Forgotten Hopes

Hush, little girl, stop crying, stop shedding those tears on your pretty face

It's alright, it's okay, it's gonna be over real soon.

You're gonna die but I promise, it won't take much time

The pain? Oh it's no big deal, it's just your soul being crushed into little pieces. : )

Just hold on a bit more, it's gonna be over real soon, really soon.

I'll be sad to watch you go little girl, but I guess that's just the way life is, I guess that all of our dreams are nothing but sweet fantasies, I guess that nothing will get better after all. This is finally the end.

I hope that you wouldn't fade away in my memories, somewhere deep down inside I know that remembering the light in your bright eyes will be the only thing that would help me to get by in this dark and cruel world.

And then when you take your last breath I'll put on my bravest mask and make them believe that they won.

Shhh...

Hurricane.

I guess it's finally time to write about the craziest thing that has ever happened in my life so far. I feel strange tonight, and this is where I write all of the craziness away.

Two months. Doesn't seem like a long time, but it's been a lifetime.

This is not something that I'd planned for, this is not something that could possibly be predicted. This is just so damn crazy and extraordinary. Destiny. Yeah it's THAT bad.

I can sense the awful days that will follow up, but for now I'd like to embrace the craziness and enjoy the ride.

Ugh I can't even write about it properly...

This one's for Cory.

Yesterday I woke up to some awful news - Glee's Cory Monteith was found dead in his hotel room. I couldn't take it, I kept thinking THIS CAN'T BE. It was kinda surreal.

I've seen other stars dying young and I didn't really care - yeah I  was sad for a while and that was it - and I never thought myself as a Gleek, but I guess I am one after all. I've watched the show since it started in 2009 and I have tons of memories with it. I'm not sure what will happen to Glee now, but it sure as hell won't be the same without him. This is so hard for everyone. He was just too young to die.

I can't even imagine how his girlfriend must be feeling right now, this is awful. :-/

like a hole in my heart

They say time can heal the pain
Sometimes you win, sometimes you lose
And I guess I'm just a fool, I keep holding on to you...

Class of '13

We graduated from college yesterday!

CIMP taught me to be more social, more outspoken, more involved and it was a great transformation from high school to adult life. I met so many awesome people and I experienced many amazing things (Broga trip will always shine in my memory! :P) and I'm grateful for that.

 And I'm grateful for my parents - CIMP wasn't really cheap but they did it anyway because they wanted the best for me. And I wish I could say that I paid them back but no, I honestly didn't...and it's all my fault, I overestimated myself and I chose subjects that I wasn't really good at just to have 'more science' in my diploma and that's where I was wrong. I should have stuck to what I'm really good at, Biology & Chemistry and Advanced Functions were 'enough sciences' but I chose Physics and Calculus too just in case even though I'm not particularly good at them...and it was a huge mistake, it brought my average down and that's one of the biggest regrets of my life. But oh well, no use in regretting it right now...again, this will be a big lesson for the rest of my life. I will always go for something that I like not something that I feel like I'll have to do.

Graduation was crazy and surreal and sad and exciting at the same time...I guess we can all finally believe it and accept the fact that we're done with it, that we're officially 'grown ups' now. I don't feel like a teenager anymore, like this was the final one...so congratulations Setareh, I just sincerely hope that you won't lose the craziness and turn into a boring adult.

Me and Mr.Futa - it was an honour to be in the last batch that had him as CIMP's director. 

Born to die

Today (well technically yesterday) I had an appointment with my dermatologist. She kept saying the usual things, that I should take care of my skin and apply the creams as she's instructed and 'not scratch' (are you f***ing kiddin' me?! who tells an Eczema sufferer to not scratch?!) and blah blah blah. This time I didn't even try to play nice and smile and pretend like she's right. I told her straightaway that they don't work at this point, the reaction is too severe and I need something powerful to restart the whole thing again, it's too late for maintenance. But no, she didn't think it was necessary. She said she can give me steroids right away but it's not gonna be good for me in the long term and I'm gonna regret it later. What, you think I don't know that? You think I LIKE to take 6 tablets a day, suppress my immune system and expose myself to potential infections? NO. But you don't know how it feels like. She said the side effects are gonna get me when I hit 40 or something and I told her that I don't wanna live like this. I'd happily agree to die when I'm 30 if it means that I'm gonna live like a normal person when I'm still young. And it was true. It's a genetic curse and there's no cure, so I might as well just enjoy my time while I can.

So I begged her to give me steroids, she finally gave up and prescribed me some. The initial dose is quite high (20 mg of Prednisone per day) but I'll decrease it gradually. I took it less than six hours ago and I FEEL AMAZING. I haven't felt like this is months now. The rashes are disappearing, my face looks normal again and it's gonna get even better. I wouldn't trade this for anything. Hell, I'd  be happy to cut off 20 years of my life if that's the price I have to pay for being normal.

I'm not even sorry for ranting here :P
It's something that only the unlucky sufferers will understand and sometimes it gets frustrating when others don't understand how severe and life changing it can be. I haven't had proper sleep for almost two weeks now because of the constant itch at nights and the pain from all the scars. It sucks.

And once again, why does it have to be me?
Well we have an answer here! Because my dad's mom had a mild form of this and passed me the gene. It skipped a whole generation (four children) and my nine other cousins and got me! Yay. Not.

This is really motivating me to study my ass off and research and try to find a genetic cure for this shit or at least diagnose it before birth so the parents can decide if they want to deal with hell for the rest of their lives. Just like how they have the choice to abort a baby with Down syndrome. Yes it's THAT bad.

I've never been a quitter, but I do deserve better...

Our lives are too tangled, I don't dare to try and break free 'cause then there maybe nothing left of me...

I hate this, I want my independence back. 

Right now I'm with you for all the wrong reasons and it's not fair to anyone. 

I can't really talk to anyone 'cuz I feel like I'm bothering those few friends I have left and the paranoia is stronger than ever. 

You know something's seriously wrong with me when I'm actually really looking forward to going back to that hell. 

At least it takes the emptiness away. 

"My life has got to be like this...it's got to keep going on."

Yesterday was the last day of classes and CIMP will be officially over in less than a week. I know I haven't written much about college life here but as always I'm here to be sad about an ending! Typical me.

I admit that I had more fun in semester one and it was kinda magical to be free from school rules and be on your own and decide things for yourself. Subjects were obviously harder but the freedom helped to not care about that and just try our best. I used to loath chemistry in high school but it was one of my favorite subjects in college...sometimes I wonder what would have happened to me if I'd studied in Sunway International School instead of Sayfol. Meh. Can't change THAT now.

There are things that I regret about this semester - taking Calculus and taking period 2...who am I kidding, I ain't a morning person! - not taking the subjects that I actually liked and was interested in (FAMILIES AND INDIVIDUALS, DING DING!) and some other things. But it doesn't matter now, it just helps me to change and from now on I will choose the things that I FEEL are right for me and not the things that are supposed to be right for me. This was a huge lesson but I'm glad I had to pay for it in college and not university...haha.

I've always had that annoying procrastinator inside me but lately she's been taking over my life. It's like I'm paralyzed...it's not even just laziness anymore. I keep postponing tasks and doing everything in the last minute because I don't even wanna think about the task. I can't even mentally accept it and start to plan things...it's like my mind just blocks everything. I'm scared. It's like a black monster smothering me. It's so bad that it disgusts me, and it's getting worse and worse each day. Next week my final exams start and I can't afford to mess them up. I keep telling myself that, but it's like I can't care about it anymore. Too much pressure, too much stress...It's like I'm a rubber band that has reached its elastic limit. The past few months have been crazy for me, all the responsibilities and the stress and these toxic thoughts have consumed me and the return of my horrible chronic eczema doesn't help either. I know I've experienced worse (summer of 2009, anyone?) but this feels like one of the lowest points of my life.

I really don't wanna relate this to my eczema but after researching I've realized that it's proven that the psychological effects of this disease can actually be worse than the physical ones. The everyday struggle to cover things up, to try and look normal, to keep looking for long sleeved shirts and sticking to long pants all the time...and when it attacks my face I just feel miserable. I just wanna stay in my room and not face anyone, I feel like a beast. I'm really grateful to have someone by my side who doesn't care about how horrible I look when I have one of those attacks and still loves me anyway, he makes me feel beautiful, I don't how could I possibly handle it without his support.

I've been crying a lot lately over this. And the one thing that pops in my head everytime is 'why does it have to be me?'. The sad thing about eczema is that it's not that bad that it kills you like cancer, and it's never too good to feel normal. It's some hell in between and nobody but you can understand how it feels like to suffer from it.

I need some time to get away. I'm thinking about going back to Iran for a few weeks or months just to get relief...Malaysia's weather is toxic to my condition. And I wanna go back to get some peace, away from all the books and assignments and projects. My parents have actually offered me to take a few months off and start university in January '14 intake instead of this September to rest and recover. At first I thought it's crazy, how can I just miss 6 months off? I need to start as fast as I possibly can! But then it hit me - maybe I really do need a break. Maybe the reason for all of this is that I started college right after finishing high school with no time in between, and CIMP is a course that requires constants work throughout the year...you can't just chill and start studying right before the finals.

I'm still deciding. The logical me still thinks that it's such a crazy idea and even though resting may sound good I will regret it, that staying in Iran for more than a month is not something I can handle.
And the side that feels things thinks this might not be that bad, as long as I can come back whenever I want. Honestly I'm scared of staying there for too long because I will feel trapped. My freedom is something that I can't live without for too long.

p.s: Watched Great Gatsby last night, it was amazing...

You Can Let Go

I know I've been ditching this blog for Twitter for more than a year now...it's not cool at all. But my English Twitter account is kind of like a mini version of this blog without the hassle of convincing my lazy self to open blogspot and actually write in here, and my followers (the audience!) are way more interacting than the people who peek into this blog just to see how my life is. And well...Twitter is just awesome! It's a sad fact that social networking websites have replaced old fashion blogging, but it's true.

So there's somethings that I can't write about in Twitter or Facebook - people just won't understand or they'll be like "So what?" This blog is like my diary and no one can complain about me writing about me and my feelings and my thoughts all the time lol. I'm not self-centered (not THAT much!) but I keep writing about myself and how I feel because I need to do that in order to understand myself. This sounds cliche and boring but I have another side of me that I don't fully understand. I have a massive amount of 'feelings' that I keep locked in a room somewhere and I've shut the door. Occasionally, I lose control and a tiny bit of it overflows everything gets so messy. I don't know how to handle them or how to safely show other people how I feel. It all gets so crazy. But I've learned that writing about it makes me control it and recognize it.

When I was younger, way younger than this, events and dates were so important for me.  In an obsessive way. I cared so much about everything, I'd start planning for birthdays and new years a few months before they actually happened (I remember making birthday invitation cards in summer - my birthday is in January) I'd get all excited about it and it HAD to be perfect. I had such high expectations that I'd mostly ruin them for myself (a major reason why I hate how I'd spent my birthdays in the past five years). It sucked. I'd be so excited for something, couldn't sleep the night before it cause I was day dreaming, and when it finally happened I just couldn't live in the moment, I kept thinking about when it'd be all over and how depressed I'll feel after it's over. This usually made me be grumpy in the parties and celebrations and snap at people or just go somewhere quiet and cry. What the hell was wrong with me? I'd be so excited planning it and when the actual thing happened seeing all the people around me having a good time made me depressed. The bigger the crowd, the more I felt awful about myself. da faq?

The last time it happened was my high school graduation. Don't even get me started on how freaking excited I was for this. We were finally done with high school and all of the people I'd spent four years with were gonna be there, even the people who had bullied me in year nine because I was overweight and had skin problems. I HAD to look good. I HAD to impress people. All my teachers, my friends' parents, EVERYONE. I really feel bad for my mom now cause I made a hell out of my life a few weeks before graduation. I started looking for the perfect dress and different hair styles, got super expensive heels (M&S nude high heels, never used them again after that night) and was obsessed with imagining how everything will turn out.

I don't even need to write what happened. It was one of the worst nights of my life, totally ruined just like my make up because of all the stupid tears. I had a fight with him cause he had to leave early. I remember when the night was almost over I was sitting somewhere looking at the dance floor where all of my school mates were dancing without a care in the world and I was sobbing. I was angry. I'd managed to ruin yet another night for myself.

So...I started 'switching it off'. Since then I just can't care about anything cuz if I let myself care my obsession will be back. I hate special days and events now, I wish we could all be living normal boring tiring college days without holidays and celebrations. I just don't have any feelings about anything big anymore. My birthday felt just like another day, New Year's Eve was just another usual night for me and now that Persian New Year's coming up I should keep it up the way it is. I just can't start thinking about why I'm not gonna be in Iran, why I can't spend it with my family there, why doesn't it feel as magical as it did when I was a child, and why I'm not excited about it or planning for it. I'm just faintly happy about it. It's always a happy time.

early winter for us...

I'm home.
It's been really different.
I can't believe this is happening. Again.


I can't even write anymore...

love is blindness, I don't wanna see...

I'd always thought that when I'll finally stop being lazy and start writing here again after four months it will be for some extraordinary reason, like my high school graduation night, the first day of college, running for vice president in student council, the awesomeness of CIMP, Broga trip or even just expressing my feelings during some unhappy times. But it all came down to a simple thing and that is love.

Yes, the same cheesy cliche that every song is about. But it's true. What love does to you is amazing, it leaves you dazzled and stunned and electrified. It makes you the happiest in the world and it somehow manages to make you the most miserable one. It makes you lose your independence and it makes you forget whatever plan you had for your future in the past, a time that seems so far away and so worthless and so damn dull before you met them. You just simply can't imagine one day without them and it drives you crazy to be apart. It's quite astonishing, what love does to you. It makes your whole world upside down and it makes you brave, ready to face anything now that you know you have someone for you. It's like magic.


I was the kind of girl who'd laugh at the silly love stories and would find relationships such a waste of time and energy and tears. I believed real love didn't exist, that it's only there in the perfect movies but everybody will find someone compatible enough to get married to and everyone will somehow find a way to bear each other for the rest of their lives as friends after their honeymoon phase is over and the fire dies down... and well those who couldn't, would be divorced. Never ever in my wildest dreams I could see that I'd be such a sucker for love, but it happened to me. It's indescribable, what love does to you. I consider myself very lucky for finding the one at such a young age. If it happened for everyone, the world would be a much better place. :)

He changed me, he made me a better person. He made someone who would sacrifice everything and wouldn't give a damn about herself anymore when it came to him out of the most selfish girl on earth. He made me realize my flaws, and helped me to fix them. He made me see the world with new eyes, and taught me how to be less serious and harsh and to be more loving.

I'm not even sorry for gushing about this overwhelming feeling. It's too powerful, too huge to contain it.

and in the morning I'll be with you, but it will be a different kind...

Today, 27th April 2012 was the last day of school for us. It's hard to believe that we won't have a school day ever again. We're like birds that've been in a cage for so long, and when they finally open the door and let us out we're too dazzled to go, we still can't believe it :D

Time's flying these days...I can't believe the scary IGCSE exams are only 10 days away. Then it's Graduation in June and college in July...it's all just too fast.

p.s: my last day of school was Monday! :P I had my closure. It was surreal.

Now she's just somebody that you used to know...

I'm not alright.
So, I've been feeling a bit funny and weird for the last couple of days but I blamed it on my messed up immunity system and anticipated another cold that was about to bring me down for a week. But it got scary. Last night my gums bled and I found a huge purple swellen point on my skin. I didn't care much obviously. But this morning as I woke up to catch my ICT extra class I felt weird. I know something was up but I just thought it's the pain of waking up at 7 a.m during holidays and it'll go away...I went back home and fell asleep for a few hours, when I woke up I felt dizzy, breathing heavily with this ache all over my body. My head was about to explode and my eyes hurt. So I thought it's flu instead of a cold! Yay.

My fever wasn't so high but then it got worse even though I'd took pills to cut it down. After a few hours I know I was burning with an awful fever, and when it got to the point that I fell down hard while I was trying to get up, and I had a drugged-like confusion and lights flashing and couldn't even lift a hand I decided I really have to see a doctor. Right away. At 11 p.m.

So here I am, back from the visit. 39 degrees fever, the doctor said I might be infected with Dengue (Look it up, it's pretty serious.) and if the pills he'd give me don't cut down the fever tomorrow I should go for a blood test immediately.

I'm scared. I've been damn sick many times before but this time is different, I've never been in this much of pain, I was never THIS weak. And somehow I know the pills aren't gonna work.

So my point is, I know I'm probably overreacting but I just realised how fragile we really are. How fragile LIFE is. How you can be perfectly healthy and hanging out with your friends and the other day you'll be dead, lying cold in the ground. How minor things can get serious. How I still have a lot do with my life, how I should tell the people in my life certain things before I go. How they should know that I love them and even though things were messed up sometimes I truly care for them and appreciate them.

I've always thought, I'm gonna start writing something REALLY long one day. And that thing is gonna be my honest words with every single person I've met in my life, even the ones that weren't that important or close. But now, staring at death in the eye makes me realise how little time I have for that. I should have started way earlier and completed it little by little as I met new people.

I'll be waiting for tomorrow, and I'll probably survive, but I look at life differently now. And if I will, I'll start that long thing soon :) You never know when it's gonna hit you.

17

Last hours of being seventeen.
I'm usually eager to move on and get 'older' soon but I guess this is the point of my life that I don't wish to age anymore.
Seventeen was the perfect one, not too young and not too old. Something heavenly between these two. And now I'm officially gonna leave teenagehood behind...it feels weird. So this is it. This is who I'm gonna be for the rest of my life. My transformation from a little girl to a young woman is finally complete. :)
Took me so many years and it was full of good and bad times, but I FINALLY made it. This is gonna be a new phase.
So how did I spend the last day of being a seventeen years old teenager? Treated myself to an awesome manicure at the spa :D it's so awesome. It's amazing how little things can make you feel a whole lot better.

My apologies for not writing here for so long...I was just being busy and lazy and afraid of everything happening and figuring out a way to explain them here.

Anyway, I'm not sure how am I feeling. I just know that when I'll look back to January 19th 2012 I'll have something about this thing that's happening now :D It's kind of like capturing a moment in time. A memory freak as I am, that should not surprise many of you...

the new era

It's been long since the last time I wrote in here and I didn't intend that, actually I wanted to update it as frequently as I could specially in the last week when things began to change but oh well - here I am now :D

So I landed in KL Monday morning and went to school the following day. They've made a lot of changes, there are trees and flowers and benches and a fountain, the football field looks awesome now, and the dining hall and the classes too. We even have a 'Paris street' :D with pink chairs and little tables and flowers. I like it.

Year 11 is very different. We're the seniors of school and it feels really weird :D It's a very important year for us. All of our past year teachers are changed and the senior ones teach us now. They're all investing in us. And we're all studying like NNNNEEERRRDDSSSS even though it was just the first week of school. It was the first week of school to THEM :D for us it's just continuing the year 10, knowing exams are just two months away. It makes anyone to be in the exam mood from now on lol.

I've changed. Actually, I'm back to that nerd that I used to be all my life except for last year when I let things fall off the way, and although it was a bad experience, it let me find my way. There are just not enough words to explain how peaceful and happy I am these days. Things that used to bother me before are just blocked now whenever they try to get near me, it's like something amazing is protecting me. I've forgiven the people who've hurt me before and there's just no hate, no worries, no black thoughts inside of me. It seriously feels amazing. :)

And he, he is always there, and this time I'm not even sure if we'll eventually break up lol. With the past relationships I always knew no matter how perfect it seems we'll go separate ways SOME DAY, maybe after a few months or a year and half, but it'd always happen. This time, I'm not sure at all. In fact, the chances of staying together f o r e v e r are really high now even though it sounds really cheesy.

Straightened my hair yesterday xD It's good. And yesterday I went out without wearing school uniform for the first time, and two guys just walked up to me (not at the same time of course!) tellin me they think I'm really pretty, and asked for my number lol. One of them was shopping and when he saw me walkin down the stairs he just ran after me all the way to Starbucks near the KLCC park. Of course I told them I'm not single, but I appreciate it, and we can hang out in groups later for sure. Everything is so new to me. I don't feel like a teenager anymore. I feel, and look like, a young lady. Eighteenth birthday is near. I feel the changes in me. :)

I sleep early, I wake up early, I study hard, I pay attention in class and don't go day dreaming. I actually do my homework and projects and assignments and don't try to skip it. And I'm a prefect now. I don't use my laptop everyday. Just two days a week o.O And when I do I just check my email lol. Facebook is not interesting anymore. Even in the weekend I enjoy cleaning my room and organizing it and studying more than being online even though I have time for it on Saturdays and Sundays. They say changes don't come over night but I guess for me it happened in a short time. Or maybe those horrible two months affected it. I have no idea. I'm just glad to be happy and have a genuine smile on my face.

savin' me

When I'll look back at my posts here, it's because I wanna know how was I doin in that period of time. Well, for the past week everything's been alright, and dare I say more than alright. It was going great until the stupid atopic eczema (that I'm dealing with since age two...) came back and it attacked harder, this time on my face and my eyes. It sucks. I've always said I love life too much to end it but I really understand how dark a depression caused by this can be, well at least now I'm not all alone in my room in KL but when that'll happen, I understand how ending your own life seems like a very pleasant option compared to what my body goes through, it's like how I prefer the pain to the itch. And no I'm not making a big deal out of a chronic disease..it'll always be 'why me?!' and it has no cure and I'm just so sick and tired of it. Oh well...

But apart from that, I've had a pretty good week, maybe the best one since I came here. Hell yea it's because my dad is back :-j when he lost his faith in me I lost it in mine too. Now that he believes in me again I gained it back as well. It's like the future shines so bright, it's like I can do whatever I desire. It's like I'm powerful. It's like I have a plan for my life again and this gives me a reason to wake up with a passion everyday. I'm just so different from that disappointing girl I've had become in these past months. Don't know if it makes sense lol.

Two weeks from now school starts for the last time. I know I'll miss it, I already do. I'm probably the only one who can't sleep the night before because she's too excited all her life, since I started school. Probably the only one who misses school because of the subjects and the teachers and the rules and not friends. I know I'm so gonna miss that. And this will be the last first day of school.

After that, I've a lot of plans. But one thing for sure is that I'll leave Malaysia, just because of its weather...I really can't stand it anymore. When I'm away from the humid hot weather I realize the difference. I'll probably go somewhere real cold :D I like Canada. I won't even have to learn Norwegian and well a lot of my cousins are there lol.

I know I won't miss leaving Tehran this time.

p.s: havin a series of nightmares this week. dunno what the hell's wrong with my head...

to make my demons run

It's finally getting better! And I'm so damn sure that it's because the days that I have to count are shrinking :)
20 more days or so and it doesn't seem long at all compared to this 40 days I've been through. My dad and bro will be here in a few hours and I'm kinda excited.

Yesterday I went out, taste of freedom was awesome :P

I've no reason to be so hyper and happy but I am :D
Even though we had this stupid argument last night.
Can't bring me down xD

p.s: Metallica's awesome.

The door is closed, so are your eyes

What I really want these days is one peaceful night when I can actually fall asleep earlier than six in the morning, and be awake in those awesome morning hours. But everything's messed up and so is my sleeping habits these days. These weeks. This freaking month.

So obsessed with Metallica's The Unforgiven II! o.O It's one of those tracks that can make you enjoy music like a drug, and well the minute I heard the chorus again it just reminded me of some blur moments when I was way younger and my dad put it on. I'm really thankful about this kind of stuff...he made me get used to awesome music since my very first years.

Seeing her again was good, reminded me that there are still a few people that I can be myself around them, without pretending to be anything else, and be accepted just the way I am. It was like all those months had never happened. There are just some people in your life that no matter how much you try to hate them or erase them from your life, they just won't go or you just can't stop loving them. And it's not even in your control :D

Sepeher is really leaving for good...I know he's gonna have a hell of a fun living in U.S.A but still, he was one of the very first few friends that I made in school, like two years ago now. He was the first person I could actually trust in that hell, and one of the few mature boys who aren't shallow or stupid or disgusting. I'm gonna miss him so much. And the most stupid part is the fact that, for the rest of my life, the last time I saw him will be the last final exam (FREAKING CHEMISTRY!) after they changed his seat for joking with me in the exam hall xD I didn't know it's gonna be the last time. I had no idea. :| I didn't know I'd get too busy to see him again and I didn't know that my two months stay in Iran will make me miss the chance for a real goodbye.

Yet another reason for me to hate being in this black place.

p.s: it's tomorrow. I still feel like I could pass without seeing them. I saw the people that mattered to me and I wanted to actually see already. Don't need to fake some more smiles..

I Used To Be Someone Happy

Have to admit that things are a bit better, lol. Still feels like wasting my time but now I try to enjoy it instead of thinking about things that I could do if I was back in KL. I try to see this awful summer as an awesome holiday...at least I sleep for loooong hours to make up for all that school days that I had to wake up at five something in the morning.

Coming back here used to be magical, but it isn't anymore. Maybe I should really stop coming back every six months or so :D I've never experienced not being here for one whole year. The longest was eight months and lmao that's awful! I should try to not come back for a while. One year or two years or maybe more?! I dunno. I'll be older then. I can decide things. [I'LL BE AN ADULT!:))))] finally.

So today, after three years I could finally came back to the house I grew up in. The new people were nice, I liked them a lot. My old room now belongs to a ten years old girl. The yard is still full of kittens :) It still felt like home, it still reminded me of too many memories. Every corner I looked at made some ghost like younger versions of me appear there, just like it's still back then, like in the movies :D It was sad.. then I saw a fourteen years old me talking on the phone for hours with him, I saw a ten years old me having a silly birthday party, I saw the eight years old me reading Harry Potter books for the first time on that old rocky chair, and I saw a twelve years old me adoring Backstreet Boys :D It was so weird. Like it wasn't my home anymore but it still felt like it was. Ugh I should stop writing about stupid stuff.

I know I'm getting paranoid, but what if the distance (for yet ANOTHER month :| ) drifts us apart?
I know it's stupid. But all day long, I keep thinking about him, and I wonder if he does too. I wonder if he suffers as much. I wonder if it's that important to him or not. Sometimes I just wish he'd read this blog so I didn't have to explain why am I acting this way, but then again there are just too many honest stuff here for him to read :D

Pretty sure my parents read it too. Scary huh? Maybe they're not.
P.S: It's on Wednesday but I'm not even sure if I wanna see them anymore...

a home full of strangers...

So many bad things happening at the same time and when it happens, everything goes outta my control and it gets messy and I'll be confused...so imma sort them out here to see what the hell's exactly wrong. It could be just my usual summer depression (happens every single year in August) but I have pretty good reasons as well...

I'm mad and sad and scared at the same time and feeling like this life sucks more than ever.
I'm really sorry to say this but I hate every single moment of being here and I still have ONE MORE MONTH to go and it just seems like a nightmare. What hurts more than having my basic freedom taken away from me here is little by little understanding the fact that your friends just don't give a shit about you, when I was sooo excited just to see them once more and I also wrote that here that I think of them everyday and I miss all of them. It really sucks.

And my best friend for so many years seems to have replaced me with one of my friends, they go out without me and they don't tell me anything, they do everything together and I'm not included anymore and it just hurts but I just have to accept that friendships aren't forever. You get close to someone and everything's great, you feel like you can't live one more day without talking to them anymore, you feel like they understand you without trying and well, you understand them too. It's so natural and comfortable and BOOM! something happens or sometimes it doesn't and you just fall apart without even actually saying goodbye. For some people the honeymoon period is longer and for some shorter, but it will eventually happen...I really wish it didn't. I tried to not believe it. But it's happened too many time to me and each time it's getting harder to ignore this one bitter rule of friendship.

After a few years of struggling to have a normal friendship with an ex he came back again, wanting me back...and I knew that I didn't have to think about it to say no. I'm not that kind of girl to cheat when her guy's not around. But then he handled it badly, and I guess all that effort for a after-break up - friendship were for nothing now and it's gone. And it bothers me. It wasn't my choice.

I have nothing to do here...I wanna go back. Back in KL my friends are planning a trip to Genting, Pascale is all alone there as well, we could have chilled...and Shannon will be back by 16th, and Alex too, and just all the good stuff will be in August. It doesn't matter that I missed watching HP7 in 3D anymore. :D There are greater stuff. There is one whole month that I could use to be with the people I love and the people who love me back, not being stuck in a super hot and sad country full of people that hate me but I thought they'd want to see me after all. I feel like being wasted away here. They don't even realize it but after being outta it for a while I realize how even breathing in here for a few weeks will make you indifferent to everything...you hear bad new, worse each day, and you just can't feel anything anymore. People are numb here.

I used to love coming back, but now it's all so different. Maybe you really shouldn't try to replan doing all the good things that's happened before unplanned, it just can't work out. My life, my room is in Malaysia now. My 'friends', my school, things that I care for..everything important in my life is there. There's a heavy hatred flowing in here.

Now all that said, I just should point the fact out that I'm not hating my country or trying to say that I'm sooo different and cool and khareji and blah blah blah, it's just that I don't belong here anymore. None us do, when we leave to live somewhere else, you can't really come back and try to relive your past life in Iran. I love my country, I really do, but it just doesn't have a place for me anymore.

nothingness

Day Four & Day Five

I feel like a prisoner. Mom really did take away my laptop (this is HER laptop now and I have limited time =/) I can't go out, I can't see my friends, I can't even listen to music or watch movies or even talk to him properly cause the freaking lines here suck. I'm stuck in the house all day and all I can do is reading books and I'm reading Love In The Times Of Cholera all over again..."Fifty years and nine months and four days!"

Summer always sucks, but it's worse in Tehran. I can see that storm of depression coming again and life gets meaningless when it does, and I just stare at the wall thinking how stupid everything is and how nobody understands and how I don't have anyone to talk to, and how I'd like to end this...my worst cycles of depression are in the summer. I just get so numb.

And I can't really eat, I've lost three kg since I got here last week =
I can feel that I'm sick, I know that. Whenever I try to eat I just feel like throwing up, so disgusted with any kind of food. Fruits are the only thing I can eat and my mom says that I have a cherry diet! Not true. She thinks I'm trying to have a crazy diet to get skinny or something.
Through this hell, he's the only one that can make me feel better. Or make my heart beat for real.
 
 
Day Six & Day Seven
 
It's been a week. I can't take it anymore. This is the last time I'll be freaking here and I'll just go away and never come back. I hate the people, I hate the place, I hate the bad news that is sooo normal for this people everyday. I hate the pain and I hate it when all the bad stuff in the world happen here. I hate the nothingness, I hate it when life loses its meaning here. Everything's covered in a gray haze and everybody's dead.

but you're still on my lonely mind.

Day 3

My dad got my report card today and he sent my mom an email saying how horrible I am and therefor she's making me to use my laptop one hour per day AND IT'S NOT FUCKING FAIR because I have improved and my marks are good and I've really worked hard for this but they don't see it. I really don't know what else they want me to do, I've studied my ass off and they're like, you didn't even try. And when I tell them that my marks are reaaaallllyyy good compared to other people they say I'm making excuses. They don't know that the effing system is different from Iran. I'm so fed up. I've done all I could do.

Finally we're going somewhere tonight. My uncle's. Just me and my mom. It's better than being stuck in the house though. At least I'll get some attention :D

p.s: it's been a week since the last time we went out and it already feels like a year. I'm seriously not gonna survive these two months :|