wonderful experience. And I pretend that I'm on this stage with the huge crowd, and it's me everywhere. Someday, someday...

I've always experienced weird stuff. It's like, when I think about something, it happens. When I suddenly remember some old friend, that friend somehow connects me again. When something's on my mind, it'll suddenly be everywhere. And I feel things before they happen. I do believe in this.

So this summer, I decided to really try them by intention, not just because I was randomly thinking about something. So I visualised the things I wanted, I started by simple things. First, I wanted to keep a cat of my own in my house (I know it sounds lame but I love animals, been living with my cat since I can remember, but she's not here now...) but I know my mom wouldn't ever let me. Then, I wished to have the guy I had a crush on for a loooooooong time. And at last, to perform in school.

So this is what happened in less than a month later. I was hearing the sound of some kittens at night just outside my house, but whenever I went to see what's it there wasn't anything. One day, my friend came to me with this very cute black and white kitten, saying she's found it there, and since she knew I love cats wanted me to keep it. To my surprise my mom agreed, and then I had my wish literally in my hands.

School started, and in a few days my crush started to notice me. I really don't have any idea what happened, cause everything was very fast. We started hanging out, and I really can't say more since this blog is public but we had the sparks :) Knowing it is great when you know he didn't know I EXISTED before that.

Still in the first weeks of school, they started organizing performances for Hari Raya, and I was chosen to sing. To PERFORM IN SCHOOL.

So, I had my three wished in less than a month. Or so it seemed.

I lost the cat. After a few weeks my mom started complaining, and it was making a lot of noise and trouble and bothered her. So I had to give it to that friend of mine to keep, and she just released it a few days ago too cause she couldn't keep it. Ana Lucia is gone now.

I lost that boy. Everything happened very fast. We had this grand attraction, spending every single chance we could get to be together in school, and things that I couldn't imagine to happen. But he couldn't make up his mind if he really wants to be with me or not. We stopped hanging out. I'm trying to move on now.

I lost my chance to perform. The performances got postponed twice and eventually was cancelled.

So, I had my three wishes gone in less than...two weeks. It seems like that for sure.

What I'm saying is that maybe I shouldn't have forced these things to happen even if I wanted them. Maybe things really happen for a reason, maybe they were not meant to be. That guy probably can't understand how the hell this happened...lol. It was C.R.A.Z.Y.

Sorry this was too long. Told you I love writing...

So after a year and six months, it's no longer me that you want but I...

I feel like I've completely lost all of my hopes, dreams, goals, things that I've planned...it's like I don't want to try anymore, I don't wanna care, I don't wanna know what will happen to others if I do it. I'm numb...I was always sure that no matter what happens I'll never ever be able to end this, I can never kill myself, because I was too in love with life. I knew that even when it seems like the world has ended and there's no way to fix things, there's ALWAYS a way. And anyway, I couldn't be selfish. There are some people who may not show it now but they care about me, and their lives will be ruined. My family. My parents...So it was never an 'option' for me.

But now...I just don't want to care about all of these. I just wanna 'disappear'. To 'disconnect' from the world for a while, at least. Then all the goals I want to reach come into my head, all my dreams, what I will be, what I can be, everything that I have planned for. But they're not enough anymore. So what that I wanted to change the world, so what if I wanted to be this...SO WHAT, SO WHAT. Just let me go. And so what that I'll hurt them...I won't be here to watch the pain, so what?

I'm being very selfish.

And then, if I go, you'll realize the chances we wasted, the times we could have had...

We touch, I feel a ruSh

Just woke up with a terrible headache, and I'm still numb. That's what always happens when I have too many dreams in one night :P But I remember this clear dream that I had, we were talking I guess, and I was feeling bad, really really very bad so while he was talking about his reasons why we can't be, I just threw myself in his arms crying, really needing it. And then he was very uncomfortable, saying something like "If I'm talking to you it doesn't mean that I like you, you shouldn't be doing this." And it was awful, can't describe how bad. Besides that  I remember one more dream too, I was at 'her' house but she was avoiding me too, just like she does in school. I was there to say I'm sorry and make up for everything, but she didn't want to see me.
MY HEAD IS REALLY ACHING, IT FEELS LIKE IT'S EXPLODING.

My dreams affect me strongly. No idea why. Maybe because they always feel real. Maybe because I get a lot of answers while I'm dreaming, it's like my brain just gives me the answers of what I've been thinking about all this time, when I'm not conscious. And last night's wasn't good.

P.S: Can't stop listening to Space Bound, damn you for suggesting it. It pains me more to listen to it...the lyrics just tell our story. :|

Let's run away and don't ever look back...

Today was boring. But still a good one :D I was a bit stressed out for Human Bio test but it turned out okay...I guess. Sometimes I wonder what the hell was I thinking when I chose it :-S I thought I could handle it...well I still can, it's gonna be a lot harder than other subjects, that's it.

Tomorrow's gonna be an awesome day! I don't know why I feel like that, it's just there =] Even though we have biology and ICT test...ugh.

Saw my mom in school today, but then she went to KLCC with her friend and I continued waiting for Shannon until 3 because she got detention. And by the way, if you're reading this Shanz, WHY DO YOU GET PISSED EASILY OVER STUPID THINGS? It's not good. Nah. Drama much?

Mr.Badaoui is our class teacher now...he's kinda cool, but very firm at the same time. The best thing about him is that he doesn't treat us like kids...he treats us like young adults. Well that's because he's not that old yet...so he understands :P

I'm not gonna write about THAT anymore. And today, all of a sudden, I got so blue in the class. I was close to crying, but then I got mad at myself...and I made a deal. I'M NEVER GONNA SHED ANOTHER TEAR FOR HIM ANYMORE. I promised myself :) So then I just tried to smile and shake it off...kinda worked I guess. Hmmm. I feel like I'm in control of myself. Finally. :)

So...now I'm home alone...hungry...sleepy...happy...and watching Mamma Mia! :P
I love the way they suddenly burst out singing ABBA's songs. And Amanda Seyfried is soooo PRETTY! <3

Looking forward to tomorrow! =]

imma get your heart racin' :)

ASSESSMENT WEEK! It's just assessments but I can't help noticing the actual exams are only two weeks away. :-/ Chemistry was okay today, because I woke up at 2 in the morning and studied until 5! :P I love those hours. Everyone's sleeping, everything's quiet, and I have the house all to myself. But tomorrow I have Human Biology test...and it's a lot harder and heavier so I should study NOW...Pfffff. Sleepy head...

Today, we had the English assessment, and we could choose between three options for a story. I went with the first one, it was about the chances you could take but you didn't. I wrote my story, it wasn't from my point of view...I think I did a good job. It didn't sound silly. And the teacher agrees :P She thinks I'm too good in writing for my age. Probably thinks I rip off my homework from the internet.

Isn't it another awesome day? Haircuts really help see things differently :P And I'm not just talking about the one I got yesterday. :-"""" hihi.

They changed our class AGAIN. I think it was the fourth time...they want us to be closer to staff room so they could handle us better...but they don't know it's not gonna help lol. But honestly, I love my class. We're really like a family. And...I discovered something else about myself. I'm a good leader. People LISTEN to me. And well...I like that...hehe. It feels right. I don't mind responsibilities, I don't mind working hard...a typical Capricorn! xD

Hmmm...what else...I'm trying to write more to avoid studying hehe...
Oh! Aleksander's party! It's gonna be epic. :)

P.S: Katy Perry is so effing hot! o.O <3

Time flieeeeeeSssss

There's something about my face that has changed, I've no idea what it is, but everyone keep telling me that. I guess the way I feel really shows in my face, like for real. It's kinda cool. :)

And since I'm happy and peaceful, my face is literally shining these days :P I feel good. I CAN feel good.

That Monday was two weeks ago, but it feels like two years, SO faaaar that I can't actually believe it happened. Everything happened so fast, the way he changed was so fast, that now I really doubt we are anything but strangers to each other. I don't care...anymore. I'm used, but I learned my lesson. And it cost me all of my friends. :|

But I'm gonna be strong again...you just wait and see!

It's still so weird. It's like I need proof to remind me that it was REAL.

Life is in flash forward...term exams in three weeks! o.O and then one month holiday...and probably Iran...and then my birthday, Persian new year, final exams and whoa, summer again, year 11...And then flash forward again. And then my life's over :P

Now that I look back, I was nothing special to you. I'm glad I realized it soon enough...cause I could never be able to let go without knowing it.

I know a place where the grass is really greener...

It's a peaceful Sunday afternoon, I'm raping the delicious peanut butter and listening to the sound of heavy rain outside.
I'm feeling great...a lot better. I don't know what happened, it's like it happened very fast and ended very fast. It's like the past two weeks were not real. Well, there aren't real anymore. Cause I decided to forget them.

I'm looking forward to lots of great things which make me feel excited by just thinking about them now! It's gonna be AMAZING. =)

And...I don't want to go back to Iran...there's nothing left for me there. But since I'm the youngest and since I'm always the one whose wants are overlooked, they're gonna go back and I have to follow them. What I really want is one great month being on my own, sort things out, and see if I can survive without my mom. Seriously, I'm not a child anymore, they should start letting me go. I can't stick to my parents for the rest of my life...

Anyway, maybe it's good to leave here for a while. Maybe not. I don't know.

STAY THE HELL WITH ME.

I feel like he's avoiding me, and I know what I've done was stupid...but I don't wanna lose him as a friend. I'll back off. Just stay there. Never ever think of leaving...! =]

Today I felt beautiful. There was something about my eyes, the peace and happiness I felt reflected so deep in them. They were really shining...

It's like I'm torn, there's this happy carefree girl who's in love with life, tries her best to help others and loves her friends...the girl that nothing can seem to be able to upset her. The one that just randomly dances and jumps and sings and hugs people... The one that makes everyone happy by just being there. The one that I like the most. The one that's strong around you. The one that never gets nervous when she sees you, the one that you love...

But there's the other part, the sad and depressed girl that is always quite and there's always something serious and cold about her. The one that cries every night, the one that dies when she sees you. The one who can't stand those around you, the one that hates her enemies, the one without a heart, the one you hate to be around.

I just think that today was the awesome one's day. :) And she really shined like a star.

P.S: English was okay, no need to skip. It's weekend...but assessments start on Monday, and believe me I'm ready to rock! xD

The Whole World Stops And Stares For A While

Today was a very good one. =)
For the first time in a...long time...well actually, for the first time ever!, my eyes weren't searching for him all day. For once, I didn't feel like I miss him that much. For once, I didn't feel my heart racing and my face getting hot when I saw him and talked to him. For once...for the first time ever. :)

And I'll just try to forget anything that has happened in the past two weeks. THAT never happened. I'll make sure it never did...

I'm just trying to take care of myself and put a great cover on. It doesn't mean anything's changed deep inside.

P.S: Planning to skip English period tomorrow, that teacher is a monster. Any suggestions? Mine includes hiding in the toilet for one hour and reading my book. Hehe...

A New DawN

No school for two days, and it's because I'm sick, but actually I'm glad that I haven't seen people for a while. I'm KINDA hiding from them, and I think I needed this time...I don't know what I'm gonna do tomorrow, and how to face them :-s

But...I'll just be me...strong...and trying to have fun...and jump and dance in class like a mad girl as usual :P
It's a lot easier when I don't give a damn about what those crappy bitches think. :|

Tomorrow's another day...?!
Ahhh, how I adore Scarlett and how she managed to survive.

Sometimes I'm gonna have to loSe

I'm gonna survive this, but it's gonna be real hard.
It's like, I have to REBUILD myself.
Hmmm...should start focusing on the more important stuff that I've forgotten for a while because of HIM. :|

It's hard...it's...hard...

I think I thought I saw you try...?

So my mom JUST caught me cryin in my room. Now she keeps asking me what's happened every five minutes. It sucks.
And you know what...my tears ain't precious...they're there for every fucking stupid thing and person...I'm ashamed.
BUT THAT'S JUST HOW IT'S ALWAYS GONNA BE.

crAp

I feel like a piece of trash, used and now thrown out...
I'm sick of being denied.
You can't just be like that when nobody's around and act like you don't know me in public.
It's either yes or no...
I'M TIRED OF GAMES.

Toxic

So, I finally went with the dangerous one. And it was worth every bit of it, even though it can still be nothing at any moment. But that's where I belong...

Was yesterday even real?

I REALLY don't think so... :P

I don't know what happened.

P.S: Now I'm havin a hard time, feeling guilty for the stable goody thing that's still there for me...

You're dangerous...and I'm lovin' it

What would you do, if you had two very different roads to choose...?

The first one is a solid, stable thing, which is always there no matter what...

The other one is something that looks charming, you're attracted to it like hell, but there's no guarantee, there's nothing...it can be just nothing.

Which one would you choose?

The one that's not really gonna make you happy but is always there...or the one you truly love but can't know for sure you'll have?

I'm so freaking confused.

But I know what I'm gonna decide...know myself more than enough.

PEACE

I just wish that I could live in yesterday forever.

And by yesterday, I really mean YESTERDAY, 24 hours ago I finally felt like myself. I didn't pretend, I didn't fake a thing...

But oh well, then again, I hurt myself last night, yelling at myself, it was craaaazzzzzyyyyy.

I don't care what happens next. I'm just glad I finally took it out. It doesn't matter what will happen! :D

P.S: Today was fun. Rain in the morning so no activities...lol =p

Never belonged to your world.

Tell them what I hoped would be impossible. :|

ImposSible

Grrrr...first of all I hate to be so emo here. But that's the only place I can be like this, I promise. I'm nothing like that in the...real world...I guess. Anywayz, forgive me if you want. And I'm sorry if this is some kind of girly crap.

So I cried today, a lot, when I was sitting with Kiarash. I didn't want him to see that but I just really needed to...it was the worst feeling ever. He said everything's gonna be okay, and said things that were nice but I know they're never true...it's crazy. But still, he's my best friend, the only one that understands. I really had no one else to turn to so I went to him, and while waiting I saw THEM. Not a good thing.

But here I am, survived. Almost.

Tears really help I gueSs

DEMONS

I'm SUCH a stalker, I'm such an easy girl, And I always ruin everything...

And I always end up left alone, and so far nobody's found me good enough to love.

I'm in a huge fight with my mom and best friend, everything's going wrong,

And life SUCKS,

BIG TIME.

I don't even have a friend to ask me what's going on, what's wrong with me, and just tell me everything's gonna be okay even though we both know it's a lie...

I'm jealous, cold, depressed, a drama queen...

And at this moment, I HATE MYSELF.

Taking ChanceS?

I want to tell him, but I know it'll ruin everything.

Sigh...

Such a lonely day...and it's miNe

Today was blank.

Blurry.

Sad.

Lonely...

I can REALLY use a wish right now

It's hard to believe how fast things can change, how fast things DID change, in just a few days. My life it's just so different now, and it all happened in less than two weeks. I can't describe it...it's just that, everything looks so far away! Like I'm not here. Like it's not me, doing all these things, saying all these things, it's just not like me!

Today was supposed to be great,amazing,brilliant,super,extraordinary...

And then just 10 minutes before the meeting she called and canceled it, without a reason why, and I'm wondering why I'm not mad at her yet, why am I not devastated, why...was I so calm? She basically RUINED everything without even saying a simple 'sorry' , and then she snapped at me for asking why. WHY THE HECK I DIDN'T FIGHT WITH HER?

Maybe, maybe maybe maybe it was better for us, maybe it wouldn't be the day I wanted. Sigh...I don't know. I just can't be mad at her. Sure, I'm gonna be a lil cold to her for the next few days, but I know I'll forget. I just can't stay mad at her.

Anyway...

It's just so weird to me, the way she acts...

But I had fun today :) Maybe that was the amazing thing about today. Simply having a good time and well...I was CLOSE to him today :-" :P

Stop being so attractive, you're distracting me! :P

OMG I'm too tired to type...today was so freaking fun! After staying back for almost two hours after school and almost doing nothing (Cuz the music teacher was so bitchy! She didn't let us practice in music room! :-L ) I went home, dressed up, and went to Yassi's house to surprise her for her birthday which is today...I was waiting by the pool when I suddenly realized that the guys in the basketball court actually look familiar...and wow, they were all sayfol guys, shirtless! OMG OMG we laughed so hard at theM :D Toooooo sad we didn't have a camera! :(

Then we jumped in the swimming pool and had funnnnn till it was too dark to see. Actually she has a party tomorrow xD

No school tomorrow haha. Nava's going back to Iran and I have to be with her :( It's just...too soon...Meh.

I miss Iran. It's getting cold there...I want to be there :(

Got a headache...I think I've a cold. By the way, life's still amazing :) !

Just gonna stand there and watch me burn...

Today was a good one. TWO FREE PERIODS! xD But then again, the English part was bad, and Ms.Joyce wasn't in a good mood. :-/ meh. Anywayz I had fun listening to music for the whole two hours :D

Something about me has changed, and I'm really trying hard to know what is it...It's a good thing, but still!

DO I NEED TO REPEAT THAT I'M SO DAMN NERVOUS FOR THE PERFORMANCE THING? :-SS

Nah.

I'm seriously dying. LOL.

See?! I'm updating this...daily... :-"

Start Of Something New?!

Okay, I know I'm soooo lazy! Haven't updated this poor thing for eight months. I know, I know...I'm just too busy. And I just have too many places to write :P

So, where do I start? A LOT has happened in these eight months. Guess I'll just try to update this more often, even daily maybe?! Haha. I don't know. I wish!

I THINK I'm gonna sing in front of the whole school next Monday, for the Hari Raia performance. I'm SO damn nervous, and whenever I think of it I just wanna throw up. The bad part is that, the song which I'm supposed to sing is not my favorite, and I'm not cool with it. I really really really wish it was Kelly Clarkson's Because Of You! I've sang this for five freaking years and I'm PRO. But Leona Lewis' I Will Be?! It's not my type. Anywayz...I just hope that I won't screw it up. The whole school...OMFG. Sometimes I just wanna step back...but I know that's the only way I can start. Complicated, eh?

I'm loving the school life. Last year, I was new and didn't know many people, I was shy, I didn't know how to behave in a new place. But now here I am, I've got lots of friends, I'm social (well...at least a bit more:P) I smile, I talk loudly, I volunteer for things, I'm always there. I love everything. My class this year is waaay cooler than last year's, at least there are no mean girls. Yet. I love my friends :)

And oh well...as usual...I have a crush :) That makes school fun too :P He's...cute...I think about him everyday. Haizzzz...

BUT I'm too scared to do the first move, what if he doesn't like me back?! I don't wanna risk...

Gonna go to bed now, got tuition tomorrow :( It's 23:50.

I love life :)

P.S: Vampire Diaries is baaack! The first episode was mind blowing. Poor Damon...!!

Possibility

Insomnia. Well not exactly, I sleep at 6 p.m and wake up at 2 a.m.

It's Sunday now, meaning that we should come back to school tomorrow after one month. :-/

I was worried, but now everything seems suddenly fine. What was I worried about? Many things: My pimples on my face aren't getting any better, I'm getting fat because I don't exercise and I didn't watch my eating when I was in Iran, I 'had to' wear glasses and they make me ugly, my eyebrows 'were' thick and it made me ugly too, and I had skin allergy and well I know I've made enemies in school during these three months.

So, what happened?

I feel good. I started hitting gym again and I plan to continue, even though I'm not gonna put myself under pressure by being crazy again about what I eat, I'll eat normal but I'll also exercise. I do it because it makes me feel good (and secretly I say, it helps the pimples, really! :D) and well I know it will eventually make me fit.

Anyway is always a way to disappear the pimples for a while, right? ;)

I got contact lenses yesterday. It's easier than I thought and I don't have to wear glasses in school anymore, that feels SO good! And oh I plugged my brows, they are nice now, I can kinda say I'm pretty :) My skin allergy also seemed to have vanished. I'm planning to be good to those girls, and even an apology maybe. And oh well, Sarveena chatted with me in Facebook, she's so nice! I'm gonna ask her advice if necessary.

The only problem left is cleaning my room :p and...MATHS :|

Dammit!

It's 5:38 a.m.

p.s: New Moon soundtrack is good! :)