home/friend/hug-sick

I don't know what the hell's wrong with me, here I am, 4 in the morning crying like shit.
I don't even know the real reason for it o.O nothing's wrong! at least doesn't seem wrong.

I hate it when it happens, it's like I control for a loooong time and one moment it needs a small trigger to BURST OUT. Right now I'm biting my own hand to prevent any awful noise from getting outta my mouth since bro is asleep. It's disgusting.

I can cry silently by myself all I want, but I know that what I need right now is someone to hug me and just don't ask about anything.

-By someone I mean anyone. Not a particular person.

Okay, writing was my last weapon and it did not distract me, it's pretty bad then..
I'll just go back to try to control the wild tears, they freak me out.

And promises to keep

There's this album in my Facebook called 'A Little While Ago' and I don't know why, I just love browsing it over and over again, and whenever I do I smile with no reason and damn I'm not a 'smiler' :D Same thing with 'Holidays In Iran', I just love each single photo, they remind me exactly how I felt and my smile in them is genuine. Hmm..And I still miss breathing there.

But when she's there, it's like part of me is there now, it's like I can see with her eyes and feel with her heart. I feel like I'm less here and more there. Physically here mentally there. And I live here like a living corpse, specially since there's no school to distract me.

I saw a little cute but very dirty kitten in the street on my way back home from cheerlading practice. It was small, and I estimated it might be one month old. Or three weeks. The thing about it was that it couldn't really move because it was blind, and couldn't open its eyes. It was really sad, it kept meowing and trying to find its mother. I really hope that no human did it to the poor thing. :| and me? I tried to move it away from the road, and I did even though it was damn hard (the kitten couldn't see me so it felt uncomfortable with being carried) I wanted to bring it home, but I couldn't carry it very far. Considered taking it to a vet, but I didn't have enough money with me then. I just feel so guilty. I hope it doesn't get run over by a car. :|

bored and lonely in a rainy day.

It seems like whatever I do is not with the flow. I become a nerd and people go party. I go partying and people become nerds. I'm single and happy couples are everywhere. I'm in a relationship and all of them break up. Confusing much :D

Anyway...it's been weird though...some couples that I'd never thought to break up broke up, and not just one or two o.O

Shannon's leaving for Sabbah tomorrow, Natalia is still in Australia, and Alex is kinda grounded. And me? Neglected I guess.

Did a bit of research about what does really attracts women to men and men to women and was a bit surprised to find that women do not care about the looks much as long as the man looks dependable and capable of protecting the future offsprings (CHESSY I KNOW...but that's biological stuff lol) and the reason that men pay the most attention to women's bodies and looks is because they can decide if the body is capable of giving birth to healthy offsprings that survive to pass his genes, like wide hips and small waist and all that...totally weird :D

Then maybe that explains why I can't help myself with intelligent and tall males :-S


P.S: Robbie Williams is so dreamy.

just try..

This is the bad thing about holidays, you wait for it and then when it comes you get sooooo bored you want school back. And the worst part is that I'm at home all day and my mom is driving me crazy, I can't stand her more than few hours a day :D I can't go out everyday, and Natalia is in Australia :( 

So I just sit at home and hate my face and hate myself and just eat when I'm stressed. Just realized that I have this eating disorder called Binge earing disorder, and Wikipedia says these are the signs. 

• Periodically does not exercise control over consumption of food.
• Eats an unusually large amount of food at one time, far more than an average person would eat in the same amount of time.
• Eats much more quickly during binge episodes than during normal eating episodes.
• Eats until physically uncomfortable and nauseated due to the amount of food just consumed.
• Eats when depressed or bored.
• Eats large amounts of food even when not really hungry.
• Usually eats alone during binge eating episodes, in order to avoid discovery of the disorder.
• Often eats alone during periods of normal eating, owing to feelings of embarrassment about food.
• Feels disgusted, depressed, or guilty after binge eating.
• Rapid weight gain, and/or sudden onset of obesity.

And damn, they're so true :( 

My mom still thinks that I'm making a big fuss out of it. 

Sometimes it's so bad that I just wanna die.

P.S: It's so good to be talking to the two people that meant a lot to you again. :)

Progress

I've learned that...

People don't like it when you try to change things about them or their lives. If you don't like something about it, don't get involved.

Nothing lasts forever, and friendships fade. You'll walk past your best friend like a stranger someday. Fast friendships are easy come and easy go - you should never put your everything in one.

If you don't want anyone to know something, the only way is to keep your mouth shut. If you tell even one person about it, still everyone will know.

People will talk about you behind your back. People do it to everyone. The only important thing is how you handle it - if you care, you lose.

It doesn't matter how many friends you have and how popular you are. The only person you can trust is yourself, if you fail in your life there's no one there to help you. In your darkest time, you only have yourself. So be a strong one.

Success doesn't come overnight. It needs a lot of hard work and a lot of time, and a determined mind. Of course you will fail in the first few steps - you just have to be strong enough to not give up and continue.

You can't change the past, but you can use your experiences to be better today. Each mistake teaches you something, that's why I love them. But they should not be repeated.

And hell yes, PRACTICE MAKES PERFECT.

Good lessons I suppose. Experienced every single one of them so it's true. And I wrote it myself :D

I wanna stay in love with my sorrow.

It's been crazy over the past week. It's like, to hell with exams, my whole life is screwed up, all the things that used to mean something are just nothing now. I can't recognize this outrageous girl, that does all the things I used to loathe . I've become everything I used to hate... I'm this girl that plays with boys like toys. I don't care about who gets hurt while I'm being careless. I know I MIGHT regret it later (I'm not even sure..that's bad) but for now I just want to throw it out and I don't understand myself at all. It's probably because I'm mad at someone or something or even myself but I should figure out why.

But it's so different, I don't think this is temporary. I've seen huge changes and damn I think they're gonna be there forever. The people, the people. I kicked out three of the friends I valued the most and I don't think we'll ever be back on again. And the whole thing with three of them is stubbornness. Maybe I just need more flexible people in my life for my own sake.

Daddy's leaving in a day. Don't know how to feel, I don't even know when will be the next time I'll see him.

Boys, boys, boys. They are crazy.
I don't wanna be a bitch that cheated. But this is so crazy. I hate all your lies.