Hurricane.

I guess it's finally time to write about the craziest thing that has ever happened in my life so far. I feel strange tonight, and this is where I write all of the craziness away.

Two months. Doesn't seem like a long time, but it's been a lifetime.

This is not something that I'd planned for, this is not something that could possibly be predicted. This is just so damn crazy and extraordinary. Destiny. Yeah it's THAT bad.

I can sense the awful days that will follow up, but for now I'd like to embrace the craziness and enjoy the ride.

Ugh I can't even write about it properly...

This one's for Cory.

Yesterday I woke up to some awful news - Glee's Cory Monteith was found dead in his hotel room. I couldn't take it, I kept thinking THIS CAN'T BE. It was kinda surreal.

I've seen other stars dying young and I didn't really care - yeah I  was sad for a while and that was it - and I never thought myself as a Gleek, but I guess I am one after all. I've watched the show since it started in 2009 and I have tons of memories with it. I'm not sure what will happen to Glee now, but it sure as hell won't be the same without him. This is so hard for everyone. He was just too young to die.

I can't even imagine how his girlfriend must be feeling right now, this is awful. :-/

like a hole in my heart

They say time can heal the pain
Sometimes you win, sometimes you lose
And I guess I'm just a fool, I keep holding on to you...

Class of '13

We graduated from college yesterday!

CIMP taught me to be more social, more outspoken, more involved and it was a great transformation from high school to adult life. I met so many awesome people and I experienced many amazing things (Broga trip will always shine in my memory! :P) and I'm grateful for that.

 And I'm grateful for my parents - CIMP wasn't really cheap but they did it anyway because they wanted the best for me. And I wish I could say that I paid them back but no, I honestly didn't...and it's all my fault, I overestimated myself and I chose subjects that I wasn't really good at just to have 'more science' in my diploma and that's where I was wrong. I should have stuck to what I'm really good at, Biology & Chemistry and Advanced Functions were 'enough sciences' but I chose Physics and Calculus too just in case even though I'm not particularly good at them...and it was a huge mistake, it brought my average down and that's one of the biggest regrets of my life. But oh well, no use in regretting it right now...again, this will be a big lesson for the rest of my life. I will always go for something that I like not something that I feel like I'll have to do.

Graduation was crazy and surreal and sad and exciting at the same time...I guess we can all finally believe it and accept the fact that we're done with it, that we're officially 'grown ups' now. I don't feel like a teenager anymore, like this was the final one...so congratulations Setareh, I just sincerely hope that you won't lose the craziness and turn into a boring adult.

Me and Mr.Futa - it was an honour to be in the last batch that had him as CIMP's director. 

Born to die

Today (well technically yesterday) I had an appointment with my dermatologist. She kept saying the usual things, that I should take care of my skin and apply the creams as she's instructed and 'not scratch' (are you f***ing kiddin' me?! who tells an Eczema sufferer to not scratch?!) and blah blah blah. This time I didn't even try to play nice and smile and pretend like she's right. I told her straightaway that they don't work at this point, the reaction is too severe and I need something powerful to restart the whole thing again, it's too late for maintenance. But no, she didn't think it was necessary. She said she can give me steroids right away but it's not gonna be good for me in the long term and I'm gonna regret it later. What, you think I don't know that? You think I LIKE to take 6 tablets a day, suppress my immune system and expose myself to potential infections? NO. But you don't know how it feels like. She said the side effects are gonna get me when I hit 40 or something and I told her that I don't wanna live like this. I'd happily agree to die when I'm 30 if it means that I'm gonna live like a normal person when I'm still young. And it was true. It's a genetic curse and there's no cure, so I might as well just enjoy my time while I can.

So I begged her to give me steroids, she finally gave up and prescribed me some. The initial dose is quite high (20 mg of Prednisone per day) but I'll decrease it gradually. I took it less than six hours ago and I FEEL AMAZING. I haven't felt like this is months now. The rashes are disappearing, my face looks normal again and it's gonna get even better. I wouldn't trade this for anything. Hell, I'd  be happy to cut off 20 years of my life if that's the price I have to pay for being normal.

I'm not even sorry for ranting here :P
It's something that only the unlucky sufferers will understand and sometimes it gets frustrating when others don't understand how severe and life changing it can be. I haven't had proper sleep for almost two weeks now because of the constant itch at nights and the pain from all the scars. It sucks.

And once again, why does it have to be me?
Well we have an answer here! Because my dad's mom had a mild form of this and passed me the gene. It skipped a whole generation (four children) and my nine other cousins and got me! Yay. Not.

This is really motivating me to study my ass off and research and try to find a genetic cure for this shit or at least diagnose it before birth so the parents can decide if they want to deal with hell for the rest of their lives. Just like how they have the choice to abort a baby with Down syndrome. Yes it's THAT bad.

I've never been a quitter, but I do deserve better...

Our lives are too tangled, I don't dare to try and break free 'cause then there maybe nothing left of me...

I hate this, I want my independence back. 

Right now I'm with you for all the wrong reasons and it's not fair to anyone. 

I can't really talk to anyone 'cuz I feel like I'm bothering those few friends I have left and the paranoia is stronger than ever. 

You know something's seriously wrong with me when I'm actually really looking forward to going back to that hell. 

At least it takes the emptiness away. 

"My life has got to be like this...it's got to keep going on."

Yesterday was the last day of classes and CIMP will be officially over in less than a week. I know I haven't written much about college life here but as always I'm here to be sad about an ending! Typical me.

I admit that I had more fun in semester one and it was kinda magical to be free from school rules and be on your own and decide things for yourself. Subjects were obviously harder but the freedom helped to not care about that and just try our best. I used to loath chemistry in high school but it was one of my favorite subjects in college...sometimes I wonder what would have happened to me if I'd studied in Sunway International School instead of Sayfol. Meh. Can't change THAT now.

There are things that I regret about this semester - taking Calculus and taking period 2...who am I kidding, I ain't a morning person! - not taking the subjects that I actually liked and was interested in (FAMILIES AND INDIVIDUALS, DING DING!) and some other things. But it doesn't matter now, it just helps me to change and from now on I will choose the things that I FEEL are right for me and not the things that are supposed to be right for me. This was a huge lesson but I'm glad I had to pay for it in college and not university...haha.

I've always had that annoying procrastinator inside me but lately she's been taking over my life. It's like I'm paralyzed...it's not even just laziness anymore. I keep postponing tasks and doing everything in the last minute because I don't even wanna think about the task. I can't even mentally accept it and start to plan things...it's like my mind just blocks everything. I'm scared. It's like a black monster smothering me. It's so bad that it disgusts me, and it's getting worse and worse each day. Next week my final exams start and I can't afford to mess them up. I keep telling myself that, but it's like I can't care about it anymore. Too much pressure, too much stress...It's like I'm a rubber band that has reached its elastic limit. The past few months have been crazy for me, all the responsibilities and the stress and these toxic thoughts have consumed me and the return of my horrible chronic eczema doesn't help either. I know I've experienced worse (summer of 2009, anyone?) but this feels like one of the lowest points of my life.

I really don't wanna relate this to my eczema but after researching I've realized that it's proven that the psychological effects of this disease can actually be worse than the physical ones. The everyday struggle to cover things up, to try and look normal, to keep looking for long sleeved shirts and sticking to long pants all the time...and when it attacks my face I just feel miserable. I just wanna stay in my room and not face anyone, I feel like a beast. I'm really grateful to have someone by my side who doesn't care about how horrible I look when I have one of those attacks and still loves me anyway, he makes me feel beautiful, I don't how could I possibly handle it without his support.

I've been crying a lot lately over this. And the one thing that pops in my head everytime is 'why does it have to be me?'. The sad thing about eczema is that it's not that bad that it kills you like cancer, and it's never too good to feel normal. It's some hell in between and nobody but you can understand how it feels like to suffer from it.

I need some time to get away. I'm thinking about going back to Iran for a few weeks or months just to get relief...Malaysia's weather is toxic to my condition. And I wanna go back to get some peace, away from all the books and assignments and projects. My parents have actually offered me to take a few months off and start university in January '14 intake instead of this September to rest and recover. At first I thought it's crazy, how can I just miss 6 months off? I need to start as fast as I possibly can! But then it hit me - maybe I really do need a break. Maybe the reason for all of this is that I started college right after finishing high school with no time in between, and CIMP is a course that requires constants work throughout the year...you can't just chill and start studying right before the finals.

I'm still deciding. The logical me still thinks that it's such a crazy idea and even though resting may sound good I will regret it, that staying in Iran for more than a month is not something I can handle.
And the side that feels things thinks this might not be that bad, as long as I can come back whenever I want. Honestly I'm scared of staying there for too long because I will feel trapped. My freedom is something that I can't live without for too long.

p.s: Watched Great Gatsby last night, it was amazing...

You Can Let Go

I know I've been ditching this blog for Twitter for more than a year now...it's not cool at all. But my English Twitter account is kind of like a mini version of this blog without the hassle of convincing my lazy self to open blogspot and actually write in here, and my followers (the audience!) are way more interacting than the people who peek into this blog just to see how my life is. And well...Twitter is just awesome! It's a sad fact that social networking websites have replaced old fashion blogging, but it's true.

So there's somethings that I can't write about in Twitter or Facebook - people just won't understand or they'll be like "So what?" This blog is like my diary and no one can complain about me writing about me and my feelings and my thoughts all the time lol. I'm not self-centered (not THAT much!) but I keep writing about myself and how I feel because I need to do that in order to understand myself. This sounds cliche and boring but I have another side of me that I don't fully understand. I have a massive amount of 'feelings' that I keep locked in a room somewhere and I've shut the door. Occasionally, I lose control and a tiny bit of it overflows everything gets so messy. I don't know how to handle them or how to safely show other people how I feel. It all gets so crazy. But I've learned that writing about it makes me control it and recognize it.

When I was younger, way younger than this, events and dates were so important for me.  In an obsessive way. I cared so much about everything, I'd start planning for birthdays and new years a few months before they actually happened (I remember making birthday invitation cards in summer - my birthday is in January) I'd get all excited about it and it HAD to be perfect. I had such high expectations that I'd mostly ruin them for myself (a major reason why I hate how I'd spent my birthdays in the past five years). It sucked. I'd be so excited for something, couldn't sleep the night before it cause I was day dreaming, and when it finally happened I just couldn't live in the moment, I kept thinking about when it'd be all over and how depressed I'll feel after it's over. This usually made me be grumpy in the parties and celebrations and snap at people or just go somewhere quiet and cry. What the hell was wrong with me? I'd be so excited planning it and when the actual thing happened seeing all the people around me having a good time made me depressed. The bigger the crowd, the more I felt awful about myself. da faq?

The last time it happened was my high school graduation. Don't even get me started on how freaking excited I was for this. We were finally done with high school and all of the people I'd spent four years with were gonna be there, even the people who had bullied me in year nine because I was overweight and had skin problems. I HAD to look good. I HAD to impress people. All my teachers, my friends' parents, EVERYONE. I really feel bad for my mom now cause I made a hell out of my life a few weeks before graduation. I started looking for the perfect dress and different hair styles, got super expensive heels (M&S nude high heels, never used them again after that night) and was obsessed with imagining how everything will turn out.

I don't even need to write what happened. It was one of the worst nights of my life, totally ruined just like my make up because of all the stupid tears. I had a fight with him cause he had to leave early. I remember when the night was almost over I was sitting somewhere looking at the dance floor where all of my school mates were dancing without a care in the world and I was sobbing. I was angry. I'd managed to ruin yet another night for myself.

So...I started 'switching it off'. Since then I just can't care about anything cuz if I let myself care my obsession will be back. I hate special days and events now, I wish we could all be living normal boring tiring college days without holidays and celebrations. I just don't have any feelings about anything big anymore. My birthday felt just like another day, New Year's Eve was just another usual night for me and now that Persian New Year's coming up I should keep it up the way it is. I just can't start thinking about why I'm not gonna be in Iran, why I can't spend it with my family there, why doesn't it feel as magical as it did when I was a child, and why I'm not excited about it or planning for it. I'm just faintly happy about it. It's always a happy time.