crazy little thing

So I missed a lot of days here, doesn't seem to matter anymore though.These days here, they make me sad, and every single hour passing reminds me how close I am to leaving again and I don't think I can handle it this time, it's like watching something being torn again and again and each time it gets harder. Sometimes I think if my parents just leave me there I'll be alright. But every few months I have to come back and start the misery all over again. There's no ending to it. And each time here feels less and less like home.

Well, of course you don't understand what it feels like, and of course you'll think I'm making a big deal out of nothing.

I hate this two faced people, I hate it when I try so much and they do nothing, it's like I don't even exist to them. Then I get mad at myself, for caring too much, to be stupid enough to think they care. And every single time I decide to leave them but I can't actually do that. SUCKS.

Hate crying but in certain days it's not in my control :D and yesterday was the worst! I was in the car with dad, watching the city and the people, thinking how much I'm gonna miss it. Miss being here, miss being in the same time zone, miss family stuff. Then he left for a few minutes to buy stuff and I just burst out crying in the car, it was awful. Crying scares me cause I hate being weak and well, I don't cry like normal people. I bite my lips and put my hands on my mouth to stop moaning and the sound is scary, then my whole face goes white and I look like a crazy person that has just ran away from a mental hospital and ewww.

The good thing is that I won't need to cry for the next few weeks after that :D but damn, it really does make me feel better.

Finished reading Deathly Hallows again at 3 a.m. I can read that book over and over again.

I HATE WASTING TIME!

too much love will kill ya and you won't understand why

Something is wrong this time and I have no idea what it is. Knew that since the moment the plane landed in Tehran and I didn't feel a thing. 

Anyway...holidays...it's a relaxing time after all that school and exam and drama and stressful times. Everything's better here. I'm not really a family lover but I enjoy the family gatherings and nope I can't wait for Yalda xD It's gonna be huge! It's weird and it's good that I never missed it for a year. It's always huge. It's always at my grandma's. With a LOT of people. 

I'm really honestly happy for them. To hell with my own problem, they're cute together. They're strong together. But then again I just wanna fast forward life and see who's gonna be mine. Nobody. LOL

I know I'm not obsessed with a song anymore when it loses its magic. I'm gonna miss Sail Away! 

Once upon a time we had a place to call hoMe

I'm gonna update this a lot while I'm here - I want to record every single thing of my time here, and well, I've got nothing else to do since there's nothing much I can do here.

So, today I finally got to see some of my friends, it was so effing cold! Then when I got home I had this allergy attack because I was holding some cats in the park :D My eyes are still red and scary. Got to take awesome photos with family, too. Never liked being a photographer but it's part of my plan to capture every moment here. I want to feel good when I see them back in Malaysia, when I miss home so much that I just cry like shit. It helps. 

And...there was something about this meeting today, I don't know...maybe I was wrong, but I felt like a total stranger there. Maybe only one or two of them were really glad to see me. I felt very awkward and I wasn't even myself, I was nervous and I acted like a stupid girl. :| I was only comfortable around Wisy and Melik :D Because they ARE my friends. I can still be paranoid but I've a feeling that the rest totally hate me. Or I'm annoying. Or something like that. 

Anyway...that's a part of not having a home. I'm a stranger here, I'm a stranger there. Life sucks. 

Remember when we swore we'd never fall?

So I'm finally here.
And I'm mad at myself.
Because I don't feel excited, I don't get heart beats, I don't feel anything...
And then I have to remind myself, hey, this is the place you dreamed of every night, where you wish you were forever. WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU? o.O

Love the coldness though. Love my cat. Love the family time. Love the life :)

P.S: Currently obsessed with The Rasmus.

You'll stay...I'll sail away

Just wanna go hoMe...

SO sleepy.
Haven't slept for 24 hours and been out all day.
So sleepy that I don't feel like writing all the stuff that has happened these days. And they are CRAZY stuff.
Maybe I'll do that when I'm bored, locked up in the house, nothing else to do...

I'm going home. :)
In a few hours.
<3

P.S: I HATE FLYING!!!!!
P.S 2: I'll miss Aleksander so much. I already do. :(

Read between the lineS

Eveything's a bit better.
And I really have to thank you for finally making me realize how low I got myself for you.
Anyway...I'm REALLY TRULY TOTALLY FINALLY over it, and you know how can I tell? I don't get a freaking heart beat when I see his name or himself. Don't even wanna see him before I go. Don't wanna see those two faced 'friends' too. She left me when she knew I needed her more than ever, and I gave a lot of myself to stay with her and now I realize she didn't DESERVE it. It's enough...I'll come back stronger in 2011. :)  And you can call me a selfish bitch but I am going to put myself before anyone else, anything else. At the end, the only one you can count on is yourself, no matter how many people you think you have. They can all leave you in a second. I have to have myself's back, don't you think?

Today me and Shannon went to Rebekah's house! It was awesome. She has these three lovely cats, Hero, Cow and the other one's name I've forgotten :p I just couldn't get enough of them! And then we had this nice spicy dinner that I managed to finish even though the chili in it was killing me and I had tears in my eyes, hehe. I don't know how they handle the spicy-ness! o.O

Going to straighten my hair permanently (or rebounding as they say in Malaysia.) tomorrow. Honestly, I'm gonna miss my curls, but it'll make everything so much easier. I tried fighting it but I finally gave up, my hair type can't stay good in such a humid place like Malaysia, so if I don't want frizzy hair, have to straighten it...I'm looking forward to it: D

P.S:

My shadow is the only one that walks beside me
My shallow heart is the only thing that's beating
Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me
'Til then, I'll walk aloNe. 

Glowing dim as an amber

It's 05:27 in the morning, I've stayed up all night and I'll be going to school for the last time today to get my report card.

I don't know what happened to me again. I'm SHAKING with tears. It's like, I keep it locked there, perfectly hidden, and then it needs a trigger and BOOM! It's out, it's violently out. I don't know what's wrong with me! I know it's not good to write when you're in an extreme condition like this cause you'll say things you'll regret but I can't help it I have to get it out and well after all it's my freaking personal weblog no matter how nonsense it's in it, it's mine.

Why can't I just have somebody, what the hell is wrong with me? I know I'm not hot or something but that's not the reason, it amazes me how people can easily be together, and how hard everything is for me, I'm tired, I'm sick and tired of this, I smashed my pride for something that I thought was worth it but it wasn't, and now I've lost everything, IT SUCKS, I'm freaking crying like hell now and it makes me angry because I let myself be weak and I hate it, I wish I could just get a grip and pretend nothing's happened... I WANT to, and I'm trying, but whenever it starts getting better and I think it's finally worked, something else happens again. I'm tired of following, maybe it's their turn to follow me, I'm tired of smashing my pride like that, I want my ego back. I feel disgusted with myself. He ruined basically everything I used to be.

ENOUGH OF THE BULLSHIT.

Today (practically yesterday) was the Christmas assembly. I sang Once Upon A December with Lilian. And it doesn't help a thing, actually it's a negative thing cause I feel really awful singing next to HER, she has this amazing voice and of course the whole school was watching and they'll compare me to her and all that stuff.

And then there was this after school fight Shannon and Hamza had, I really can't have more stuff to make me worse at the moment. I don't want my friends fighting. It's the worst feeling in the world. When Alireza and Shannon had a fight it was awful, I forced her to make up for that.

Can't wait for Iran. I need to get outta here for a while...too much drama.

P.S: Sugababes' Too Lost In You can make me cry. Duh.
P.S 2: I've started this fruits diet which sucks but I should stick to it cause I feel so FAT.