and in the morning I'll be with you, but it will be a different kind...

Today, 27th April 2012 was the last day of school for us. It's hard to believe that we won't have a school day ever again. We're like birds that've been in a cage for so long, and when they finally open the door and let us out we're too dazzled to go, we still can't believe it :D

Time's flying these days...I can't believe the scary IGCSE exams are only 10 days away. Then it's Graduation in June and college in July...it's all just too fast.

p.s: my last day of school was Monday! :P I had my closure. It was surreal.

Now she's just somebody that you used to know...

I'm not alright.
So, I've been feeling a bit funny and weird for the last couple of days but I blamed it on my messed up immunity system and anticipated another cold that was about to bring me down for a week. But it got scary. Last night my gums bled and I found a huge purple swellen point on my skin. I didn't care much obviously. But this morning as I woke up to catch my ICT extra class I felt weird. I know something was up but I just thought it's the pain of waking up at 7 a.m during holidays and it'll go away...I went back home and fell asleep for a few hours, when I woke up I felt dizzy, breathing heavily with this ache all over my body. My head was about to explode and my eyes hurt. So I thought it's flu instead of a cold! Yay.

My fever wasn't so high but then it got worse even though I'd took pills to cut it down. After a few hours I know I was burning with an awful fever, and when it got to the point that I fell down hard while I was trying to get up, and I had a drugged-like confusion and lights flashing and couldn't even lift a hand I decided I really have to see a doctor. Right away. At 11 p.m.

So here I am, back from the visit. 39 degrees fever, the doctor said I might be infected with Dengue (Look it up, it's pretty serious.) and if the pills he'd give me don't cut down the fever tomorrow I should go for a blood test immediately.

I'm scared. I've been damn sick many times before but this time is different, I've never been in this much of pain, I was never THIS weak. And somehow I know the pills aren't gonna work.

So my point is, I know I'm probably overreacting but I just realised how fragile we really are. How fragile LIFE is. How you can be perfectly healthy and hanging out with your friends and the other day you'll be dead, lying cold in the ground. How minor things can get serious. How I still have a lot do with my life, how I should tell the people in my life certain things before I go. How they should know that I love them and even though things were messed up sometimes I truly care for them and appreciate them.

I've always thought, I'm gonna start writing something REALLY long one day. And that thing is gonna be my honest words with every single person I've met in my life, even the ones that weren't that important or close. But now, staring at death in the eye makes me realise how little time I have for that. I should have started way earlier and completed it little by little as I met new people.

I'll be waiting for tomorrow, and I'll probably survive, but I look at life differently now. And if I will, I'll start that long thing soon :) You never know when it's gonna hit you.

17

Last hours of being seventeen.
I'm usually eager to move on and get 'older' soon but I guess this is the point of my life that I don't wish to age anymore.
Seventeen was the perfect one, not too young and not too old. Something heavenly between these two. And now I'm officially gonna leave teenagehood behind...it feels weird. So this is it. This is who I'm gonna be for the rest of my life. My transformation from a little girl to a young woman is finally complete. :)
Took me so many years and it was full of good and bad times, but I FINALLY made it. This is gonna be a new phase.
So how did I spend the last day of being a seventeen years old teenager? Treated myself to an awesome manicure at the spa :D it's so awesome. It's amazing how little things can make you feel a whole lot better.

My apologies for not writing here for so long...I was just being busy and lazy and afraid of everything happening and figuring out a way to explain them here.

Anyway, I'm not sure how am I feeling. I just know that when I'll look back to January 19th 2012 I'll have something about this thing that's happening now :D It's kind of like capturing a moment in time. A memory freak as I am, that should not surprise many of you...

the new era

It's been long since the last time I wrote in here and I didn't intend that, actually I wanted to update it as frequently as I could specially in the last week when things began to change but oh well - here I am now :D

So I landed in KL Monday morning and went to school the following day. They've made a lot of changes, there are trees and flowers and benches and a fountain, the football field looks awesome now, and the dining hall and the classes too. We even have a 'Paris street' :D with pink chairs and little tables and flowers. I like it.

Year 11 is very different. We're the seniors of school and it feels really weird :D It's a very important year for us. All of our past year teachers are changed and the senior ones teach us now. They're all investing in us. And we're all studying like NNNNEEERRRDDSSSS even though it was just the first week of school. It was the first week of school to THEM :D for us it's just continuing the year 10, knowing exams are just two months away. It makes anyone to be in the exam mood from now on lol.

I've changed. Actually, I'm back to that nerd that I used to be all my life except for last year when I let things fall off the way, and although it was a bad experience, it let me find my way. There are just not enough words to explain how peaceful and happy I am these days. Things that used to bother me before are just blocked now whenever they try to get near me, it's like something amazing is protecting me. I've forgiven the people who've hurt me before and there's just no hate, no worries, no black thoughts inside of me. It seriously feels amazing. :)

And he, he is always there, and this time I'm not even sure if we'll eventually break up lol. With the past relationships I always knew no matter how perfect it seems we'll go separate ways SOME DAY, maybe after a few months or a year and half, but it'd always happen. This time, I'm not sure at all. In fact, the chances of staying together f o r e v e r are really high now even though it sounds really cheesy.

Straightened my hair yesterday xD It's good. And yesterday I went out without wearing school uniform for the first time, and two guys just walked up to me (not at the same time of course!) tellin me they think I'm really pretty, and asked for my number lol. One of them was shopping and when he saw me walkin down the stairs he just ran after me all the way to Starbucks near the KLCC park. Of course I told them I'm not single, but I appreciate it, and we can hang out in groups later for sure. Everything is so new to me. I don't feel like a teenager anymore. I feel, and look like, a young lady. Eighteenth birthday is near. I feel the changes in me. :)

I sleep early, I wake up early, I study hard, I pay attention in class and don't go day dreaming. I actually do my homework and projects and assignments and don't try to skip it. And I'm a prefect now. I don't use my laptop everyday. Just two days a week o.O And when I do I just check my email lol. Facebook is not interesting anymore. Even in the weekend I enjoy cleaning my room and organizing it and studying more than being online even though I have time for it on Saturdays and Sundays. They say changes don't come over night but I guess for me it happened in a short time. Or maybe those horrible two months affected it. I have no idea. I'm just glad to be happy and have a genuine smile on my face.

savin' me

When I'll look back at my posts here, it's because I wanna know how was I doin in that period of time. Well, for the past week everything's been alright, and dare I say more than alright. It was going great until the stupid atopic eczema (that I'm dealing with since age two...) came back and it attacked harder, this time on my face and my eyes. It sucks. I've always said I love life too much to end it but I really understand how dark a depression caused by this can be, well at least now I'm not all alone in my room in KL but when that'll happen, I understand how ending your own life seems like a very pleasant option compared to what my body goes through, it's like how I prefer the pain to the itch. And no I'm not making a big deal out of a chronic disease..it'll always be 'why me?!' and it has no cure and I'm just so sick and tired of it. Oh well...

But apart from that, I've had a pretty good week, maybe the best one since I came here. Hell yea it's because my dad is back :-j when he lost his faith in me I lost it in mine too. Now that he believes in me again I gained it back as well. It's like the future shines so bright, it's like I can do whatever I desire. It's like I'm powerful. It's like I have a plan for my life again and this gives me a reason to wake up with a passion everyday. I'm just so different from that disappointing girl I've had become in these past months. Don't know if it makes sense lol.

Two weeks from now school starts for the last time. I know I'll miss it, I already do. I'm probably the only one who can't sleep the night before because she's too excited all her life, since I started school. Probably the only one who misses school because of the subjects and the teachers and the rules and not friends. I know I'm so gonna miss that. And this will be the last first day of school.

After that, I've a lot of plans. But one thing for sure is that I'll leave Malaysia, just because of its weather...I really can't stand it anymore. When I'm away from the humid hot weather I realize the difference. I'll probably go somewhere real cold :D I like Canada. I won't even have to learn Norwegian and well a lot of my cousins are there lol.

I know I won't miss leaving Tehran this time.

p.s: havin a series of nightmares this week. dunno what the hell's wrong with my head...

to make my demons run

It's finally getting better! And I'm so damn sure that it's because the days that I have to count are shrinking :)
20 more days or so and it doesn't seem long at all compared to this 40 days I've been through. My dad and bro will be here in a few hours and I'm kinda excited.

Yesterday I went out, taste of freedom was awesome :P

I've no reason to be so hyper and happy but I am :D
Even though we had this stupid argument last night.
Can't bring me down xD

p.s: Metallica's awesome.

The door is closed, so are your eyes

What I really want these days is one peaceful night when I can actually fall asleep earlier than six in the morning, and be awake in those awesome morning hours. But everything's messed up and so is my sleeping habits these days. These weeks. This freaking month.

So obsessed with Metallica's The Unforgiven II! o.O It's one of those tracks that can make you enjoy music like a drug, and well the minute I heard the chorus again it just reminded me of some blur moments when I was way younger and my dad put it on. I'm really thankful about this kind of stuff...he made me get used to awesome music since my very first years.

Seeing her again was good, reminded me that there are still a few people that I can be myself around them, without pretending to be anything else, and be accepted just the way I am. It was like all those months had never happened. There are just some people in your life that no matter how much you try to hate them or erase them from your life, they just won't go or you just can't stop loving them. And it's not even in your control :D

Sepeher is really leaving for good...I know he's gonna have a hell of a fun living in U.S.A but still, he was one of the very first few friends that I made in school, like two years ago now. He was the first person I could actually trust in that hell, and one of the few mature boys who aren't shallow or stupid or disgusting. I'm gonna miss him so much. And the most stupid part is the fact that, for the rest of my life, the last time I saw him will be the last final exam (FREAKING CHEMISTRY!) after they changed his seat for joking with me in the exam hall xD I didn't know it's gonna be the last time. I had no idea. :| I didn't know I'd get too busy to see him again and I didn't know that my two months stay in Iran will make me miss the chance for a real goodbye.

Yet another reason for me to hate being in this black place.

p.s: it's tomorrow. I still feel like I could pass without seeing them. I saw the people that mattered to me and I wanted to actually see already. Don't need to fake some more smiles..

I Used To Be Someone Happy

Have to admit that things are a bit better, lol. Still feels like wasting my time but now I try to enjoy it instead of thinking about things that I could do if I was back in KL. I try to see this awful summer as an awesome holiday...at least I sleep for loooong hours to make up for all that school days that I had to wake up at five something in the morning.

Coming back here used to be magical, but it isn't anymore. Maybe I should really stop coming back every six months or so :D I've never experienced not being here for one whole year. The longest was eight months and lmao that's awful! I should try to not come back for a while. One year or two years or maybe more?! I dunno. I'll be older then. I can decide things. [I'LL BE AN ADULT!:))))] finally.

So today, after three years I could finally came back to the house I grew up in. The new people were nice, I liked them a lot. My old room now belongs to a ten years old girl. The yard is still full of kittens :) It still felt like home, it still reminded me of too many memories. Every corner I looked at made some ghost like younger versions of me appear there, just like it's still back then, like in the movies :D It was sad.. then I saw a fourteen years old me talking on the phone for hours with him, I saw a ten years old me having a silly birthday party, I saw the eight years old me reading Harry Potter books for the first time on that old rocky chair, and I saw a twelve years old me adoring Backstreet Boys :D It was so weird. Like it wasn't my home anymore but it still felt like it was. Ugh I should stop writing about stupid stuff.

I know I'm getting paranoid, but what if the distance (for yet ANOTHER month :| ) drifts us apart?
I know it's stupid. But all day long, I keep thinking about him, and I wonder if he does too. I wonder if he suffers as much. I wonder if it's that important to him or not. Sometimes I just wish he'd read this blog so I didn't have to explain why am I acting this way, but then again there are just too many honest stuff here for him to read :D

Pretty sure my parents read it too. Scary huh? Maybe they're not.
P.S: It's on Wednesday but I'm not even sure if I wanna see them anymore...

a home full of strangers...

So many bad things happening at the same time and when it happens, everything goes outta my control and it gets messy and I'll be confused...so imma sort them out here to see what the hell's exactly wrong. It could be just my usual summer depression (happens every single year in August) but I have pretty good reasons as well...

I'm mad and sad and scared at the same time and feeling like this life sucks more than ever.
I'm really sorry to say this but I hate every single moment of being here and I still have ONE MORE MONTH to go and it just seems like a nightmare. What hurts more than having my basic freedom taken away from me here is little by little understanding the fact that your friends just don't give a shit about you, when I was sooo excited just to see them once more and I also wrote that here that I think of them everyday and I miss all of them. It really sucks.

And my best friend for so many years seems to have replaced me with one of my friends, they go out without me and they don't tell me anything, they do everything together and I'm not included anymore and it just hurts but I just have to accept that friendships aren't forever. You get close to someone and everything's great, you feel like you can't live one more day without talking to them anymore, you feel like they understand you without trying and well, you understand them too. It's so natural and comfortable and BOOM! something happens or sometimes it doesn't and you just fall apart without even actually saying goodbye. For some people the honeymoon period is longer and for some shorter, but it will eventually happen...I really wish it didn't. I tried to not believe it. But it's happened too many time to me and each time it's getting harder to ignore this one bitter rule of friendship.

After a few years of struggling to have a normal friendship with an ex he came back again, wanting me back...and I knew that I didn't have to think about it to say no. I'm not that kind of girl to cheat when her guy's not around. But then he handled it badly, and I guess all that effort for a after-break up - friendship were for nothing now and it's gone. And it bothers me. It wasn't my choice.

I have nothing to do here...I wanna go back. Back in KL my friends are planning a trip to Genting, Pascale is all alone there as well, we could have chilled...and Shannon will be back by 16th, and Alex too, and just all the good stuff will be in August. It doesn't matter that I missed watching HP7 in 3D anymore. :D There are greater stuff. There is one whole month that I could use to be with the people I love and the people who love me back, not being stuck in a super hot and sad country full of people that hate me but I thought they'd want to see me after all. I feel like being wasted away here. They don't even realize it but after being outta it for a while I realize how even breathing in here for a few weeks will make you indifferent to everything...you hear bad new, worse each day, and you just can't feel anything anymore. People are numb here.

I used to love coming back, but now it's all so different. Maybe you really shouldn't try to replan doing all the good things that's happened before unplanned, it just can't work out. My life, my room is in Malaysia now. My 'friends', my school, things that I care for..everything important in my life is there. There's a heavy hatred flowing in here.

Now all that said, I just should point the fact out that I'm not hating my country or trying to say that I'm sooo different and cool and khareji and blah blah blah, it's just that I don't belong here anymore. None us do, when we leave to live somewhere else, you can't really come back and try to relive your past life in Iran. I love my country, I really do, but it just doesn't have a place for me anymore.

nothingness

Day Four & Day Five

I feel like a prisoner. Mom really did take away my laptop (this is HER laptop now and I have limited time =/) I can't go out, I can't see my friends, I can't even listen to music or watch movies or even talk to him properly cause the freaking lines here suck. I'm stuck in the house all day and all I can do is reading books and I'm reading Love In The Times Of Cholera all over again..."Fifty years and nine months and four days!"

Summer always sucks, but it's worse in Tehran. I can see that storm of depression coming again and life gets meaningless when it does, and I just stare at the wall thinking how stupid everything is and how nobody understands and how I don't have anyone to talk to, and how I'd like to end this...my worst cycles of depression are in the summer. I just get so numb.

And I can't really eat, I've lost three kg since I got here last week =
I can feel that I'm sick, I know that. Whenever I try to eat I just feel like throwing up, so disgusted with any kind of food. Fruits are the only thing I can eat and my mom says that I have a cherry diet! Not true. She thinks I'm trying to have a crazy diet to get skinny or something.
Through this hell, he's the only one that can make me feel better. Or make my heart beat for real.
 
 
Day Six & Day Seven
 
It's been a week. I can't take it anymore. This is the last time I'll be freaking here and I'll just go away and never come back. I hate the people, I hate the place, I hate the bad news that is sooo normal for this people everyday. I hate the pain and I hate it when all the bad stuff in the world happen here. I hate the nothingness, I hate it when life loses its meaning here. Everything's covered in a gray haze and everybody's dead.

but you're still on my lonely mind.

Day 3

My dad got my report card today and he sent my mom an email saying how horrible I am and therefor she's making me to use my laptop one hour per day AND IT'S NOT FUCKING FAIR because I have improved and my marks are good and I've really worked hard for this but they don't see it. I really don't know what else they want me to do, I've studied my ass off and they're like, you didn't even try. And when I tell them that my marks are reaaaallllyyy good compared to other people they say I'm making excuses. They don't know that the effing system is different from Iran. I'm so fed up. I've done all I could do.

Finally we're going somewhere tonight. My uncle's. Just me and my mom. It's better than being stuck in the house though. At least I'll get some attention :D

p.s: it's been a week since the last time we went out and it already feels like a year. I'm seriously not gonna survive these two months :|

Ob-La-Di, Ob-La-Da

Day Two

It's boring as hell. I've been stuck in the house since I got here from airport and all I can do is surfing the net and reading boring books and sleeping and eating and washing the dishes and listening to old music. Texting and calling him is the only interesting thing here. Honestly this time I don't feel anything, I know this sounds bad and stupid and selfish but it's true. And I kinda miss my dad. And my cat, she's getting old and my allergic reactions to cats is getting worse each time so I can't even spend time with her at  all. And it's hot as helllll, couldn't even sleep at night. And my friends, I can't see them and I won't see them anytime soon and I'm pretty sure that none of them want to see me at all. :|

Okay I just should shut up now.

however far away..

Day One

This is the first day of torture. And I do not mean me being stuck here all summer, it's about him being so close and yet so far, cuz we can't meet. It's the fact that I won't be able to see him for two months. I'm gonna count it day by day, I'll miss him every single day.

So during the whole flight we couldn't speak or look at each other. And in those last minutes, when the lights were turned off and the plane was about to land, we held hands secretly and it wasn't enough, but it was still something...ugh. I'm gonna fight for this. I'm not gonna give up just because they don't want us together. I'm just gonna go ahead and don't give a damn as long as he's by my side.

It's so freaking hot in here o.O at least it was easy to bear in KL because of the humidity but here it's hell. When they said the temperature in Tehran is 38 C when we landed I was like WTF. Even KL's worst days are about 33. And it was NIGHT TIME when we landed :D And I'm gonna be stuck here for two months. And I'm gonna miss HP7. And I'm not gonna see him or my friends. I can't even go out and have fun here. Perfect summer!

at least it's good that we can be texting here xD

la vie en rose ..

So this is it..
I'm flying home. :)

you are the best thing that's ever been mine..

Exams are taking too long, we're into the third week and it's getting exhausting. It gets so bad that you'll just be like, 'whatever, I can't take the pressure anymore, I'm just gonna lay down here and to hell with my marks :D'

Only three more papers left...sometimes I wish that I'd chosen the business group, they finished last Friday AND their subjects are waaaaay easier than science groups. You don't even need to study real hard. It just need common sense lol. Today we had Biology paper 1 and ICT practical, which was fine except for the fact that I messed up like two questions in Excel -.- pfffff. And whoever made the questions for bio reaaallly wanted us to fail. I won't fail, I never fail bio, but I'm not gonna get that A I planned of. So my average won't be realllly high. :| So my mom won't buy me a new phone. So my dad will be like you didn't study again. Ugh. I can already imagine them scolding me.

Yesterday my mom asked me to take Hydrixisine for my allergy and DAMN, it basically put me in deeeeep 12 hours long sleep. And I still woke up with my alarm clock. o.O I was still a but drowsy during bio =/

Anyway...he's the best freaking thing that's happened to me...he's my best friend at the same time too. It's like with him, I just can't give any shit about the world and its annoying people. With him, I don't overthink stuff, I don't stress myself out, I'm generally a better person. And even when I somehow manage to see the world as a dark even black he's still there, understanding what my problem is and why am I that way, and reassures me that it's gonna be alright. Typical Taurus of course :D Not to mention our brains being linked in a weird and complicated way. It's all just to good to be true.

I don't give a damn about what people say, they may say that he's not good for me or dislike him just because he's not like other disgusting guys in school, I don't fucking care. He's good for me and I love him and that's all that matters.

My life is more peaceful lately. It's like sharing it with someone else makes it easier to go on.

my life is brilliant.

I really had fun last night, even though I thought I wouldn't. It was an unexpected surprise birthday party for my friend's bf xD I mean at first it was awkward cause not all of us knew each other and well I'm not really a social person who enjoys partying with unknown people :D but he was there, and we danced, even though I hate dancing in front of people. It was cool. The people were friendly. And I wasn't that wasted at the end of the night :D

I just remember some blur moments of looking into his eyes and smiling and trying to speak Persian cause I don't know why I go English when I'm a bit under influence :D LOL. Then, we talked a lot, like a lot lot lot. We talked about future and random things. It was a really really awesome night. Just being beside each other felt like heaven.

Then I had to go around 11 and he got me home.

I reaaallllyyyy want exams to end right now. Cuz we both don't feel good spending time on this kind of stuff when we're in the middle of FINAL exams. :-/

I'll be home in around three weeks. Can't believe it.
Maybe don't even want it.
Cause I'm gonna miss a lot of things here..
But he's gonna go as well xD
So I can continue texting him everyday. We did that since May 2nd...there's not a day without texting going by lol.

Physics tomorrow! Now that's something I actually LIKE to study.

viva forever.

These past few weeks have been crazy! And I guess the crazier it got the more I was scared to write all of that here so we're just gonna skip the craziness :D (Dear future me, I'm sorry for not writing here for so long in such an important time, I really am! It's just that you can't really always hold on to past blog entries. Get a life xD)

So, during this time we moved to a new house, sports day happened and all that hard work for cheerleading was for nothing and we didn't win and it doesn't matter if the outfit was ugly, the whole thing sucked and I'm like soooo disappointed but it's alright cause it's so typically me giving up on something then picking myself up and wanting it more than ever and oh yes I know it's wrong to write such a long sentences with so many ANDS but I hate stopping when I'm writing cause I get lazy and I stop :D

It sure as hell was a strange sports day but oh well at least I got two medals, one for 400 meters relay (GOLD!) and one for tug of war. (silver :-") I liked the part when the moms were doing our hair at six in the morning and putting make up for us and getting us ready. Felt like celebrities lol. And Youmei's GaGa custom was simply amazing. (:

Then, drama shit happened again of course but we all know that I'm used to it by now and so, IGNORED! But this time was bad because guys were involved in it as well and it gets pretty bad when it happens. Boys just should not be involved in drama. It's bad.

Then exams started, then I found love right in the middle of it :D Hahaha joking now that's too cheesy. :-&
It's just that we finally did it, we finally decided to try it out and not be scared of being official and so far, so good. A little hesitation on my part because of the past mistakes but he makes me feel so comfortable and secure, he's someone I can depend on and that's something for me. He's real,  he's supporting, and he's there for me no matter what and oh well, those words make my heart skip a beat. It's like I believe in love again.

But seriously it's awesome :D we can even read each other's minds lol. He's so easy to talk to about anything and by anything I mean ANYTHING lol. I can't even imagine sharing those kind of stuff with anyone else. Not even the people I felt comfortable with.

Enough of the cheesiness.

So I have 13 papers for exams because all of the science subjects plus maths have two papers this term "-.-
So far I'm done with 5 and it all ends on June 29th. Been good til now. I even did kinda well for chemistry.

And my best friend just arrived in Malaysia yesterday and we're gonna spend one awesome month together here! Life is like really cool these days. I'm gonna see my dad soon too. Whoa.

ANNND...I'll be back in Iran for summer!!!!!!!!!!! ^.^
I'm like soooo looking forward to it. This time it's gonna be longer too. :D

the way I danced with you..

Suddenly, she was in his arms. His hands smoothed her hair gently, and when he spoke his voice was gentle, too.
"Don't cry, my brave little girl," ge said.
"I'll take you home."

-Gone With The Wind

it's a real big place.

Okay. So now I remember how winning feels like (:
First of all, my school house, Clover, which I'm very proud of, is in the finals for tug of war now B-) Thanks to our great group work and determination to win.
Our first round was Clover vs. Tulip which was kind of easy (Tulip lost in all of them! xD) and it was a good warm up for us. Then we had to face Shamrock which was the biggest challenge, they were really good and they were the only team to beat Marigold. We won the first round, then we lost the second round and it was a tie. Honestly I thought we're not gonna make it cause they were really strong, and it was a close match. They resisted and they challenged us, and I still believe the only reason for them losing was our stubbornness :D and well, they've had two ties and played more than us and naturally they were more tired than us.

Anyway, we won, the moment the referee blew the whistle, that was amazing. I remember jumping up and down and hugging people, and I remember quite a lot of high fives and pats on the back :D it was awesome. It was all worth the muscle pain I'm having now :D

Tomorrow we'll rest and Friday is the final between Clover and Marigold. Honestly, Marigold is great. They have giant boys :D We lost to them on the first day :-/ I'm positive though. I really want those 50 points for Clover! xD

I don't know why I care so much o.O people are like, come on Setareh it's just a game, it's just a sport house and I'm like Noooo, this is CLOVER! and I jump around and carry the flag and all that. o.O

Got the exams time table today, it's actually good, lots of free days for me :D And since all of the science subjects are two papers I can always get more marks for 'em. The only bad thing is, exams will start on June 13th and end on June 29th :( So long. I hope I can handle that loooong period of stress.

Speaking of stress, before the game I had another anxiety attack and breathing problems showed up again. I hate it when it happens :-/ It's like I get shortness of breath, I start sweating, my hands shake and my heart races and I'm trying to gasp air but it's just not there. I really truely hate it. But then, the game starts and  I get an Adrenalin rush and it all goes away :D I love the rush. It's the best mood to be ever :D I wish I was always like that.

I can't remember any dreams from the past two nights. It's weird o.O

p.s: he left. again.

sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead.

I know I've said it too many times but I'm so freaking out of time during these weeks! I come home around 4 everyday after practice, then I have to pack a little more of my stuff, then study a bit cuz exams are so freaking close, do my homework and projects and manage to still exercise at the same time and train myself for the 400 meters run and get enough sleep and eat healthy stuff and blah blah blah. And not to mention to spend time equally with all of my close friends which are unusually a lot (since when I'm so popular?! lol) It's crazy, it's like a roller coaster. I really wish this can make time pass so fast so I don't have to count days to going back to Iran.

Today it was the shot pot competition between houses and honestly Clover girls didn't do really well. I probably got the highest between them (5.2 meters! :-S) But two Tulip girls did great. I admit they're good. It seems like this year, in the overall houses competition it's Clover VS. Tulip 'cause even in the table we're so close and well ahead of the other houses. But in cheerleading, it's between us and Violet :D Do I have to say that I can't wait for sports day again? :D

I'm loving the rumours. It's like if two people from opposite sex spend the break and lunch time with each other and walk with each other, they're instantly marked as a couple. It's hilarious, anybody who sees me asks if I'm with him and I laugh it off and say we're just really good friends. Well we are. I'm glad to have him back. The mental connection is insane. To be honest I've never had it with anyone else. (The physical attraction sucks though :D )

But the other one I wanted...

Why do I still care about him? Why does it make me feel bad when I see him hanging out and having fun with other girls? I shouldn't. I know I don't really love him anymore. I know that it was just a fling. I know that it's not meant to be. But what destroys me everytime is that how good we could be. How amazing it would be. That's the thing that makes me sad. 

Speaking of boys in the past...

I ran into HIM today by accident, and it was cool. We're really good friends now. The war is over. I wish him all the best (: 

And by him, I'm referring to the very reason for me to have this blog, the one that all the early posts are about. I couldn't contain all that sorrow in me.

Haha. Now I've wrote about three different boys lol. 

I miss my cat. 

You had my heart and soul in your hands

I don't know why I keep doing anything and everything but writing here even though I want to do it so bad, because it calms me when everything is a mess. It's like my very own place for considering things and telling myself what to do. It's a different me here, the one I wish I could always be.

These days I'm busy packing my stuff, studying, and staying back in school everyday to practice for cheerleading for at least two hours, exercising and getting myself ready for the 400 meters running on sports day and trying to keep up with all my friends at the same time. The good part? I've been away from my laptop most of the time and it was great.

I'm getting myself involved in too many things this term but honestly I think I can do it. I know that this is the final term and all of us should study hard and all that, but I can't help not getting involved. My excuse is that I want my house (CLOVER!) to win this year again, but I know that I just wanna get too busy to forget about certain things and well to actually be away from the virtual life for a while :D I love it. I can't wait for sports day. We finished the song and we're working on the cheer, it's exciting. The cheerleading outfit is amazing as well. My favorite colour, RED! :D Which brings out that happy active girl in me. The sexy one maybe. I can really see that we can win cheerleading this year :D I mean yeah, Violet is good and blah blah blah, but they aren't the only good ones out there.

Sooo...we're moving out of this house and into a new one in like a week...I do not like changes. Specially when it involves packing things up 'cause I hate doing that :D

I miss home. I miss the people. A lot.
I think of them everyday. Every single day. Every one of them.
Every memory we've had. Every memorable moment, all the details...
I should stop living in the past.

P.S: Obsessed with Adele's music these days. Her songs are about everything I adore, the mourning for the past, with that sad amazing voice of hers...lol

life would be a party it'd be ecstasy...

I want to destroy this divine statue I have made of you for me all these years, it's not something I can control, it's not something I want, it's just there and I'm helpless. And no, this has nothing to do with what's been happening lately. It's somewhere in my past, someone still there, for years now. I want to hate you, so it'd be easier, but no one has ever made me feel the way that you did. I can never experience what I had with you with anyone else. I could never find anything like that, that divine. That thrilling. That moves every single part inside of me. Everytime.

I have this bad habit of wanting things that I can't have. I know that. But I really feel like it won't happen to you. It could never be boring. I know that when I'll have you, I'd still be fascinated every single day. I used 'when I'll have you' and not 'if I'd have you'...'cause I want it so bad. Cause I see it coming. Cause it could be.

I'm so insane...
There's been crazy stuff going on recently and all I can write about is another thing that makes me wanna go back, another step back into the past I adore so much.

I have very strong feelings inside right now. I wonder if anyone can see the fire behind these icy walls I have in my world..I don't know how to handle all that passion.