CaN't touch thiS!

Whoa, so now Justin Bieber's birthday is a national day? o.O that was all everybody was talking about all day long in school AND out and half of the Facebook statuses was about him..I mean, come on! o.O

So me and Shannon and Harold went to KLCC after school to watch I Am Number Four! :D The movie was good, could have been better though. Everything was kinda rushed. And then Harold left early and we had an awesome girls hang out, windowshopping and checking out hot guys :D And talked talked talked. I needed something like this, wasn't really allowed to hang out this month...lolz.

ANNNNDDDD we finally went to check FitnessFirst! IT'S AWESOME. The guys kinda gave us a tour of the whole gym and they have all those work out machines and stuff and steps and those big gym balls :D a big room for yoga and a huge room for dance routines with mirrors all over, and sauna and cafe and TVs to watch while you run on the treadmill. I mean like, a heaven! It had everything. I'm sooooo going for it no matter how much money I should cut from my pocket money. I calculated that I'll be a smoking hot chick by summer if I start now :D:D:D:D

Do I have to repeat that he's so sweeeeet everyday? :D It's been  a week.. :)
LIFE JUST CAN'T GET ANY BETTER!!!

the touch of your hand can save my liFe

It's crazy how things can change so quickly. Two weeks ago I was the saddest person on earth, thinking nothing good is left for me anymore, and I just lost everything. But now it's all so amazing, I can hardly believe that those awful times really existed. And today I got some news about one particular person that used to make my life a living hell...and I wasn't happy when I heard about her pain. I don't want to see people getting hurt no matter what they've done to me. My 'enemies' being in trouble doesn't make me happy at all.

Now tables are turned, and with every single day passing I realize how ironic life can be.

Today was so fast...and I guess I know why :)
We'll probably go watch I Am Number Four with Shannon tomorrow. I've been dying to see it :D

CoMe what may

This is the first weekend in a long time that I was actually allowed to have fun in, the past few ones were always about studying all the time...so we had a girls night out with some awesome friends, no boys for a while :D It was cool. Took some awesome pictures too. It was supposed to be no boys all day long but well, he was on my mind all the time, and he called a few times :D He was out with his friends, a boys night out I suppose lol.

I'm not used to be so cared for all the time...but I guess I'll get used to it, and I like it haha. It's nice to know someone's thinking of you, someone misses you every minute and someone just...loves you for who you are. It's heart warming. Okay that sounded so cheesy! :D

I'm having a quite mind now. Thinking hard to write down something else about my day in here or my feelings or my thoughts but really, that was all about my peaceful Saturday. No complications.

THERE! I found it! I'm hating my body again. The pressure of the people in school expecting every single girl to be a Victoria's Secret model is just too much.. :-/

P.S: Watching Moulin Rouge again. <3 Can't get tired of that movie. It's just so ROMANTIC.

when you walk away, I count the steps that you taKe

I was youtubing this evening as usual when I came across a rather old music video of Avril Lavigne, When You’re Gone. Then all of a sudden I was thrown somewhere in the summer of 2007, one of those long, lazy nights in front of T.V when I couldn’t sleep earlier than four in the morning, and this music video kept being played all the time. I guess it was one of those moments when you listen to a song you have memories with after a looooong time, you just feel it again, every little thing and all the things you used to be and feel once upon a time all together. But of course, the magic vanishes when you insist on keeping it…so no, playing it for the second time doesn’t have this effect. I’ll probably have to wait til 2014 to listen to it again :P but then again, I have too much memories already…

I had a bad nightmare last night. First of all, I don’t know why, but all of my nightmares have been about animals but mostly my cat. The only time it wasn’t about her was when I was stuck in a weird room with a huge black snake and I couldn’t even scream.

So…all that I can remember after 14 hours of having it is that she wasn’t even her usual goldish brown colour, she was black and white, but somehow I knew it was her. She had a problem or something and I took her to a vet, I opened her cage or something and it was just a second later when a brown dog just jumped forward and grabbed her by teeth, and swallowed her! I couldn’t think of doing anything but running after the dog, I don’t know how but I somehow managed to grab him and open his…stomach! And my cat was there, dead of course, but a particular scene that has hunted me since morning is that frightened look on her face, with her paws up to defend herself but it was like she was frozen.

Grrrr. I woke up with a pounding heart and sweat all over my face. Couldn’t calm myself easily. I know it’s silly that all of my important dreams are about a cat, but she’s not really a cat, she’s MY cat, she means so much to me. I’ve had her since I can remember. I grew up with her. Maybe she represents something deep down inside me that I’m not aware of yet. I’m kinda tired of having vivid dreams every single night. It’s like, living in another world for a few hours, and that world actually makes sense, then being thrown away back to reality when I wake up. Maybe spirits really do fly. I feel exhausted after having a vivid dream. O.o

Finally had my English presentation today in front of the whole class! I was so nervous I actually stopped talking for a few seconds because my mind went blank and I messed up a few words too..but I guess it was fine overall. It was about animal cruelty and how our carnivore diet affects the murder of millions of animals every year. I hope I had some kind of impression on them. At least I hope they’ll think about it the next time they’re eating meat.

He’s amazing. I feel great. I just can wish to be as good as he is to me.  I can be so cruel sometimes..but hey, I still miss him when we have different option classes for an hour :)


P.S: I hate it when my mom catches me singing to the mirror. :|

Guess I just met ya xD

So it's weird and true, I'm in a relationship now. Haha. It's SO unusual. I've been free for quite a while and I just realized that commitment freaks me out, acting like couples freaks me out. But I guess I'll get used to it, he's so NICE. He agreed to let me get used to this, he's so patient. He understands. I never expected it from him and it's still a surprise for me, I never thought he could have possibly have feelings for me o.O Oh well.

I've had some changes, in my face, in my body, I'm like, totally changed. It's not just me, everyone has been telling me I look good, I'm sexy, I'm beautiful, whatever. It feels good. It's like power, just walking in a crowd, with all the heads turned back at you, girls getting jealous and guys dying to have you, it's confidence. And this part is gross, some taken guys tried flirting like hell :-/ Ewww. Stupid boys. Always caring for the looks. I'm the same person.

Now that I realize it, he's kinda perfect for me even though he might not have the qualities of the list I've made :P but he cares for me, I'm his biggest priority, he's always around me, he gives me attention, and it's cheesy but he protects me and hell, what kind of girl can't like that? It might be boring but it's safe. No drama. I've had my share of lust, and going after things that are attractive but don't last, maybe it's just time to settle down now. xD

Doing great with assessments BTW. Now my parents will leave me alone when they see my grades. As and Bs. :D

P.S: Why does it always have to happen in late February?! :)))))) LOL...

There's gonna be a heartache tonigHt

I'm always sleeping at 12 and waking up at 10:30 and that's kinda freaking me out. I also sleep three to four hours in the afternoon. That's too much, and I feel tired through out the day anyway. Pshhhh. 

So today is gonna be a busy day, and hopefully productive. I've installed this awesome extention for Google Chrome called StayFocused that blocks useless websites like Facebook, Twitter, Google Reader etc. that only waste your time if you spend more than a certain time on them :D If I'm not surfing the net, I can be a hell of productivity :D 

Just got invited to a friend's birthday tomorrow in RedBox, gonna see what I can get for her...I love buying presents for people. It's worth seeing that their faces lights up when they get it :D 

I'm still thinking...maybe it's not as bad as I think, maybe I should let myself gradually feel love rather than that crazy instant feeling which will blow off after a while, leaving me to dislike someone I used to be crazy about. Maybe it's really better this way. He cares about me, a lot. I haven't had someone like that for a loooong time. Maybe it's time...?! 

Maybe I shouldn't over think every damn single thing. 

Sing about everyone that you left beHind

Listening to the Beatles was the only way I could push myself into writing in this :D I'M SO LAZY! IT'S LIKE I CAN DO SO MANY AWESOME THINGS BUT I JUST CAN'T PUSH MYSELF TO START IT...

Okay that was random..
These days have been good. I'm being myself and it rocks, like I finally can use all that energy in a good way :D annnndddd it's only been one week after that awful night but I can already see how stupid was it, and how I just can't care now, it's crazy. I just feel like I'm free now. I can focus my energy on more important stuff, not bitches and drama. They have probably said a thousand words behind my back but I just CAN'T care. My life is more interesting than theirs :D

Oh and I studied human biology and biology today, my mind is kinda resting now. It's full of medical terms. And I like it, I would be a doctor if I wasn't disgusted by injuries and blood. But maybe I'll get used to it, who knows? I like helping people/animals.

So, I tried to not care about boys and all, but it's my effing nature I can't help it :D It's like my heart's learning how to recover more quickly each time, so the last few ones only took a few days and that's awesome, I'm becoming a heartless star. Buttttt there's this boy, he likes me, he's fine, but the problem is I don't like him in that way, it's awkward when we're alone and all I'm doing in school these days is trying to run away from him and he's always trying to get a chance to be with me, it's bad, I don't wanna hurt anyone, I don't wanna be like the people who hurt me before because I used to like them. I don't want to hurt him. But really, I'm not attracted to him, it won't work out, how the hell should I tell him this? I don't wanna lose the friendship either... boy advice please? oh and two of my former friends in the class like him too, I know I'll upset them if I date him. Complicated stuff.

Soooo looking forward to May. It's gonna be GRAND! :)

taSte of freedOm

Sometimes I think that I really do need to write in here everyday, 'cause if I don't my mind might just explode, I need a place to sort these thoughts out and tell myself some stuff, because when others do I never tend to listen or accept it in anyway. I'm that stubborn...but when it comes to writing here, it's like another 'me' is writing, a much wiser and grown up version of Setareh that can see everything clearly. So yeah, I'll be here for a long time I guess.

These past days been crazy, bad and good, boring and exciting, depressing and bursting with joy. C.R.A.Z.Y. But I'm glad they were there, and the things that happened happened. It made me realize some important stuff which I was really beginning to ignore and forget about. Like how much I wasn't trying hard and how I let the 'frienships & relationships' be my biggest priority, which brings along useless drama and takes a lot of my energy and concentration that I need in such an important year. I needed to cool off, I was too wild in the past few months and well, that wasn't the real me. I never liked sudden friendships, and it always turns out that I was right about it. They're not deep, and they can end as quickly as they started, one day you're 'best friends' and the next you walk past each other like strangers. I thought that night could kill me, it nearly did, but then someone reminded me of what should really be important to me, what I really am, and how I am different from those people, how I'm better than them in so many ways, brighter even. I needed to hear this. To remember it again, and since then I've been awfully calm and relax. I mean, after a huge fight you should be feeling at least bad for a few days or so, but I have a hard time remembering that I'm even in a fight at all. I just don't see them anymore, if I want to be honest.

So...my lifestyle's lot better now. No more partying and stupid,countless hangouts to waste time with, no more excess Internet which is totally awesome, I just realized how relaxed I am when I'm not using my laptop. I exercise, I eat healthy and less, and I get enough sleeps each night. This is the best feeling ever, the feeling of having control over your life. Before that, 'people' controled my life. Now I do. :)

I just don't have any idea about what the title should be :D

Woke up to this huge red eye of mine, I was freaked out. Like, the whole white part of my eye was REEEDDDD, and you could see the tiny blood vessels (ehem...capillaries since I am a Human Biology student :D) just popping out...scary shit. So I was so horrified I told my mom there's no way I'm going to school like that (AND with glasses!) and I wanna wait until 10 to see a doctor or something. It could have been eye infection which sucks and can lead to blindness, and is caused by dirty eye contacts and HEY, I'm wearing contacts everyday since February 2010. But oh well...I fell asleep...woke up at 12...my eye's fine now. Doesn't even hurt anymore.

Piano is a bit more complicated than I expected it to be but my teacher says that I'm talented and I'm a fast learner, and I'm gonna start learning how to play John Lennon's Imagine :) And will probably buy a keyboard of my own...really need to practice more.

So sleeeeeepy.
I missed seeing him all day long.
And when he called, it was like heaven.

It sucks that you're always gonna sound cheesy when you're in love. :D

They say it's all fair in love and in war

Sittin' in Starbucks AGAIN. I'm really getting sick of it :D

So today we'll be heading back to KL - in exactly two hours - and then I have to get ready for school :-/ Monday left and we'll have a one week holiday because of Chinese New Year which is awesome :D 

I don't know how to feel. Maybe writing about it is stupid. Lame maybe. I just know that I want to have something of my days when I look back, just a piece of memory...I care about this kind of stuff. Can't let go of the past, and always scared of the new things. That really sucks. 

But guess what saves me? The crazy need to reach for the goals I set, and the fact that I face hard stuff no matter how much they hurt. You know, when I think about it it really makes me feel good, cause I really don't think I'm much of a good person but that single positive trait helps. 

Okay I'm not making any sense here. I just miss home.

P.S: WHY SHOULD MICHAEL BUBLE BE ENGAGED?! THAT DELICIOUS THING! :D

I try so very hard not to loSe it

So this is the third one in what...seven months?! I'm really beginning to think something's awfully wrong with me. Or not. I have no idea. I just read something that I shouldn't have, one of those things that you should never know no matter how important they are and your heart just sinks. Now I'm trying to get over that feeling by writing, maybe talking about it makes it better...hope it works. :-/

Reached Penang Island yesterday and it's so far so good. I'm not really a travel lover but getting out of that crowded and big city for a while was nice. It's cooler than KL because it's by the sea and is full of hills. So we arrived at seven something in the evening, put our stuff in the hotel and then went out to explore the area, and ended up at Starbucks until they closed at 12 :D Cabs are rare here I've no idea why, even though lots of tourists are here. Generally things are different here. People are more friendly, the buildings are less and the ocean is everywhere. So we couldn't find a cab at 12 and got to our hotel because some nice guy offered us a ride, I'm sure it would never happen in KL. :D

I was so tired that I finally had a real sleep without trying so hard to tell my mind to shut up. Woke up around nine, had breakfast (fruits for me - I hate hotel's breakfast sausages xD) then strolled down the beach which was right in front of us because it's a beach hotel. It was cool until I decided to go in the water and the salty water hit my injured knee (HAD A BLEEDING KNEE YESTERDAY IN P.E!) and it hurt like shhiiiiiit so I went up to fix it...now it looks kinda weird. No infection please. Mom's been nagging about having an injection for it since yesterday. o.O

The bus system here is way cooler. Explored the whole island with it :D Now we're sitting in McDonald's because of the WiFi, I hate the food. Will be back in KL by tomorrow night.

Okay, I think I successfully distracted myself...thanks.

I caN feel your heartbeat

My first activities in this term...badminton! It can be boring but today it wasn't and we reaaalllly played, hardcore! :P 

I hate the drama behind everything though. I'm deciding to not have any 'best friend' at all, cause once you mark them your bestie things will fall apart, and I've learnt that the closest person to you can become a total stranger the next day. Exprienced this way too much to risk again. I'm going to hang out with everyone, not dedicating my life to a particular person. :-/ I'll take no sides. I'll stay outta drama. IF I can. xD 

Sitting in Starbucks, right beside the big glassy window and I see people when they walk pass it, the cars and the view of the big awesome De Palma hotel. 

Love writing in here even though it's always ' 0 comments' :D . I personally know three people who read this regularly and eight other people are subscribed to its feed in GR. It's creepy, knowing that real people in your life read this. I try to forget that fact when I'm writing though. 

I feel so many changes! Little things that didn't matter before make my day now, new stuff to do, and Gossip Girl is no longer entertaining haha. I... even don't miss 'them'. Jusssstttt waiting for my daddy. Let's hope I won't jump in his arms in the airport. 

I'm having the time of my lifeeeeeee...and I never felt this way before! =p

Can I have some balance in my life pleeeaaaaasssseeee?! :D

I mean, I'm not complaining, but it's really challenging to have such stressful days full of depression and sickness and awful thoughts and tears, and the next day so energetic and loud and friendly and...'happy'. Today was one of the good ones, I even started singing walking back home and it was raining :D 

Today was not supposed to be good...apparently somebody had informed school people about our hang outs and parties and they questioned us one by one about it. That was awful, we all felt like criminals! I mean, what we do out of school is none of their business should not be their concern. Damn, I feel stalked now. They knew about every detail through Facebook. :-/

But I'm happy that no one got expelled or hurt xD and after that I had an amazing afternoon. It was just pure fun. And my piano lesson was awesome :D she said I'm really gifted for piano. And it felt natural. Maybe I really shouldn't have wasted my time with violin all this time. 

I feel good, I feel so alive, I feel like I can do ANYTHING. To-do lists always make me feel better xD and my new room has seen awesome changes annnnnddddd I've lost a few more pounds and look somewhat slim which me likes :D all the male students in school like it too it seems. Foolish boys, always caring about the outside. It's good I have good inside and outside at the same time! =p LOL

Planning to start Fitness First maybe! It's much easier and it's fun when it's with friends/family. 

wish I was sober, so I could see clearly now the rain has goNe...

I didn't write in here for so long because I felt guilty about letting go of it when I promised I will write in it everyday.
And then I told myself, what the hell should I be guilty for, why should I explain it, why should I be worried about updating a blog when I'm having the time of my life back home? So just screw it, I'm not gonna tell you a summary of my days in Iran :D

I've been having this terrible allergic attack for a few days now. It's awful. I mean, everytime I tell myself it's nothing new and I'm used to the pain but it still kills me everytime. And this time it was the worst, it affected my face and eyes too... :-/ an extension to the usual horrible arms and legs and neck. It's painful, it's damn painful. So today while waiting in Starbucks before my doctor appointment, I had a stupid argument with my brother and then he said something and I just burst out into tears like shit. It happened because of the pain, because of the way I've had been treating the people close to me, because of all the anger I felt deep inside and because of the thought of the people I'm no longer talking to and they aren't just a few, and they're so recent. :-/ Actually it worries me, I've been crying a lot lately. Even by considering the PMS factor! :D What the hell happened to that strong girl I once knew...

Used to be distracted by music while writing, but now it's actually good. It's like, I'm not even thinking and my fingers just type very fast as if they have a brain of their own. That's how this bullshit gets here, LOL.

Didn't go to school today of course. I hate going out when this happens, I hate people seeing me when it happens and having to stand all those whispers about how they feel sorry for me. But...today I got a little better and my face seems a bit okay...so I'll wear my jacket to hide the arm scars and will go tomorrow, cause I miss my friends and I get so damn bored at home and well...because I love studying. And all of my books are in my locker in school. :-/ Ow and I hate missing Human Biology classes :D I love Ms.Neeti. Which reminds me, she chatted with me in facebook asking me how am I! :P I mean, it's so cool considering the fact that she's my class teacher. She's been screaming a lot this term but after all I know it's because we're such a painful class :D Mohd just got expelled... :-/

I TALK A LOT! I KNOW I DO! ONLY IN MY BLOG :D

Ain't no ending to thiS paiN..

I just wish that I had the nerves to kill myself.
Right now I'm very seriously thinking about those pills in my bag, and I know that only ten of those white pills can put me in a painless and deep sleep and I won't ever wake up.

But...damn me for still caring for what will happen to THEM. :|

crazy little thing

So I missed a lot of days here, doesn't seem to matter anymore though.These days here, they make me sad, and every single hour passing reminds me how close I am to leaving again and I don't think I can handle it this time, it's like watching something being torn again and again and each time it gets harder. Sometimes I think if my parents just leave me there I'll be alright. But every few months I have to come back and start the misery all over again. There's no ending to it. And each time here feels less and less like home.

Well, of course you don't understand what it feels like, and of course you'll think I'm making a big deal out of nothing.

I hate this two faced people, I hate it when I try so much and they do nothing, it's like I don't even exist to them. Then I get mad at myself, for caring too much, to be stupid enough to think they care. And every single time I decide to leave them but I can't actually do that. SUCKS.

Hate crying but in certain days it's not in my control :D and yesterday was the worst! I was in the car with dad, watching the city and the people, thinking how much I'm gonna miss it. Miss being here, miss being in the same time zone, miss family stuff. Then he left for a few minutes to buy stuff and I just burst out crying in the car, it was awful. Crying scares me cause I hate being weak and well, I don't cry like normal people. I bite my lips and put my hands on my mouth to stop moaning and the sound is scary, then my whole face goes white and I look like a crazy person that has just ran away from a mental hospital and ewww.

The good thing is that I won't need to cry for the next few weeks after that :D but damn, it really does make me feel better.

Finished reading Deathly Hallows again at 3 a.m. I can read that book over and over again.

I HATE WASTING TIME!

too much love will kill ya and you won't understand why

Something is wrong this time and I have no idea what it is. Knew that since the moment the plane landed in Tehran and I didn't feel a thing. 

Anyway...holidays...it's a relaxing time after all that school and exam and drama and stressful times. Everything's better here. I'm not really a family lover but I enjoy the family gatherings and nope I can't wait for Yalda xD It's gonna be huge! It's weird and it's good that I never missed it for a year. It's always huge. It's always at my grandma's. With a LOT of people. 

I'm really honestly happy for them. To hell with my own problem, they're cute together. They're strong together. But then again I just wanna fast forward life and see who's gonna be mine. Nobody. LOL

I know I'm not obsessed with a song anymore when it loses its magic. I'm gonna miss Sail Away! 

Once upon a time we had a place to call hoMe

I'm gonna update this a lot while I'm here - I want to record every single thing of my time here, and well, I've got nothing else to do since there's nothing much I can do here.

So, today I finally got to see some of my friends, it was so effing cold! Then when I got home I had this allergy attack because I was holding some cats in the park :D My eyes are still red and scary. Got to take awesome photos with family, too. Never liked being a photographer but it's part of my plan to capture every moment here. I want to feel good when I see them back in Malaysia, when I miss home so much that I just cry like shit. It helps. 

And...there was something about this meeting today, I don't know...maybe I was wrong, but I felt like a total stranger there. Maybe only one or two of them were really glad to see me. I felt very awkward and I wasn't even myself, I was nervous and I acted like a stupid girl. :| I was only comfortable around Wisy and Melik :D Because they ARE my friends. I can still be paranoid but I've a feeling that the rest totally hate me. Or I'm annoying. Or something like that. 

Anyway...that's a part of not having a home. I'm a stranger here, I'm a stranger there. Life sucks. 

Remember when we swore we'd never fall?

So I'm finally here.
And I'm mad at myself.
Because I don't feel excited, I don't get heart beats, I don't feel anything...
And then I have to remind myself, hey, this is the place you dreamed of every night, where you wish you were forever. WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU? o.O

Love the coldness though. Love my cat. Love the family time. Love the life :)

P.S: Currently obsessed with The Rasmus.

You'll stay...I'll sail away

Just wanna go hoMe...

SO sleepy.
Haven't slept for 24 hours and been out all day.
So sleepy that I don't feel like writing all the stuff that has happened these days. And they are CRAZY stuff.
Maybe I'll do that when I'm bored, locked up in the house, nothing else to do...

I'm going home. :)
In a few hours.
<3

P.S: I HATE FLYING!!!!!
P.S 2: I'll miss Aleksander so much. I already do. :(

Read between the lineS

Eveything's a bit better.
And I really have to thank you for finally making me realize how low I got myself for you.
Anyway...I'm REALLY TRULY TOTALLY FINALLY over it, and you know how can I tell? I don't get a freaking heart beat when I see his name or himself. Don't even wanna see him before I go. Don't wanna see those two faced 'friends' too. She left me when she knew I needed her more than ever, and I gave a lot of myself to stay with her and now I realize she didn't DESERVE it. It's enough...I'll come back stronger in 2011. :)  And you can call me a selfish bitch but I am going to put myself before anyone else, anything else. At the end, the only one you can count on is yourself, no matter how many people you think you have. They can all leave you in a second. I have to have myself's back, don't you think?

Today me and Shannon went to Rebekah's house! It was awesome. She has these three lovely cats, Hero, Cow and the other one's name I've forgotten :p I just couldn't get enough of them! And then we had this nice spicy dinner that I managed to finish even though the chili in it was killing me and I had tears in my eyes, hehe. I don't know how they handle the spicy-ness! o.O

Going to straighten my hair permanently (or rebounding as they say in Malaysia.) tomorrow. Honestly, I'm gonna miss my curls, but it'll make everything so much easier. I tried fighting it but I finally gave up, my hair type can't stay good in such a humid place like Malaysia, so if I don't want frizzy hair, have to straighten it...I'm looking forward to it: D

P.S:

My shadow is the only one that walks beside me
My shallow heart is the only thing that's beating
Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me
'Til then, I'll walk aloNe. 

Glowing dim as an amber

It's 05:27 in the morning, I've stayed up all night and I'll be going to school for the last time today to get my report card.

I don't know what happened to me again. I'm SHAKING with tears. It's like, I keep it locked there, perfectly hidden, and then it needs a trigger and BOOM! It's out, it's violently out. I don't know what's wrong with me! I know it's not good to write when you're in an extreme condition like this cause you'll say things you'll regret but I can't help it I have to get it out and well after all it's my freaking personal weblog no matter how nonsense it's in it, it's mine.

Why can't I just have somebody, what the hell is wrong with me? I know I'm not hot or something but that's not the reason, it amazes me how people can easily be together, and how hard everything is for me, I'm tired, I'm sick and tired of this, I smashed my pride for something that I thought was worth it but it wasn't, and now I've lost everything, IT SUCKS, I'm freaking crying like hell now and it makes me angry because I let myself be weak and I hate it, I wish I could just get a grip and pretend nothing's happened... I WANT to, and I'm trying, but whenever it starts getting better and I think it's finally worked, something else happens again. I'm tired of following, maybe it's their turn to follow me, I'm tired of smashing my pride like that, I want my ego back. I feel disgusted with myself. He ruined basically everything I used to be.

ENOUGH OF THE BULLSHIT.

Today (practically yesterday) was the Christmas assembly. I sang Once Upon A December with Lilian. And it doesn't help a thing, actually it's a negative thing cause I feel really awful singing next to HER, she has this amazing voice and of course the whole school was watching and they'll compare me to her and all that stuff.

And then there was this after school fight Shannon and Hamza had, I really can't have more stuff to make me worse at the moment. I don't want my friends fighting. It's the worst feeling in the world. When Alireza and Shannon had a fight it was awful, I forced her to make up for that.

Can't wait for Iran. I need to get outta here for a while...too much drama.

P.S: Sugababes' Too Lost In You can make me cry. Duh.
P.S 2: I've started this fruits diet which sucks but I should stick to it cause I feel so FAT.