When I'll look back at my posts here, it's because I wanna know how was I doin in that period of time. Well, for the past week everything's been alright, and dare I say more than alright. It was going great until the stupid atopic eczema (that I'm dealing with since age two...) came back and it attacked harder, this time on my face and my eyes. It sucks. I've always said I love life too much to end it but I really understand how dark a depression caused by this can be, well at least now I'm not all alone in my room in KL but when that'll happen, I understand how ending your own life seems like a very pleasant option compared to what my body goes through, it's like how I prefer the pain to the itch. And no I'm not making a big deal out of a chronic disease..it'll always be 'why me?!' and it has no cure and I'm just so sick and tired of it. Oh well...
But apart from that, I've had a pretty good week, maybe the best one since I came here. Hell yea it's because my dad is back :-j when he lost his faith in me I lost it in mine too. Now that he believes in me again I gained it back as well. It's like the future shines so bright, it's like I can do whatever I desire. It's like I'm powerful. It's like I have a plan for my life again and this gives me a reason to wake up with a passion everyday. I'm just so different from that disappointing girl I've had become in these past months. Don't know if it makes sense lol.
Two weeks from now school starts for the last time. I know I'll miss it, I already do. I'm probably the only one who can't sleep the night before because she's too excited all her life, since I started school. Probably the only one who misses school because of the subjects and the teachers and the rules and not friends. I know I'm so gonna miss that. And this will be the last first day of school.
After that, I've a lot of plans. But one thing for sure is that I'll leave Malaysia, just because of its weather...I really can't stand it anymore. When I'm away from the humid hot weather I realize the difference. I'll probably go somewhere real cold :D I like Canada. I won't even have to learn Norwegian and well a lot of my cousins are there lol.
I know I won't miss leaving Tehran this time.
p.s: havin a series of nightmares this week. dunno what the hell's wrong with my head...
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
Monday, August 15, 2011
to make my demons run
It's finally getting better! And I'm so damn sure that it's because the days that I have to count are shrinking :)
20 more days or so and it doesn't seem long at all compared to this 40 days I've been through. My dad and bro will be here in a few hours and I'm kinda excited.
Yesterday I went out, taste of freedom was awesome :P
I've no reason to be so hyper and happy but I am :D
Even though we had this stupid argument last night.
Can't bring me down xD
p.s: Metallica's awesome.
20 more days or so and it doesn't seem long at all compared to this 40 days I've been through. My dad and bro will be here in a few hours and I'm kinda excited.
Yesterday I went out, taste of freedom was awesome :P
I've no reason to be so hyper and happy but I am :D
Even though we had this stupid argument last night.
Can't bring me down xD
p.s: Metallica's awesome.
Wednesday, August 10, 2011
The door is closed, so are your eyes
What I really want these days is one peaceful night when I can actually fall asleep earlier than six in the morning, and be awake in those awesome morning hours. But everything's messed up and so is my sleeping habits these days. These weeks. This freaking month.
So obsessed with Metallica's The Unforgiven II! o.O It's one of those tracks that can make you enjoy music like a drug, and well the minute I heard the chorus again it just reminded me of some blur moments when I was way younger and my dad put it on. I'm really thankful about this kind of stuff...he made me get used to awesome music since my very first years.
Seeing her again was good, reminded me that there are still a few people that I can be myself around them, without pretending to be anything else, and be accepted just the way I am. It was like all those months had never happened. There are just some people in your life that no matter how much you try to hate them or erase them from your life, they just won't go or you just can't stop loving them. And it's not even in your control :D
Sepeher is really leaving for good...I know he's gonna have a hell of a fun living in U.S.A but still, he was one of the very first few friends that I made in school, like two years ago now. He was the first person I could actually trust in that hell, and one of the few mature boys who aren't shallow or stupid or disgusting. I'm gonna miss him so much. And the most stupid part is the fact that, for the rest of my life, the last time I saw him will be the last final exam (FREAKING CHEMISTRY!) after they changed his seat for joking with me in the exam hall xD I didn't know it's gonna be the last time. I had no idea. :| I didn't know I'd get too busy to see him again and I didn't know that my two months stay in Iran will make me miss the chance for a real goodbye.
Yet another reason for me to hate being in this black place.
p.s: it's tomorrow. I still feel like I could pass without seeing them. I saw the people that mattered to me and I wanted to actually see already. Don't need to fake some more smiles..
So obsessed with Metallica's The Unforgiven II! o.O It's one of those tracks that can make you enjoy music like a drug, and well the minute I heard the chorus again it just reminded me of some blur moments when I was way younger and my dad put it on. I'm really thankful about this kind of stuff...he made me get used to awesome music since my very first years.
Seeing her again was good, reminded me that there are still a few people that I can be myself around them, without pretending to be anything else, and be accepted just the way I am. It was like all those months had never happened. There are just some people in your life that no matter how much you try to hate them or erase them from your life, they just won't go or you just can't stop loving them. And it's not even in your control :D
Sepeher is really leaving for good...I know he's gonna have a hell of a fun living in U.S.A but still, he was one of the very first few friends that I made in school, like two years ago now. He was the first person I could actually trust in that hell, and one of the few mature boys who aren't shallow or stupid or disgusting. I'm gonna miss him so much. And the most stupid part is the fact that, for the rest of my life, the last time I saw him will be the last final exam (FREAKING CHEMISTRY!) after they changed his seat for joking with me in the exam hall xD I didn't know it's gonna be the last time. I had no idea. :| I didn't know I'd get too busy to see him again and I didn't know that my two months stay in Iran will make me miss the chance for a real goodbye.
Yet another reason for me to hate being in this black place.
p.s: it's tomorrow. I still feel like I could pass without seeing them. I saw the people that mattered to me and I wanted to actually see already. Don't need to fake some more smiles..
Tuesday, August 9, 2011
I Used To Be Someone Happy
Have to admit that things are a bit better, lol. Still feels like wasting my time but now I try to enjoy it instead of thinking about things that I could do if I was back in KL. I try to see this awful summer as an awesome holiday...at least I sleep for loooong hours to make up for all that school days that I had to wake up at five something in the morning.
Coming back here used to be magical, but it isn't anymore. Maybe I should really stop coming back every six months or so :D I've never experienced not being here for one whole year. The longest was eight months and lmao that's awful! I should try to not come back for a while. One year or two years or maybe more?! I dunno. I'll be older then. I can decide things. [I'LL BE AN ADULT!:))))] finally.
So today, after three years I could finally came back to the house I grew up in. The new people were nice, I liked them a lot. My old room now belongs to a ten years old girl. The yard is still full of kittens :) It still felt like home, it still reminded me of too many memories. Every corner I looked at made some ghost like younger versions of me appear there, just like it's still back then, like in the movies :D It was sad.. then I saw a fourteen years old me talking on the phone for hours with him, I saw a ten years old me having a silly birthday party, I saw the eight years old me reading Harry Potter books for the first time on that old rocky chair, and I saw a twelve years old me adoring Backstreet Boys :D It was so weird. Like it wasn't my home anymore but it still felt like it was. Ugh I should stop writing about stupid stuff.
I know I'm getting paranoid, but what if the distance (for yet ANOTHER month :| ) drifts us apart?
I know it's stupid. But all day long, I keep thinking about him, and I wonder if he does too. I wonder if he suffers as much. I wonder if it's that important to him or not. Sometimes I just wish he'd read this blog so I didn't have to explain why am I acting this way, but then again there are just too many honest stuff here for him to read :D
Pretty sure my parents read it too. Scary huh? Maybe they're not.
P.S: It's on Wednesday but I'm not even sure if I wanna see them anymore...
Coming back here used to be magical, but it isn't anymore. Maybe I should really stop coming back every six months or so :D I've never experienced not being here for one whole year. The longest was eight months and lmao that's awful! I should try to not come back for a while. One year or two years or maybe more?! I dunno. I'll be older then. I can decide things. [I'LL BE AN ADULT!:))))] finally.
So today, after three years I could finally came back to the house I grew up in. The new people were nice, I liked them a lot. My old room now belongs to a ten years old girl. The yard is still full of kittens :) It still felt like home, it still reminded me of too many memories. Every corner I looked at made some ghost like younger versions of me appear there, just like it's still back then, like in the movies :D It was sad.. then I saw a fourteen years old me talking on the phone for hours with him, I saw a ten years old me having a silly birthday party, I saw the eight years old me reading Harry Potter books for the first time on that old rocky chair, and I saw a twelve years old me adoring Backstreet Boys :D It was so weird. Like it wasn't my home anymore but it still felt like it was. Ugh I should stop writing about stupid stuff.
I know I'm getting paranoid, but what if the distance (for yet ANOTHER month :| ) drifts us apart?
I know it's stupid. But all day long, I keep thinking about him, and I wonder if he does too. I wonder if he suffers as much. I wonder if it's that important to him or not. Sometimes I just wish he'd read this blog so I didn't have to explain why am I acting this way, but then again there are just too many honest stuff here for him to read :D
Pretty sure my parents read it too. Scary huh? Maybe they're not.
P.S: It's on Wednesday but I'm not even sure if I wanna see them anymore...
Thursday, August 4, 2011
a home full of strangers...
So many bad things happening at the same time and when it happens, everything goes outta my control and it gets messy and I'll be confused...so imma sort them out here to see what the hell's exactly wrong. It could be just my usual summer depression (happens every single year in August) but I have pretty good reasons as well...
I'm mad and sad and scared at the same time and feeling like this life sucks more than ever.
I'm really sorry to say this but I hate every single moment of being here and I still have ONE MORE MONTH to go and it just seems like a nightmare. What hurts more than having my basic freedom taken away from me here is little by little understanding the fact that your friends just don't give a shit about you, when I was sooo excited just to see them once more and I also wrote that here that I think of them everyday and I miss all of them. It really sucks.
And my best friend for so many years seems to have replaced me with one of my friends, they go out without me and they don't tell me anything, they do everything together and I'm not included anymore and it just hurts but I just have to accept that friendships aren't forever. You get close to someone and everything's great, you feel like you can't live one more day without talking to them anymore, you feel like they understand you without trying and well, you understand them too. It's so natural and comfortable and BOOM! something happens or sometimes it doesn't and you just fall apart without even actually saying goodbye. For some people the honeymoon period is longer and for some shorter, but it will eventually happen...I really wish it didn't. I tried to not believe it. But it's happened too many time to me and each time it's getting harder to ignore this one bitter rule of friendship.
After a few years of struggling to have a normal friendship with an ex he came back again, wanting me back...and I knew that I didn't have to think about it to say no. I'm not that kind of girl to cheat when her guy's not around. But then he handled it badly, and I guess all that effort for a after-break up - friendship were for nothing now and it's gone. And it bothers me. It wasn't my choice.
I have nothing to do here...I wanna go back. Back in KL my friends are planning a trip to Genting, Pascale is all alone there as well, we could have chilled...and Shannon will be back by 16th, and Alex too, and just all the good stuff will be in August. It doesn't matter that I missed watching HP7 in 3D anymore. :D There are greater stuff. There is one whole month that I could use to be with the people I love and the people who love me back, not being stuck in a super hot and sad country full of people that hate me but I thought they'd want to see me after all. I feel like being wasted away here. They don't even realize it but after being outta it for a while I realize how even breathing in here for a few weeks will make you indifferent to everything...you hear bad new, worse each day, and you just can't feel anything anymore. People are numb here.
I used to love coming back, but now it's all so different. Maybe you really shouldn't try to replan doing all the good things that's happened before unplanned, it just can't work out. My life, my room is in Malaysia now. My 'friends', my school, things that I care for..everything important in my life is there. There's a heavy hatred flowing in here.
Now all that said, I just should point the fact out that I'm not hating my country or trying to say that I'm sooo different and cool and khareji and blah blah blah, it's just that I don't belong here anymore. None us do, when we leave to live somewhere else, you can't really come back and try to relive your past life in Iran. I love my country, I really do, but it just doesn't have a place for me anymore.
I'm mad and sad and scared at the same time and feeling like this life sucks more than ever.
I'm really sorry to say this but I hate every single moment of being here and I still have ONE MORE MONTH to go and it just seems like a nightmare. What hurts more than having my basic freedom taken away from me here is little by little understanding the fact that your friends just don't give a shit about you, when I was sooo excited just to see them once more and I also wrote that here that I think of them everyday and I miss all of them. It really sucks.
And my best friend for so many years seems to have replaced me with one of my friends, they go out without me and they don't tell me anything, they do everything together and I'm not included anymore and it just hurts but I just have to accept that friendships aren't forever. You get close to someone and everything's great, you feel like you can't live one more day without talking to them anymore, you feel like they understand you without trying and well, you understand them too. It's so natural and comfortable and BOOM! something happens or sometimes it doesn't and you just fall apart without even actually saying goodbye. For some people the honeymoon period is longer and for some shorter, but it will eventually happen...I really wish it didn't. I tried to not believe it. But it's happened too many time to me and each time it's getting harder to ignore this one bitter rule of friendship.
After a few years of struggling to have a normal friendship with an ex he came back again, wanting me back...and I knew that I didn't have to think about it to say no. I'm not that kind of girl to cheat when her guy's not around. But then he handled it badly, and I guess all that effort for a after-break up - friendship were for nothing now and it's gone. And it bothers me. It wasn't my choice.
I have nothing to do here...I wanna go back. Back in KL my friends are planning a trip to Genting, Pascale is all alone there as well, we could have chilled...and Shannon will be back by 16th, and Alex too, and just all the good stuff will be in August. It doesn't matter that I missed watching HP7 in 3D anymore. :D There are greater stuff. There is one whole month that I could use to be with the people I love and the people who love me back, not being stuck in a super hot and sad country full of people that hate me but I thought they'd want to see me after all. I feel like being wasted away here. They don't even realize it but after being outta it for a while I realize how even breathing in here for a few weeks will make you indifferent to everything...you hear bad new, worse each day, and you just can't feel anything anymore. People are numb here.
I used to love coming back, but now it's all so different. Maybe you really shouldn't try to replan doing all the good things that's happened before unplanned, it just can't work out. My life, my room is in Malaysia now. My 'friends', my school, things that I care for..everything important in my life is there. There's a heavy hatred flowing in here.
Now all that said, I just should point the fact out that I'm not hating my country or trying to say that I'm sooo different and cool and khareji and blah blah blah, it's just that I don't belong here anymore. None us do, when we leave to live somewhere else, you can't really come back and try to relive your past life in Iran. I love my country, I really do, but it just doesn't have a place for me anymore.
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