Yesterday was the last day of classes and CIMP will be officially over in less than a week. I know I haven't written much about college life here but as always I'm here to be sad about an ending! Typical me.
I admit that I had more fun in semester one and it was kinda magical to be free from school rules and be on your own and decide things for yourself. Subjects were obviously harder but the freedom helped to not care about that and just try our best. I used to loath chemistry in high school but it was one of my favorite subjects in college...sometimes I wonder what would have happened to me if I'd studied in Sunway International School instead of Sayfol. Meh. Can't change THAT now.
There are things that I regret about this semester - taking Calculus and taking period 2...who am I kidding, I ain't a morning person! - not taking the subjects that I actually liked and was interested in (FAMILIES AND INDIVIDUALS, DING DING!) and some other things. But it doesn't matter now, it just helps me to change and from now on I will choose the things that I FEEL are right for me and not the things that are supposed to be right for me. This was a huge lesson but I'm glad I had to pay for it in college and not university...haha.
I've always had that annoying procrastinator inside me but lately she's been taking over my life. It's like I'm paralyzed...it's not even just laziness anymore. I keep postponing tasks and doing everything in the last minute because I don't even wanna think about the task. I can't even mentally accept it and start to plan things...it's like my mind just blocks everything. I'm scared. It's like a black monster smothering me. It's so bad that it disgusts me, and it's getting worse and worse each day. Next week my final exams start and I can't afford to mess them up. I keep telling myself that, but it's like I can't care about it anymore. Too much pressure, too much stress...It's like I'm a rubber band that has reached its elastic limit. The past few months have been crazy for me, all the responsibilities and the stress and these toxic thoughts have consumed me and the return of my horrible chronic eczema doesn't help either. I know I've experienced worse (summer of 2009, anyone?) but this feels like one of the lowest points of my life.
I really don't wanna relate this to my eczema but after researching I've realized that it's proven that the psychological effects of this disease can actually be worse than the physical ones. The everyday struggle to cover things up, to try and look normal, to keep looking for long sleeved shirts and sticking to long pants all the time...and when it attacks my face I just feel miserable. I just wanna stay in my room and not face anyone, I feel like a beast. I'm really grateful to have someone by my side who doesn't care about how horrible I look when I have one of those attacks and still loves me anyway, he makes me feel beautiful, I don't how could I possibly handle it without his support.
I've been crying a lot lately over this. And the one thing that pops in my head everytime is 'why does it have to be me?'. The sad thing about eczema is that it's not that bad that it kills you like cancer, and it's never too good to feel normal. It's some hell in between and nobody but you can understand how it feels like to suffer from it.
I need some time to get away. I'm thinking about going back to Iran for a few weeks or months just to get relief...Malaysia's weather is toxic to my condition. And I wanna go back to get some peace, away from all the books and assignments and projects. My parents have actually offered me to take a few months off and start university in January '14 intake instead of this September to rest and recover. At first I thought it's crazy, how can I just miss 6 months off? I need to start as fast as I possibly can! But then it hit me - maybe I really do need a break. Maybe the reason for all of this is that I started college right after finishing high school with no time in between, and CIMP is a course that requires constants work throughout the year...you can't just chill and start studying right before the finals.
I'm still deciding. The logical me still thinks that it's such a crazy idea and even though resting may sound good I will regret it, that staying in Iran for more than a month is not something I can handle.
And the side that feels things thinks this might not be that bad, as long as I can come back whenever I want. Honestly I'm scared of staying there for too long because I will feel trapped. My freedom is something that I can't live without for too long.
p.s: Watched Great Gatsby last night, it was amazing...
