like a hole in my heart

They say time can heal the pain
Sometimes you win, sometimes you lose
And I guess I'm just a fool, I keep holding on to you...

Class of '13

We graduated from college yesterday!

CIMP taught me to be more social, more outspoken, more involved and it was a great transformation from high school to adult life. I met so many awesome people and I experienced many amazing things (Broga trip will always shine in my memory! :P) and I'm grateful for that.

 And I'm grateful for my parents - CIMP wasn't really cheap but they did it anyway because they wanted the best for me. And I wish I could say that I paid them back but no, I honestly didn't...and it's all my fault, I overestimated myself and I chose subjects that I wasn't really good at just to have 'more science' in my diploma and that's where I was wrong. I should have stuck to what I'm really good at, Biology & Chemistry and Advanced Functions were 'enough sciences' but I chose Physics and Calculus too just in case even though I'm not particularly good at them...and it was a huge mistake, it brought my average down and that's one of the biggest regrets of my life. But oh well, no use in regretting it right now...again, this will be a big lesson for the rest of my life. I will always go for something that I like not something that I feel like I'll have to do.

Graduation was crazy and surreal and sad and exciting at the same time...I guess we can all finally believe it and accept the fact that we're done with it, that we're officially 'grown ups' now. I don't feel like a teenager anymore, like this was the final one...so congratulations Setareh, I just sincerely hope that you won't lose the craziness and turn into a boring adult.

Me and Mr.Futa - it was an honour to be in the last batch that had him as CIMP's director. 

Born to die

Today (well technically yesterday) I had an appointment with my dermatologist. She kept saying the usual things, that I should take care of my skin and apply the creams as she's instructed and 'not scratch' (are you f***ing kiddin' me?! who tells an Eczema sufferer to not scratch?!) and blah blah blah. This time I didn't even try to play nice and smile and pretend like she's right. I told her straightaway that they don't work at this point, the reaction is too severe and I need something powerful to restart the whole thing again, it's too late for maintenance. But no, she didn't think it was necessary. She said she can give me steroids right away but it's not gonna be good for me in the long term and I'm gonna regret it later. What, you think I don't know that? You think I LIKE to take 6 tablets a day, suppress my immune system and expose myself to potential infections? NO. But you don't know how it feels like. She said the side effects are gonna get me when I hit 40 or something and I told her that I don't wanna live like this. I'd happily agree to die when I'm 30 if it means that I'm gonna live like a normal person when I'm still young. And it was true. It's a genetic curse and there's no cure, so I might as well just enjoy my time while I can.

So I begged her to give me steroids, she finally gave up and prescribed me some. The initial dose is quite high (20 mg of Prednisone per day) but I'll decrease it gradually. I took it less than six hours ago and I FEEL AMAZING. I haven't felt like this is months now. The rashes are disappearing, my face looks normal again and it's gonna get even better. I wouldn't trade this for anything. Hell, I'd  be happy to cut off 20 years of my life if that's the price I have to pay for being normal.

I'm not even sorry for ranting here :P
It's something that only the unlucky sufferers will understand and sometimes it gets frustrating when others don't understand how severe and life changing it can be. I haven't had proper sleep for almost two weeks now because of the constant itch at nights and the pain from all the scars. It sucks.

And once again, why does it have to be me?
Well we have an answer here! Because my dad's mom had a mild form of this and passed me the gene. It skipped a whole generation (four children) and my nine other cousins and got me! Yay. Not.

This is really motivating me to study my ass off and research and try to find a genetic cure for this shit or at least diagnose it before birth so the parents can decide if they want to deal with hell for the rest of their lives. Just like how they have the choice to abort a baby with Down syndrome. Yes it's THAT bad.

I've never been a quitter, but I do deserve better...

Our lives are too tangled, I don't dare to try and break free 'cause then there maybe nothing left of me...

I hate this, I want my independence back. 

Right now I'm with you for all the wrong reasons and it's not fair to anyone. 

I can't really talk to anyone 'cuz I feel like I'm bothering those few friends I have left and the paranoia is stronger than ever. 

You know something's seriously wrong with me when I'm actually really looking forward to going back to that hell. 

At least it takes the emptiness away.