It's just a thought, only a thought

So I'm really not trying that hard anymore, but even if I tried it wouldn't work. There's this really tall guy in Tulip that sounds EXACTLY like him. I'm not saying that it's close to his voice or tone or something, THEY HAVE THE EXACT SAME VOICE!!!! It's so freaking weird! Whenever I walk pass that guy (Which happens a lot since he's in year 10 too) I can't help but turn around to make sure it's not HIM. It's really weird...And I'm really sensitive to voices. I can fall in love with someone's voice.

I don't think I was being stupid in the last post, I still understand and I still feel like that. But since writing it I've just seen too many great moments, in which I was shouting to myself HEY! ISN'T LIFE AMAZING? Isn't it worth fighting for? Isn't every breath that you CAN take wonderful? It's pure joy. Living. The power to be powerful. The power to be able to change things around you. The joy of 'being there'. I probably sound like I'm crazy but these are the moments that make me stick to life. Tightly.

My goals and dreams...they are right there, shining :) I'm gonna have them. I know.

I've loved writing since I was really young, but these days I'm taking it more seriously. I love expressing myself in words. And really, the way everyone reacts to my writings...it makes me to be hopeful. Like I actually have the talent.

Another thing that makes me be brighter these days is dancing. I just turn the volume really high, and then there's nothing else but me and music. I jump and I dance and I sing, and every move is a wonderful experience. And I pretend that I'm on this stage with the huge crowd, and it's me everywhere. Someday, someday...

I've always experienced weird stuff. It's like, when I think about something, it happens. When I suddenly remember some old friend, that friend somehow connects me again. When something's on my mind, it'll suddenly be everywhere. And I feel things before they happen. I do believe in this.

So this summer, I decided to really try them by intention, not just because I was randomly thinking about something. So I visualised the things I wanted, I started by simple things. First, I wanted to keep a cat of my own in my house (I know it sounds lame but I love animals, been living with my cat since I can remember, but she's not here now...) but I know my mom wouldn't ever let me. Then, I wished to have the guy I had a crush on for a loooooooong time. And at last, to perform in school.

So this is what happened in less than a month later. I was hearing the sound of some kittens at night just outside my house, but whenever I went to see what's it there wasn't anything. One day, my friend came to me with this very cute black and white kitten, saying she's found it there, and since she knew I love cats wanted me to keep it. To my surprise my mom agreed, and then I had my wish literally in my hands.

School started, and in a few days my crush started to notice me. I really don't have any idea what happened, cause everything was very fast. We started hanging out, and I really can't say more since this blog is public but we had the sparks :) Knowing it is great when you know he didn't know I EXISTED before that.

Still in the first weeks of school, they started organizing performances for Hari Raya, and I was chosen to sing. To PERFORM IN SCHOOL.

So, I had my three wished in less than a month. Or so it seemed.

I lost the cat. After a few weeks my mom started complaining, and it was making a lot of noise and trouble and bothered her. So I had to give it to that friend of mine to keep, and she just released it a few days ago too cause she couldn't keep it. Ana Lucia is gone now.

I lost that boy. Everything happened very fast. We had this grand attraction, spending every single chance we could get to be together in school, and things that I couldn't imagine to happen. But he couldn't make up his mind if he really wants to be with me or not. We stopped hanging out. I'm trying to move on now.

I lost my chance to perform. The performances got postponed twice and eventually was cancelled.

So, I had my three wishes gone in less than...two weeks. It seems like that for sure.

What I'm saying is that maybe I shouldn't have forced these things to happen even if I wanted them. Maybe things really happen for a reason, maybe they were not meant to be. That guy probably can't understand how the hell this happened...lol. It was C.R.A.Z.Y.

Sorry this was too long. Told you I love writing...

So after a year and six months, it's no longer me that you want but I...

I feel like I've completely lost all of my hopes, dreams, goals, things that I've planned...it's like I don't want to try anymore, I don't wanna care, I don't wanna know what will happen to others if I do it. I'm numb...I was always sure that no matter what happens I'll never ever be able to end this, I can never kill myself, because I was too in love with life. I knew that even when it seems like the world has ended and there's no way to fix things, there's ALWAYS a way. And anyway, I couldn't be selfish. There are some people who may not show it now but they care about me, and their lives will be ruined. My family. My parents...So it was never an 'option' for me.

But now...I just don't want to care about all of these. I just wanna 'disappear'. To 'disconnect' from the world for a while, at least. Then all the goals I want to reach come into my head, all my dreams, what I will be, what I can be, everything that I have planned for. But they're not enough anymore. So what that I wanted to change the world, so what if I wanted to be this...SO WHAT, SO WHAT. Just let me go. And so what that I'll hurt them...I won't be here to watch the pain, so what?

I'm being very selfish.

And then, if I go, you'll realize the chances we wasted, the times we could have had...

We touch, I feel a ruSh

Just woke up with a terrible headache, and I'm still numb. That's what always happens when I have too many dreams in one night :P But I remember this clear dream that I had, we were talking I guess, and I was feeling bad, really really very bad so while he was talking about his reasons why we can't be, I just threw myself in his arms crying, really needing it. And then he was very uncomfortable, saying something like "If I'm talking to you it doesn't mean that I like you, you shouldn't be doing this." And it was awful, can't describe how bad. Besides that  I remember one more dream too, I was at 'her' house but she was avoiding me too, just like she does in school. I was there to say I'm sorry and make up for everything, but she didn't want to see me.
MY HEAD IS REALLY ACHING, IT FEELS LIKE IT'S EXPLODING.

My dreams affect me strongly. No idea why. Maybe because they always feel real. Maybe because I get a lot of answers while I'm dreaming, it's like my brain just gives me the answers of what I've been thinking about all this time, when I'm not conscious. And last night's wasn't good.

P.S: Can't stop listening to Space Bound, damn you for suggesting it. It pains me more to listen to it...the lyrics just tell our story. :|

Let's run away and don't ever look back...

Today was boring. But still a good one :D I was a bit stressed out for Human Bio test but it turned out okay...I guess. Sometimes I wonder what the hell was I thinking when I chose it :-S I thought I could handle it...well I still can, it's gonna be a lot harder than other subjects, that's it.

Tomorrow's gonna be an awesome day! I don't know why I feel like that, it's just there =] Even though we have biology and ICT test...ugh.

Saw my mom in school today, but then she went to KLCC with her friend and I continued waiting for Shannon until 3 because she got detention. And by the way, if you're reading this Shanz, WHY DO YOU GET PISSED EASILY OVER STUPID THINGS? It's not good. Nah. Drama much?

Mr.Badaoui is our class teacher now...he's kinda cool, but very firm at the same time. The best thing about him is that he doesn't treat us like kids...he treats us like young adults. Well that's because he's not that old yet...so he understands :P

I'm not gonna write about THAT anymore. And today, all of a sudden, I got so blue in the class. I was close to crying, but then I got mad at myself...and I made a deal. I'M NEVER GONNA SHED ANOTHER TEAR FOR HIM ANYMORE. I promised myself :) So then I just tried to smile and shake it off...kinda worked I guess. Hmmm. I feel like I'm in control of myself. Finally. :)

So...now I'm home alone...hungry...sleepy...happy...and watching Mamma Mia! :P
I love the way they suddenly burst out singing ABBA's songs. And Amanda Seyfried is soooo PRETTY! <3

Looking forward to tomorrow! =]

imma get your heart racin' :)

ASSESSMENT WEEK! It's just assessments but I can't help noticing the actual exams are only two weeks away. :-/ Chemistry was okay today, because I woke up at 2 in the morning and studied until 5! :P I love those hours. Everyone's sleeping, everything's quiet, and I have the house all to myself. But tomorrow I have Human Biology test...and it's a lot harder and heavier so I should study NOW...Pfffff. Sleepy head...

Today, we had the English assessment, and we could choose between three options for a story. I went with the first one, it was about the chances you could take but you didn't. I wrote my story, it wasn't from my point of view...I think I did a good job. It didn't sound silly. And the teacher agrees :P She thinks I'm too good in writing for my age. Probably thinks I rip off my homework from the internet.

Isn't it another awesome day? Haircuts really help see things differently :P And I'm not just talking about the one I got yesterday. :-"""" hihi.

They changed our class AGAIN. I think it was the fourth time...they want us to be closer to staff room so they could handle us better...but they don't know it's not gonna help lol. But honestly, I love my class. We're really like a family. And...I discovered something else about myself. I'm a good leader. People LISTEN to me. And well...I like that...hehe. It feels right. I don't mind responsibilities, I don't mind working hard...a typical Capricorn! xD

Hmmm...what else...I'm trying to write more to avoid studying hehe...
Oh! Aleksander's party! It's gonna be epic. :)

P.S: Katy Perry is so effing hot! o.O <3

Time flieeeeeeSssss

There's something about my face that has changed, I've no idea what it is, but everyone keep telling me that. I guess the way I feel really shows in my face, like for real. It's kinda cool. :)

And since I'm happy and peaceful, my face is literally shining these days :P I feel good. I CAN feel good.

That Monday was two weeks ago, but it feels like two years, SO faaaar that I can't actually believe it happened. Everything happened so fast, the way he changed was so fast, that now I really doubt we are anything but strangers to each other. I don't care...anymore. I'm used, but I learned my lesson. And it cost me all of my friends. :|

But I'm gonna be strong again...you just wait and see!

It's still so weird. It's like I need proof to remind me that it was REAL.

Life is in flash forward...term exams in three weeks! o.O and then one month holiday...and probably Iran...and then my birthday, Persian new year, final exams and whoa, summer again, year 11...And then flash forward again. And then my life's over :P

Now that I look back, I was nothing special to you. I'm glad I realized it soon enough...cause I could never be able to let go without knowing it.

I know a place where the grass is really greener...

It's a peaceful Sunday afternoon, I'm raping the delicious peanut butter and listening to the sound of heavy rain outside.
I'm feeling great...a lot better. I don't know what happened, it's like it happened very fast and ended very fast. It's like the past two weeks were not real. Well, there aren't real anymore. Cause I decided to forget them.

I'm looking forward to lots of great things which make me feel excited by just thinking about them now! It's gonna be AMAZING. =)

And...I don't want to go back to Iran...there's nothing left for me there. But since I'm the youngest and since I'm always the one whose wants are overlooked, they're gonna go back and I have to follow them. What I really want is one great month being on my own, sort things out, and see if I can survive without my mom. Seriously, I'm not a child anymore, they should start letting me go. I can't stick to my parents for the rest of my life...

Anyway, maybe it's good to leave here for a while. Maybe not. I don't know.

STAY THE HELL WITH ME.

I feel like he's avoiding me, and I know what I've done was stupid...but I don't wanna lose him as a friend. I'll back off. Just stay there. Never ever think of leaving...! =]

Today I felt beautiful. There was something about my eyes, the peace and happiness I felt reflected so deep in them. They were really shining...

It's like I'm torn, there's this happy carefree girl who's in love with life, tries her best to help others and loves her friends...the girl that nothing can seem to be able to upset her. The one that just randomly dances and jumps and sings and hugs people... The one that makes everyone happy by just being there. The one that I like the most. The one that's strong around you. The one that never gets nervous when she sees you, the one that you love...

But there's the other part, the sad and depressed girl that is always quite and there's always something serious and cold about her. The one that cries every night, the one that dies when she sees you. The one who can't stand those around you, the one that hates her enemies, the one without a heart, the one you hate to be around.

I just think that today was the awesome one's day. :) And she really shined like a star.

P.S: English was okay, no need to skip. It's weekend...but assessments start on Monday, and believe me I'm ready to rock! xD

The Whole World Stops And Stares For A While

Today was a very good one. =)
For the first time in a...long time...well actually, for the first time ever!, my eyes weren't searching for him all day. For once, I didn't feel like I miss him that much. For once, I didn't feel my heart racing and my face getting hot when I saw him and talked to him. For once...for the first time ever. :)

And I'll just try to forget anything that has happened in the past two weeks. THAT never happened. I'll make sure it never did...

I'm just trying to take care of myself and put a great cover on. It doesn't mean anything's changed deep inside.

P.S: Planning to skip English period tomorrow, that teacher is a monster. Any suggestions? Mine includes hiding in the toilet for one hour and reading my book. Hehe...

A New DawN

No school for two days, and it's because I'm sick, but actually I'm glad that I haven't seen people for a while. I'm KINDA hiding from them, and I think I needed this time...I don't know what I'm gonna do tomorrow, and how to face them :-s

But...I'll just be me...strong...and trying to have fun...and jump and dance in class like a mad girl as usual :P
It's a lot easier when I don't give a damn about what those crappy bitches think. :|

Tomorrow's another day...?!
Ahhh, how I adore Scarlett and how she managed to survive.

Sometimes I'm gonna have to loSe

I'm gonna survive this, but it's gonna be real hard.
It's like, I have to REBUILD myself.
Hmmm...should start focusing on the more important stuff that I've forgotten for a while because of HIM. :|

It's hard...it's...hard...

I think I thought I saw you try...?

So my mom JUST caught me cryin in my room. Now she keeps asking me what's happened every five minutes. It sucks.
And you know what...my tears ain't precious...they're there for every fucking stupid thing and person...I'm ashamed.
BUT THAT'S JUST HOW IT'S ALWAYS GONNA BE.

crAp

I feel like a piece of trash, used and now thrown out...
I'm sick of being denied.
You can't just be like that when nobody's around and act like you don't know me in public.
It's either yes or no...
I'M TIRED OF GAMES.

Toxic

So, I finally went with the dangerous one. And it was worth every bit of it, even though it can still be nothing at any moment. But that's where I belong...

Was yesterday even real?

I REALLY don't think so... :P

I don't know what happened.

P.S: Now I'm havin a hard time, feeling guilty for the stable goody thing that's still there for me...

You're dangerous...and I'm lovin' it

What would you do, if you had two very different roads to choose...?

The first one is a solid, stable thing, which is always there no matter what...

The other one is something that looks charming, you're attracted to it like hell, but there's no guarantee, there's nothing...it can be just nothing.

Which one would you choose?

The one that's not really gonna make you happy but is always there...or the one you truly love but can't know for sure you'll have?

I'm so freaking confused.

But I know what I'm gonna decide...know myself more than enough.