You Can Let Go

I know I've been ditching this blog for Twitter for more than a year now...it's not cool at all. But my English Twitter account is kind of like a mini version of this blog without the hassle of convincing my lazy self to open blogspot and actually write in here, and my followers (the audience!) are way more interacting than the people who peek into this blog just to see how my life is. And well...Twitter is just awesome! It's a sad fact that social networking websites have replaced old fashion blogging, but it's true.

So there's somethings that I can't write about in Twitter or Facebook - people just won't understand or they'll be like "So what?" This blog is like my diary and no one can complain about me writing about me and my feelings and my thoughts all the time lol. I'm not self-centered (not THAT much!) but I keep writing about myself and how I feel because I need to do that in order to understand myself. This sounds cliche and boring but I have another side of me that I don't fully understand. I have a massive amount of 'feelings' that I keep locked in a room somewhere and I've shut the door. Occasionally, I lose control and a tiny bit of it overflows everything gets so messy. I don't know how to handle them or how to safely show other people how I feel. It all gets so crazy. But I've learned that writing about it makes me control it and recognize it.

When I was younger, way younger than this, events and dates were so important for me.  In an obsessive way. I cared so much about everything, I'd start planning for birthdays and new years a few months before they actually happened (I remember making birthday invitation cards in summer - my birthday is in January) I'd get all excited about it and it HAD to be perfect. I had such high expectations that I'd mostly ruin them for myself (a major reason why I hate how I'd spent my birthdays in the past five years). It sucked. I'd be so excited for something, couldn't sleep the night before it cause I was day dreaming, and when it finally happened I just couldn't live in the moment, I kept thinking about when it'd be all over and how depressed I'll feel after it's over. This usually made me be grumpy in the parties and celebrations and snap at people or just go somewhere quiet and cry. What the hell was wrong with me? I'd be so excited planning it and when the actual thing happened seeing all the people around me having a good time made me depressed. The bigger the crowd, the more I felt awful about myself. da faq?

The last time it happened was my high school graduation. Don't even get me started on how freaking excited I was for this. We were finally done with high school and all of the people I'd spent four years with were gonna be there, even the people who had bullied me in year nine because I was overweight and had skin problems. I HAD to look good. I HAD to impress people. All my teachers, my friends' parents, EVERYONE. I really feel bad for my mom now cause I made a hell out of my life a few weeks before graduation. I started looking for the perfect dress and different hair styles, got super expensive heels (M&S nude high heels, never used them again after that night) and was obsessed with imagining how everything will turn out.

I don't even need to write what happened. It was one of the worst nights of my life, totally ruined just like my make up because of all the stupid tears. I had a fight with him cause he had to leave early. I remember when the night was almost over I was sitting somewhere looking at the dance floor where all of my school mates were dancing without a care in the world and I was sobbing. I was angry. I'd managed to ruin yet another night for myself.

So...I started 'switching it off'. Since then I just can't care about anything cuz if I let myself care my obsession will be back. I hate special days and events now, I wish we could all be living normal boring tiring college days without holidays and celebrations. I just don't have any feelings about anything big anymore. My birthday felt just like another day, New Year's Eve was just another usual night for me and now that Persian New Year's coming up I should keep it up the way it is. I just can't start thinking about why I'm not gonna be in Iran, why I can't spend it with my family there, why doesn't it feel as magical as it did when I was a child, and why I'm not excited about it or planning for it. I'm just faintly happy about it. It's always a happy time.